Are you itching to get out there and have a great 4th of July, but scared you’ll do it wrong and ruin everything for everybody? Maybe that’s just me, actually. Regardless, I’ve taken the time to give you five tips for having a 4th of July that would make Thomas Jefferson blush.
5. Don’t eat out of that garbage can
No matter how tempting that half-eaten corn on the cob is, don’t go for it. Trust me on this one. It’s no fun at all to spend your entire 4th out in a field with strangers combating massive bouts of diarrhea and looking like plague victim. Leave it be.
4. Still at work? Make the best of it
If your IDIOT boss makes you stay in and work without pay on the 4th of July like mine did, the first thing you’ll want to do is get Meatspin open on every computer. Just imagine the looks on everyone’s faces when they see that the next morning! Other than that, maybe try firing up something patriotic on Netflix, like Turn or Kitchen Nightmares.
3. Take advantage of free stuff
If a family is having a barbecue or picnic near you, feel free to grab a sample. After all, we’re celebrating this holiday together as Americans, and they should therefore have no problem offering up some of their delicious food. If they get angry, that means they’re secretly conspiring with the British, and it then becomes your civic duty to make their lives a living hell. Fucking Torries, get out of my country.
2. If you’re with family, make them proud
If you happen to be hanging out with your immediate or extended family this Independence Day, you need to prove to them that you aren’t the little boy your mom and dad raised. You’re a grown man now, and you can drink like one! Pound as many beers as you can, and make sure to teach your six-year-old brother how to shotgun. Sure, he might be “too young,” and your behavior might be “embarrassing” and “wildly inappropriate,” but this is the holiday to let it all hang out. Beneath the outward shame, your family secretly appreciates everything you’re doing. You’re never too old to get to a family function-ruining level of intoxication, and to suggest otherwise is simply un-American.
1. Hit the town
Okay, so your family wasn’t messing around when they told you to chill out, and now you’ve been kicked out of their celebration. All that means is they’re a bunch of boners, and you’re better off without them. Daylight is burning, so you need to make like Paul Revere and find some ways to have fun. Instead of finding a group of friends to hang out with, just get drunk enough off of grain alcohol that everyone becomes your friend. People will feel sorry for you as you aimlessly shuffle around town, and may even offer you some sympathy food off the grill. When your blackout odyssey is complete, return to your family. They’ve had enough time to cool down by now, and will definitely appreciate the spiritual journey you’ve rambled through..
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