The 2012 Election Condensed into 10 Songs from the ’90s

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Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong – Spin Doctors

“Been a whole lot easier since the bitch left town
Been a whole lot happier without her face around.”

Dedicated to Michelle Bachmann, whose early claims that HPV vaccines cause young children to go full retard had even the most adamant of Feminazis muttering under their breath, “Who let this dumb broad out of the kitchen?”

That Was a Crazy Game of Poker – OAR

“20 thrown down in my fist of rage
And the man to my left has folded down.”

Dedicated to Rick Perry, whose campaign threw in the cards shortly after Governor Romney upped the ante and laid on the table the bet of the century.

I Wanna Sex You Up – Color Me Badd

“Makin’ love until we drown, dig?”

Dedicated to “the Godfather” Herman Cain, who bowed out of the race after the public learned of his extramarital knack for “delivering” in 30 minutes or less.

Only Wanna Be With You- Hootie & the Blowfish

“You like to laugh at me when I look at other girls.”

Dedicated to Newt Gingrich, who only wanted to be with his one, loving wife, so much so, in fact, that he selflessly propositioned his second of three spouses to participate in an open marriage (POWER MOVE…allegedly).

Creep – Radiohead

“But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.”

Dedicated to Rick Santorum, the last purveyor of traditional Judeo-Christian values, whose name became synonymous with a “frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”

Mr. Jones – Counting Crows

“Mr. Jones and me look into the future
Stare at the beautiful women.”

Dedicated to persons like Chris Christie, Paul Ryan, Jon Huntsman, and Jeb Bush, the next generation of Republican leaders who will hopefully play the role of Maker’s Mark, and help Americans blackout the hangover induced by the last two election cycles’ pools of GOP Presidential candidates.

Waterfalls – TLC

“I’ve seen a rainbow yesterday
But too many storms have come and gone
Leavin’ a trace of not one God-given ray.”

Dedicated to the New York Times’ coverage of Hurricane Sandy, which showcased the media’s love of chasing (and exploiting) catastrophic precipitation levels in the name of being political hacks.

Hook – Blues Traveler

“It doesn’t matter what I say,
So long as I sing with inflection.
That makes you feel that I’ll convey
Some inner-truth of vast reflection…
But I’ve said nothing so far.”

Dedicated to President Obama, who understands that 47% of Americans are so distracted by the appealing, catchy, yet ultimately baseless hook of “Change” that they will not bother getting caught up in trivial little factoids like “$16 trillion debt” or “7.8% unemployment.”

Friends in Low Places – Garth Brooks

“Blame it all on my roots,
I showed up in boots,
And ruined your black-tie affair.”

Dedicated to Governor Mitt Romney, perfectly-haired friend of plus-sized flag lapel pins, Presidential hopeful by way of Massachusetts, and lover of grits and the word “y’all.”

Bye Bye Bye – N’SYNC

“Don’t want to be a fool for you
Just another player in this game for two.”

Dedicated to the American people, who, on January 20th, 2013, will hopefully be waving goodbye to the 44th President of the United States.

***


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  1. ReaganKA

    Obama won the first election because he is black, the second because america is lazy. if you censor this fuck you TFM. Dorn’s columns can be good from time to time. All of bacon’s columns suck. TFM. Fuck you Obama. TFM. Hot piece is a huge slut but judging from her picture I would fuck her. tfm. I am going to cum on my girlfriends face now.
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    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
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