The 10 Commandments Of Game Day

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Thou shalt put no other schools before thine own.

Any asshole who shows up to his own school’s game sporting the opposing colors deserves to be smited by the game day gods. I get it, it was your childhood team, but the day you got that half-hearted apologetic rejection letter in the mail should have been the day you burned that motherfucking bridge to the ground. She did you wrong, and now you’re like an obsessive ex who can’t seem to let go. Take pride in the higher learning institution that accepted you. Sure, she might not be as sexy or accomplished, and she might even take a beat down of biblical proportions from that ex, but she’s yours nonetheless.

Thou shalt take the name of thy team, coach, and especially the referee in vain.

The phrase “get off your knees, ref, you’re blowing the game” will be said, granted, in several different variations whenever there’s a borderline missed call. Hell, even if it was clearly the correct call, it still went against your team, so fuck those agenda-ridden zebras. When you run out of officiating excuses, your next target of frustration will be either the coach or the quarterback–or in Florida’s case, both.

Remember Game Day, to keep it unholy.

Dress in your Saturday best to make up for the fact that you will no doubt be at your worst. From mercilessly pounding down brewskis, constantly shit-talking anyone in your path wearing a slightly different shade in color, to the downright disgusting intentions you have for that newly single freshman in the daisy dukes, being a complete degenerate on game day is not only expected, but encouraged.

Thou shalt contribute to thy tailgate in some meaningful way.

This is a pay to play system. Do so by helping set up (“supervise” the pledges to make sure shit isn’t fucked up), bring booze, man the grill, or just make sure you’re accompanied by several attractive lady friends. Simply put, this is a complete team effort. All free-riding offenders will be sentenced to cleanup duty or euthanization. We’ll leave this up to the friends’ discretion.

Honor thy neighbor, even if thy neighbor cheers for the other team.

If he’s rocking your rival’s gear, play nice. A little good, clean shit-talking does the soul well over beers and barbecue. Physical altercations at games are getting overplayed, and I’m tired of posting videos of you slapdicks mollywhopping each other in the parking lot or throwing haymakers at the guy five rows down.

Thou shalt not have a shitty tailgate playlist.

Day drinking music is a cocktail that balances the perfect amount of raging balls, kick-back vibes, and American personage mixed into one diverse yet crowd-pleasing element. It’s the unheralded aspect of the party. Much like a long snapper, when it’s good, people just go about their business, but when it’s bad, everyone notices immediately.

Thou shalt not leave alcohol unconsumed before kickoff.

Let’s first set the record straight that you should never, under any circumstances, run out of booze before the tailgate is over. That’s pure bush league, and you’re better than that. Find that perfect amount of product so you can finish up with a refreshing road beer for the walk to the stadium.

Thou shalt kill thy opposing team’s spirit.

All college football fans’ objective should be to completely destroy the inner psyche of the opposition. Get creative, do research, and personalize your beratement accordingly. Does the opposing team’s quarterback have a dimepiece of a girlfriend? He does? Well, let him damn well know she’s getting railed out by someone else.

Thou shalt stand the entire game.

You’re in the student section. Sitting down is not an option.

Thou shalt not commit an early exit.

Participating in the mass exodus after that late third quarter touchdown that put your team down 42-0 might seem like a good idea, but then you’re just like any Miami Heat fan. Miami Heat fans are, by far, both the worst fans and general human beings on the planet. You don’t want to be compared to those assholes.

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