My morning cup of coffee was abruptly interrupted when I learned some pretty shocking news. We received word that a TFM Sweetheart was hired to appear at a fraternity’s rush event this weekend for, and get this, $5,000. That’s five grand to show up looking good, enjoy a few cocktails, and let guys feebly attempt to hit on you, all while entertaining some rush prospects. Easy money. The fraternity is in Texas and the girl is an out-of-stater. You’d have to assume they’re covering her airfare and lodging as well. Crazy.
I’m not going to tell you which one she is, so don’t ask. I like you guys, though, so I’m willing to give you a hint: she’s likely pretty excited about Oxford’s new cold beer ordinance.
Being the entrepreneurial-minded, American dream chaser that I am, my free enterprise gears started turning, and I started thinking about entering my name into the free agency pool. I began saying to myself, “I know this girl is slightly better looking than I am and everything, and I certainly can’t fill out a set of cups like she can, but I’ve got to just blow her out of the water with Twitter followers, right? I mean, people know who I am, don’t they? I’m guessing like 95% of all college students in this country could finger me in a lineup of ten average college Joes. That’s some serious clout. I could go to a rush event, slug a few brews, shake some hands, snap a few photos, then cash my check on the way out of town. I wonder how much I should charge…?”
“What if we did a two-fer?” W.R. Bolen shouted to me from next door. Good idea, W.R. I’d need a wingman, anyway. Plus, that’s two headliners. We can basically price gouge at this point. Think about it — we already went over my profile, and Bolen is a New York Times bestselling author and creator of everyone’s favorite American college hero, Townes Prescott III. That’s a powerhouse tandem if I’ve ever seen one.
So, we are officially on the market. We will attend your rush event, and these are our demands:
– We are to be paid $15,000 total for both of us for one event (maximum 5 hours).
– Airfare and lodging must be compensated.
– We will need transportation to and from the airport.
– Selena Gomez must be playing in the car at all times.
– We require one case of Natural Light and one box of Black Box cabernet. The beer is to be kept in our own private cooler, clearly marked with our names, in the chapter president’s quarters. It must be locked away in there. We will need the key to the room.
– If you can find one, I would like one of those gigantic wine glasses so I can put the entire box of wine in it. They’re tough to find, so I’m willing to drop our appearance fee by $100 if you can make this one happen. Not a deal-breaker.
– We are all-time team captains for flip cup, beer pong, or any games that require teammates.
– No touching allowed unless we initiate the contact.
– No flash photography.
– We will only dance with your guests at our discretion.
– We require two pairs of neon party shades.
– Bolen wants one of those enormous, foam cowboy hats like Lloyd wears in Dumb and Dumber.
– I want one of those awesome foam fingers you see at football games that says something cheesy like “#1 Fan” on it. I will use this throughout the night, basically pointing to everyone at the party.
– Bolen and I each get to select one party guest to kick out. There’s no real reason for this one other than we think it’ll be fun to kick someone out of your party.
– Bolen and I each get to select one rushee to receive an automatic blackball. It won’t really matter if you think he’d make a solid addition to your chapter or not. He’s not going to receive a bid. Again, we just think it’ll be a fun thing to do.
– Bolen and I each get to select one rushee to receive an automatic bid. Not gonna lie here, he’s going to be a pretty undesirable prospect. And again, we just think this will be fun to do.
– We require two koozies, preferably not with your letters on them.
– We require two turkey sandwiches on whole wheat with the crust cut off of each. Cheddar on one, swiss on the other.
My email is below. Serious inquiries only please.