The 2013 NBA Finals Explained in Fraternity Terms

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Just under a year ago, I wrote a column explaining the NBA Finals matchup between the Miami Heat and the Oklahoma City Thunder in fraternity terms. Because tonight marks another Finals series, and since I can’t think of any good list ideas to write about right now, I figured we might as well take another look at how exactly this year’s matchup could play out, looking through a fraternal lens of course. While this championship matchup won’t exactly contain kegstands and shotguns as a component of victory, by comparing the matchup to the shitstorm Greek Life we know so well, even ones who give the least fucks about NBA basketball can at least have an idea what’s going on. First things first, if you don’t know who is actually playing we have some work to do…

The Teams

The Miami Heat- The Douchebag Top House

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Returning for a chance at their second consecutive “Top House on Campus” award, the Miami Heat are fucking great at what they do- and they know it. For better or worse, you can’t travel forty feet on campus without hearing a chlamydia crusted slore whispering about how AMAZING Lebron James is (if you want to step away from the metaphor, this slore would probably be SportsCenter). While the Heat are the favorite to bring home the banner yet again, a weathered but strong opponent awaits them in the series.

The San Antonio Spurs- The Consistent Top House

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The Spurs are a disciplined, intelligent, and all around efficient house on campus. They’re the kinds of guys who don’t fake their community service hours- they get twice as many as is required. Somehow while maintaining this pristine image with the University, these guys have managed to throw some of the most surprisingly epic ragers in the playoff season. While the Spurs have been a strong house lately, this championship run could truly cement their places as legends on campus.

The Players

Dwayne Wade- The Sketchy Disappearing Guy

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Dwayne Wade is the kind of guy who goes out with his pledge brothers and somehow manages to go missing at some random point in the evening. While in his younger years he was the leader of the house, the moment LeBron James transferred the tables had been permanently turned. Now Wade fades in and out of relevance, and while he’ll occasionally break an impressive chill:pull ratio, lately he’s been about as productive as a pledge. Also: Capri Suit. What the actual fuck.

LeBron James- The Man

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Say what you want about LeBron James’ douchey attitude, the man is one of the three or four greatest of all time. He’s the guy that a room in your fraternity house will be named after in 20 years. LeBron James is the icon of his house, and seems to have completely overtaken the inability to close that once plagued him so incessantly. LeBron could go home with a different slam every night, but he only has eyes on fingerblasting another sweet championship ring. The only flaw in LeBron’s personality? When things don’t go his way, he tends to be a little whiny bitch about it.

Chris Bosh- The Dinosaur

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It might have something to do with the lysine contingency, or maybe they just gave the wrong kid a bid card, but Chris Bosh has seemed to slowly fade from the once prominent “Big 3” conversation. While he does have the occasional clutch performance, Chris Bosh is the kind of guy who is blackout drunk by midnight, and shoes-on unconscious by 12:15. Maybe he’s losing his touch, or maybe he was just never as good as the Heat had originally hoped.

Manu Ginobili- The Ringer

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The Argentinian wonder, Ginobili is the kid who is so good at intramurals that you eventually just had to give him a bid. He might be on his own wavelength, but when you need a wingman or a focused partner on the blackout train, Manu is your guy. As he rounds out his casual fifth year on campus, no one really has any idea how long he’ll stay. But as long as he keeps scoring, the Spurs chances to advance only get better.

Tony Parker- The Wingman

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In every fraternity house, there is that one guy who just seems to somehow be the most dependable human being on the planet. He’s always happy to bum you a cigarette when it’s all your drunken mind is screaming for. He gives brothers rides to class in the rain when the pledges all hide in fear. He cares a lot about the house, and does a great job of holding the brotherhood together. Tony Parker is that guy. He’s more than willing to take down a whale for the team if need be, and he’s a consistent part of what exactly makes the San Antonio Spurs such a formidable foe for the Heat.

Tim Duncan- The Stoic Old Guy

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Tim Duncan is the guy who comes around the house a fair amount, but doesn’t really know any of the new kids and never bothered to try. Duncan has been at NBA University long enough to know every bar special of every night of the week, and exactly how to aggressively black out on a nightly basis. Tim Duncan is the literal opposite of a try-hard. He barely has to try at all. Fraternity life is fundamental in his veins, and he’s the one you can count on in chapter as the eternal voice of reason.

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