Talented Woman Deepthroats Butterknife, Accidently Swallows the Load

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It takes a special kind of woman to choke down a rock hard boner all the way from the peak to base camp, and we nearly lost one of those special women a few days ago. An ex-bulimic woman from Atlanta was demonstrating, or showing off, to her friends that she had absolutely no gag reflex by holding a butter knife halfway down her throat. The scene unfolded as follows:

“The patient told doctors that she was holding the knife partially down her throat when something made her laugh, causing the utensil to slide into her esophagus, as seen in X-ray images obtained by The Huffington Post.”

After extensive research, I discovered on Etiquette Scholar that the average ‘butter spreader’ is around 6″ long, which also is also roughly the length of the average one-eyed cobra. Congratulations Atlanta woman, you can literally swallow a dick.

You know, I’ve always adamantly insisted that when women get together for sleep-overs, their evenings pretty much follow the following schedule:

7:00 PM–Cooking dinner in nothing but aprons, the innocent mixing of ingredients quickly escalates flour ass slaps, leaving dainty white handprints on supple ass cheeks.

8:00 PM–After too many glasses of wine, a ridiculously erotic game of ‘Truth Dare or Dare’ unfolds.

10:00 PM–The classic pillow fight erupts-in slow motion of course-with down feathers filling the air like confetti. The fight ends in a naked heap of tangled bodies breathing heavily.

12:00 AM–Makout-sesh, possibly involving some slippery scissoring action.

Don’t try to tell me that anything less than that happens, because I will refuse to believe your bullshit.

However, nowhere in that schedule did I ever imagine ladies demonstrating their meat swallowing skills via butterknife. Sort of fucking weird. Impressive, but weird. Ladies, if this shit goes down at y’alls powows, just let me reap the benefits of the training without knowing what other objects you’ve bobble-headed on before me.

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