Te’o Releases Statement: What Does It Mean?

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Manti Te’o responds to the Deadspin exposé, revealing that his highly publicized relationship with now-deceased girlfriend was a hoax:

This is incredibly embarrassing to talk about, but over an extended period of time, I developed an emotional relationship with a woman I met online. We maintained what I thought to be an authentic relationship by communicating frequently online and on the phone, and I grew to care deeply about her.

To realize that I was the victim of what was apparently someone’s sick joke and constant lies was, and is, painful and humiliating. It further pains me that the grief I felt and the sympathies expressed to me at the time of my grandmother’s death in September were in any way deepened by what I believed to be another significant loss in my life.

I am enormously grateful for the support of my family, friends and Notre Dame fans throughout this year. To think that I shared with them my happiness about my relationship and details that I thought to be true about her just makes me sick.

I hope that people can understand how trying and confusing this whole experience has been. In retrospect, I obviously should have been much more cautious. If anything good comes of this, I hope it is that others will be far more guarded when they engage with people online than I was. Fortunately, I have many wonderful things in my life, and I’m looking forward to putting this painful experience behind me as I focus on preparing for the NFL Draft.

He had to play one of two cards. Card 1: biggest dumbass in America, or Card 2: biggest dirtbag in America. Card 1 was the safer play. He went with it. And after sifting through and cleaning off as much of the chest-high bullshit as I could, here is my translation of Mr. Te’o’s statement:

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK…..

Fuck fuck fuck.

Fucking fuck.

Shit!

What can I say? You busted me. You busted Manti. What started out as a funny little prank between me and my boy Ron Ron (Ronaiah Tuiasosopo) got admittedly out of control. Then, after all the publicity our scheme was getting, I was thinking, ‘Hey, this could really benefit me in the Heisman race, especially if she got into a car accident or got really sick. America will eat that up. Gotta take out Johnny Football, and hell, his girlfriend is finer than shit.’

And…..that’s when we fucked up. A few T’s didn’t get crossed, I’s didn’t get dotted, and we realized we had a chance of getting caught. So, we decided to end it the best way we knew how. We killed the bitch. Leukemia? Shit, I didn’t even know what that was. Had to Google it. Some kinda cancer, right?

Then you guys over here on the mainland with your fancy pants reporters, wireless internet and flashy computers had to go and ruin a good thing for me. Man, screw you guys. This is fucked up. Now and forever I’ll be known as ‘the dude with the fake, dead girlfriend who didn’t win the Heisman and got ear-holed by Alabama in the biggest game of his life.’ Fuck.

You damn mainlanders and your real girlfriends.

Please still draft me in the first round.”

This story is an all-timer, guys.

[via Deadspin]

Image via Bleacher Report

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Roger_Dorn

Roger Dorn (@RogerJDorn) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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  1. 13
    wealthytraditions

    If she actually was real, at least he’ll get to see her in heaven.
    I’m just kidding. For those of you who didn’t know.. Neither Mormons or fake people go to heaven.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      PhiGamma

      Seriously, Job well done on that book. It’s authenticity and “realness” is something more popular humor websites lack. I really hope, it gains a mass audience even outside of the Greek community. When I read it, I couldn’t help but think this is going big thing for comedy.

      Now then. Enough of that. Fuck all of you queers.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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