Taliban Makes Most Broke-Dick Attempt At Strategic Warfare Ever By Strapping Cameras And Explosives To Birds

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Taliban Bird Drone

The Taliban seems determined to make me confused as to whether it’s serious or just pranking us all day. I swear, it seems like half the news that comes out about what those ding dongs are doing sounds like something that would appear on a comedy show about Taliban fighters on Adult Swim. Its newest attempt at warfare might be my favorite. The organization has been getting its ass kicked by drones for the better part of a decade now, so the Taliban decided to make its own drone.

Out of a bird.

This seriously sounds like something from The Onion, but NBC News reported today that Afghan police shot a suspicious bird, which turned out to have an explosive vest, a small camera, and a GPS monitor attached to it. What makes a bird suspicious, you might ask? Apparently, the Afghan police recognized that the massive white bird “isn’t native to the area” and it appeared to have an antenna sticking out of it (sounds like racial bird profiling to me). So they shot it, and it fucking exploded. You have to think that some Afghan police officer was super smug about that after everyone made fun of him for thinking the bird might be an insurgent.

My question now is really just “Why?” I mean, how in the fuck do you expect something like this to work? I know that militants have put bombs on donkeys and stuff and then herded them toward soldiers, but that’s different. Birds are unpredictable and can go literally anywhere. There’s a near zero percent chance it’s going to land on something worth blowing up. Seriously, a drone is, like, $50 on Amazon, guys. You have to think that would work better than bird martyrs. I hope that poor animal is enjoying his 72 doves in bird heaven.

[via NBC News]

Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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