Campus organizations come in every shape and size, from intramural sports teams to university services and even our “friends” in the campus Greek Life office. There are a few organizations on every campus that are terrible, across the board. Whether because of the people in them, what they do, or a combination of both that creates an almost superhuman Legion of Suck, they will be ruin your day nearly everywhere you go. Today, I’m going to break down the top 10 worst organizations usually found on every campus, in all their awful glory.
Nothing ruins your day faster than a long-haired hippie chick standing outside the student union handing out pamphlets. Everyone knows that pamphlet is going to contain something that will either kill their appetite, their boners for the rest of the week, or an unhealthy combination of both. PETA is the reigning heavyweight champion of this on campus.
Picture this: you’re walking along, minding your own business, just trying to get some lunch at the union. You’re hungry, and Chick-Fil-A sounds good, so you hone in on it with laser focus and try to get in line before the mid-day labs let out, filling the union with hungry science nerds. Not so fast, because Miss Meat-Is-Murder is waiting right outside the union door to hand you three semi-gloss pages of sadness and headless baby chicks. Fuck. There goes your appetite.
So, campus PETA, you suck. For ruining lunches nationwide, you get the #10 spot. Take your activism somewhere else, preferably where it won’t interfere with our desire for chicken nuggets.
9. The Video Game Club
They’re one of the most visibly terrible groups on your campus, even though they aren’t trying to stuff pamphlets covered in dead puppies down your throat. They sit in the union or on the quad (an amazing feat, considering video games require electricity and heavy electronics) and do nothing but crush each other at Super Smash Brothers, all while loudly debating the merits of the most recent Metal Gear Solid games and the artistic merits of Grand Theft Auto. They’ll find the best-equipped rooms on campus and somehow have them booked up solidly through doomsday, and you can always identify their members by their terrible graphic tees covered in references to games that came out 20 years ago and cargo shorts that look like they saw active duty in Korea. No, awkward gaming nerd tabling on the quad for your tournament, I do not want to Dance Dance Revolution for money, and “all my base” are not belong to you, so take off the stupid looking shirt, dress like a real human being, and maybe hit the gym a few times a week. Your Mountain Dew and Cheetos based diet is going to take you out faster than one of those green shells if you don’t shape up.
For encouraging everyone to spend the whole day “pwning newbs” and being “31337 h4x” while often hogging the best spaces, and times at campus, hot spots, you all get the #8 spot on this list. Go outside. The sunlight won’t kill you. Trust me.
8. Fringe Political Parties
Every school brings a wide range of ideologies to campus. It’s like a small city, and like any small city, you have your die-hard crazies that will come out of the woodwork to trumpet their cause. Every campus has communists, fascists, socialists, Ayn Rand objectivist libertarians, and the recently popular “White Rights” group. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but these people have opinions that most average people would describe as “batshit insanity, with a hint of desperation.” The way these groups try to sell their ideology on campus, you would think that a burgeoning uprising of the proletariat is right around the corner, or that the underclass is about to rise up and destroy our perfect and wonderful patriotic society. They live in a weird world, always under assault by outsiders, so if you ask them questions, assume to be compared to “the man,” “the state,” or “those people,” depending on their ideological bent and how much bullshit they’ve built their philosophical house on. A house built on bullshit is usually one that gets pretty messy under heat and pressure.
Their protests will be annoying and somehow block you from getting to class despite their cause having nothing to do with 18th century British Literature. Much like any other seasonal pest, they only come out in the late spring and early fall, unless they make it indoors. Just avoid them and carry a can of bug spray (or mace) and you should be able to keep them away.
For bringing the political crazy and forcing you to cross the street well before walking past their gatherings to avoid explaining your political ideology in the context of the rights of the oppressed worker, they get the #8 spot.
7. Humans Versus Zombies
The undead apocalypse is nigh! Or at least these assholes think it is. If the undead rise and have a weakness to foam weapons, they will be humanity’s salvation. If they aren’t, well, at least we have a solid base pool of food to throw to the undead while we go do the sensible thing and build forts defended by real guns.
They run around campus playing their weird, hybrid tag game, though “run” is a strong word, because I have never seen a more out-of-shape group of people attempt minuscule feats of mediocre athleticism. Have they never seen Zombieland? If the zombie apocalypse comes, most of them are violating one of the most important rules: cardio.
For being a bunch of nerds wanting to live The Walking Dead out on campus while nearly knocking over everyone in their paths with their bulk, they get the #7 spot. Taking a page from Rick Grimes’ book, do us a favor and stay in the house.
6. Acapella Groups
Sweet music is in the air. At least, it would be sweet if you could swing a pledge without hitting an Acapella group on campus during nice spring and fall afternoons. As it stands, it tends to be more annoying than anything. Acapella groups are a dime a dozen on campus, with sickenly cutesy names like “Here Comes Treble” or “A Perfect Tenor.” It isn’t just the amount of groups or the terrible puns that earn them this spot, though. People in Acapella groups are oftentimes so incredibly stuck up you would think they had been raised as a member of a small European royal court. Our Acapella community got so bad that there were threads about the different groups on our ACB. Acapella drama? Jesus. This isn’t the 1600s, kids. Feuding musical groups should be reserved for old school rap and classical opera. Outside that, it’s just sad.
For gathering together incredibly entitled people who think they can sing without using actual musical instruments into a vortex of musical douchiness, they take #6.
4. Hippie Food Co-Ops
Have you ever walked into your student union and smelled the pungent aroma of weed, mixed with some kind of pungent aroma of soy-based meat and an insane number of unknown spices? That’s the food co-op, and it contains enough self-righteous hippie assholes that anthropologists studying human hypocrisy basically need to camp out outside the place for their research.
These places are true hives of scum and villainy, as long as you define scum and villainy as “hipsters” and “vegan food snobs.” Personally, I do. Anyone who won’t eat a steak is suspect in my book. No one can resist anything that delicious.
For bringing left-wing food snobbery to campus with a decidedly ’60s counterculture flair, they get the #5 spot.
4. Campus Transportation Services
There is real evil in this world, and its name is the Department of Transportation Services. By the time most of us graduate, they will have given us enough tickets for parking on campus to pay for an extra semester of college or enough booze to throw the largest party ever seen on campus, whichever you prefer (hint: the right answer is party).
DOTS is almost assuredly run by Satan himself, for no organization could operate with such internalized bitterness and hate without that kind of leadership. Plus, the lack of remorse by the campus meter maids is a dead giveaway. Just how hated are these paladins of the parking lot? Even other members of the university administration can be heard cursing their name, falling to their knees and screaming, “DOTTTSSSSSS!!!” as an underpaid 40-something in a campus truck drives off into the distance.
For draining our pockets and our joy, campus transportation services takes the #4 spot. The devil didn’t go down to Georgia; he’s working in your campus transportation office.
3. Department of Resident Life
Everyone remembers their first RA. If you’re lucky, they’re also your last RA and you get yourself off campus as fast as humanly possible. Party in the dorms? Shut down by the RA. Some poor stoner trying to smoke up? Police called by the RA. Talking too loudly in the lounge? Written up by the RA. Wherever there is fun, the RA will find it and stop it. Like a Fun Terminator, they’ve been sent to your building by the university to stop fun from happening, before it happens. If they aren’t killing the fun in progress, they’re planning shitty floor events, icebreakers and “sober socials.” Who has ever had a fun sober social? No one, that’s who.
For frowning on us breaking the law and killing the party with extreme prejudice, the Department of Resident Life and their RAs come in at #3.
2. Live Action Role Players
Hark! Methinks I see a medieval battle in the distance! Oh, wait. Never mind. It’s just a bunch of sweaty virgins in chainmail hitting each other with fake swords. Carry on, modern world. These anachronistic assholes are just there to decorate the campus with poorly adorned faux castles, wizards with Nerf guns and a pungent odor. Plate mail armor doesn’t really allow much of a breeze, after all, so you’ve basically got 100 unathletic nerds cooking in big protective metal sweat chambers right there on your quad. Blegh. Does this qualify as enough of an emergency for the fire department to spray them down?
Live Action Role Players are the kind of nerd that nerds make fun of, and it seems, no matter the campus size, you will always have a decent number of them. Is there some LARPer enrollment quota the university has to comply with for federal funding? God, I hope not. There isn’t enough Febreeze in the world to cover up that smell, and the influx of socially awkward shut-ins could really throw off the campus social vibe. We must stand strong against this threat to campus normalcy. They may take our quad, but they’ll never get any of the women, because even the nerds think they’re strange.
For ratcheting the level of weird on campus up to 11 and keeping the blacksmithing trade alive well into the 21st century, they take the #2 slot.
1. The Quidditch Team
My brothers and sisters, we face a growing threat, and that threat is nerds “riding” brooms on the quad while they play an incredibly silly real-world adaptation of a fantasy sport. I liked the Mad Max films, but you don’t see me recreating Thunderdome on campus with pledges from each chapter, mostly because gladiatorial blood sports have been illegal since the fall of the Roman Empire.
Quidditch is awful, because it takes the worst parts of all the other nerd organizations and combines them into a Frankenstein’s monster of nerdy interests. Dressing up for the occasion? Check. Silly rules arbitrarily added to make the game closer to their nerd fantasies? Check. A stunning lack of athleticism among the major participants? That’s a big 10-4. Bacon did a wonderful job with this one HERE, and his analysis is simply dead on. Quidditch is either a sport or a weird, but loving, nerd creation. It can’t be both, and as a result, we have to watch them run around like idiots on the mall with brooms between their legs. Have some pride, or at least some shame, and play a real sport.
For being the living embodiment of fanboyism and checking their shame at the door, these warriors of the Quidditch pitch take the #1 slot and cast upon themselves an Expecto Aloneum spell when it comes to their social lives.