The 10 Commandments Of College Girlfriends

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1. Thou Shalt Not Get Wifed Before Junior Year

YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU TRULY WANT IN A WOMAN WHEN YOU’RE 18. Now repeat that to yourself, like 40,000 times. Just like women don’t know, neither do you. You’re young and have a big, wide world of women to explore. Your high school sweetheart? Yeah 99 out of 100 chance that shit ain’t happening, unless there’s a kid involved, in which case you should probably drop out and go get a job — for the kid’s sake.

Not only do you need to take the time to get to know a lot of different women to find out exactly what kind of personality traits tickle your fancy the most, but you are also a young motherfucker. You’ve got quite a bit of maturing to do and uteri to excavate before you go putting all your eggs in one proverbial basket. That girl that liked you freshman year because you were a little fuckboy is most likely not going to like you as much junior or senior year when she grows up a little and realizes she’s not actually into little fuckboys and decides to cheat on you.

Grow, mature, and figure out what it is you truly want.

2. Thou Shalt Not Wife a Cocksman

Five dicks or less is the magic number here. If you’re the 6th, that’s a personal call. A 20-year-old with more than that is already radiating red flags like a uranium rock. This doesn’t mean you can’t still bang or party with girls that go hard — by all means do it. They are fun, and spending the night with a girl that can suck the yellow off a banana is awesome. When it comes to girlfriend material, though, you’re treading into no-no territory.

3. She Shall Bring Value to the Table

You’d be surprised at the amount of dudes who put up with their girlfriend’s shit just because they fuck him. A lot of girls know the power of pussy control and will use it to wreak havoc on an unsuspecting man’s life.

Here’s the funny thing about vaginas: Every girl has one. And they all get wet. And they all feel nice and warm and squishy. The mere fact that a girl has sex with you is a BASELINE trait for a relationship. As in, it’s a given. It’s something any other girl can supply. Sure, some girls are less experienced while others can suck the chrome off a pipe, but they can be taught.

What is she bringing to the table other than sex? Is she a good prospective home keeper? Is she respectful and supportive of your goals? Can she FUCKING COOK? (Sidebar: cooking should seriously be a baseline trait, too. I’m not buying a ring unless a girl can absolutely floor me with her cooking skills. The only thing I like more than sex is food, and when I’m a working man, I’m not about to come home from work every day to microwave burritos and pizza).

You know what, fuck it. If she can’t cook, dump her.

4. Thou Shalt be Trained in Checking your Emotions, Cultivating Power, and Being a Devious Motherfucker

One of the absolute worst things you can do with a girl is fly off the fucking handle when she acts up or does something you don’t like. Nothing screams “I’m a gigantic pussy who is actively affected by the decisions my girlfriend makes” more than having a huge emotional outburst when your girl fucks up. It shows you have no power, no control of your emotions, and suck in general.

So you’re at the bar with your girlfriend. You come out of the bathroom and see her talking to another guy, a taller, more muscular, better-looking guy. We’ll call him Chad. Your mind starts racing. “She wants to fuck this dude. He’s better than me, well not if my sucker punch has anything to say about it!” You walk up to her, call her a stupid bitch, then throw a drunken haymaker at Chad, who counters it effortlessly and leaves you laying on the floor. Everyone is laughing at you, like the bitch you are. You go home and jerk off to pictures of your now ex-girlfriend using tears as lube. Chad goes back with your girlfriend and uses his much larger dick and sharper honed sexual prowess to give your girlfriend a dozen orgasms, while she repeatedly states how much better he is than you at everything. Then he eats the edible arrangement you bought for her for Valentine Day and pisses on something you love.

Okay, maybe that’s a little extreme.

I’ve lived this story (well, the first part at least) before. Dudes instigating fights because I was talking to their girl, then yelling, throwing a fit and eventually getting either booted or carried out of the bar. You can’t do anything other than pity these guys, because them reacting like that was, in and of itself, a major L.

Anyway, what do you do when your girl is acting up, overstepping boundaries you’ve set, or just being a cunt? Simple: withdraw. Go talk to another girl you know at the bar. Make out with said other girl in front of her if you’re truly devious. Ignore her texts for a few days. She will wonder what’s going on and why she doesn’t have control over you, and more than likely come running back. Girls really are predictable as hell.

5. She Shalt Not Do Drugs You Don’t Do

99% of my recreational substance intake nowadays consists of alcohol and tobacco. I’ve been sober from weed since 2013 and have pretty much abandoned stimulants. I can tell you right now that a relationship between me and a girl who smokes weed would not work, but if I DID still smoke weed, it probably would. A relationship between me and a girl who blows lots of coke would not work. But if I did, it might.

What drugs you do are a direct reflection of your social preferences. If she blows lines of coke every weekend and pops molly at concerts, and you don’t, it’s NOT gonna work out and vice versa.

It also has reflections on the future. If you have values when it comes to drugs, stop and think: “Hmmm, do I really want my potential future children growing up in the body of a woman who dumps horrendous amounts of booze and drugs into her system?”

If not, dump her.

6. You Shall Have a Parallel View of the Future

Simply put, your views and goals for the postgraduate life should have a certain degree of alignment. College isn’t forever. Time-wise, it’s really just a blip on the grand scheme of your life.

If you’re trying to hustle your way up the ladder of a firm in Chicago and she’s trying to be a school teacher in the north shore, keep it going by all means. If you want to move out to Vegas to work in clubs, and she wants to move to New York City to become an artist, do yourself a favor and just end it.

This is also related heavily to values. Maybe you two have different religions. Maybe she has a more liberal parenting outlook and you’re more conservative. Perhaps she wants to go clubbing four nights a week while you’re more focused on building your career and enjoy a chill drink at the bar every now and then. The more your future timelines misalign, the more likely you two will not work out in the future and it would be in both of your best interest to just split up now and not waste any more time with each other.

By now you’re probably thinking, “Damn Hans, my relationship right now breaks like 5 of these commandments. Should I really dump her?”


I kid…somewhat. But seriously, these are commandments for a reason.

Moving on.

7. You Shall Have Realistic Expectations

I’m not about to outline the entirety of the female psyche because I don’t have the time or motivation to do so. Just know what you’re getting yourself into and realize life only a Disney movie after you’ve swallowed significant amounts of acid.

8. She Shalt Have Never Cheated

A lot of people like to say “once a cheater, always a cheater” when it comes to relationships. And I agree, to some extent. Once you’ve cheated in a relationship, you technically are and always will be a cheater…because you cheated on someone at one point. However, I do believe people can change, and that they can find happy, meaningful relationships in the future that will [hopefully] remain monogamous.

But not with you.

You can do all the mental gymnastics you want. “It’ll be different this time, I swear! I’ve got her locked down and lay pipe like no other guy possibly could.” That’s great, son. By all means, keep her around as a smash piece and fuck her grey matter all over the wall. But do not, under any circumstances, become monogamous. Buckling and doing it anyway screams that you’re a little bitch with no better prospects. And that’s the ironic thing about cheaters; it’s a vicious cycle. They hate themselves for having cheated in the past, thus when they tell you they cheated before, and you accept it, they resent you for accepting that fact and staying with them, thus making them more inclined to cheat on you. Funny how that works.

And apparently, there’s an epidemic of dudes nowadays who know their girlfriend cheated on them, AND STAY WITH HER. How ridiculous is that? I’m going to say something that may incense and enrage all you normal guys out there — some of these dudes think “it was a one-time thing, it won’t happen again.” If you didn’t just fall over and pass out from laughing so hard, I’ll tell you why they think this. It’s because “everyone makes mistakes sometimes.” No wonder I can’t browse my friendly neighborhood porn site nowadays without seeing at least 27 videos with titles like “HUSBAND WATCHES WIFE GET GANG BANGED.”

9. Her Friends Shall Not Sleep Around A Lot

Birds of a feather, my man. If her friends are sleeping around with a bunch of guys, she is, by use of deductive reasoning, probably also doing the same. And if not, she is almost certainly gonna slut it up in the future because she “never got to experience being wild and single.” She may try and say things like “oh I’m different than them, I keep them under control” and things of that nature. Good to see you waste your valuable time controlling garbage women then sweetie. I’m out.

No woman of high value who is worthy of a relationship is gonna waste her time with girls like that. Yes, it seems every girl has that one friend they’ve known since they were like four years old that is/was kind of one. My mom has one. My sister has one. Keyword: ONE. If she’s got like five, it should raise a major red flag. If her whole crew is having a lot of sex with a lot of dudes, then their behavior WILL infect her at some point and she will go trip and fall on some strange dick. Dump her before you get cucked.

10. She Shall Be Ride or Die

True girlfriend material stands at your side through the good times and bad. A ride or die chick stands next to you sipping champagne on the bow of the boat cruising up the Atlantic coast, but will also come bail you out of jail at four in the morning. A ride or die chick will enjoy the comforts of a well-provided household while also sticking by your side when you’re struggling to pay next month’s rent. The most valuable quality any sort of relationship can have is raw, unquestioned and unwavering loyalty. Ride or die is a damn valuable and rare quality, and a girl who sticks by you and supports you through the good times and the bad is truly worthy of your love.


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