The 2014 Gentleman’s Guide To Wall Punching

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It is with great pride that I am able to present you with this guide to proper social behavior. This document will hopefully serve as a handy reference to any and all who have been confused by the proper etiquette when confronted with the following situation. Unfortunately, the issue at hand is one that I had hoped to never bring up during our precious chapter meeting time. However, some of you (who shall remain unnamed) seem insistent upon carrying out this particular action. So without further ado, it is my pleasure to present you with the 2014 Gentleman’s Guide to Wall Punching.

The first question you may ask yourself is “It’s not okay to punch walls whenever I want?” And the answer would be a swift and decisive fuck no, its not. This type of activity is highly frowned upon within the community. It is both extremely emotionally and financially frustrating for a fraternity to have to deal with the unnecessary destruction of its property. At this point, you must be asking yourself, “Is it ever okay to punch a wall?” And the answer to this is a very sarcastic yes. In fact, the following guide is a list of questions you must ask yourself to help you decide whether or not it is an appropriate situation in which it is acceptable to punch a hole in a wall. As this is a world-first in wall punching guides, it may not encompass all possible scenarios in which wall punching is acceptable, but I will do my best to list all of my knowledge of this delicate subject.

  1. Has the wall insulted you in some unforgivable fashion? (i.e. girlfriend, penis size, mother, etc.)
  2. Has the wall stolen something that belongs to you? (i.e. money, phone, keys, beer, punchline to a joke, etc.)
  3. Has the wall punched a hole in you? (This one is a bit of a no-brainer.)
  4. Has the wall publicly mocked or humiliated you? (Beating you in a game of beer pong, correcting your grammar on one of your Facebook posts, etc.)
  5. Is the wall way too drunk and making some sort scene or being belligerent? (Being creepy with girls, arguing way to aggressively about whose pledgeship was harder.)
  6. Are YOU way too drunk and making some sort of scene or being belligerent? (In this case, it is almost undoubtedly not the wall’s fault, and you should refrain from punching it.)
  7. Is the wall “cruisin’ for a bruisin’” as they say? (We’ve all seen the wall that’s just been talking shit all night and needs to be put in its place, which, of course, is between the floor and the ceiling.)
  8. Has the wall punched a hole in another wall? (Punch that fucker–that’s just justice right there.)
  9. Speaking of justice, is the wall being actively pursued by law enforcement? (I think it’s pretty clear what to do here: be a hero, take it down, and make a citizen’s arrest. Case closed.)
  10. Is the wall not fulfilling its duties as a key structural component to the building in question? (Hopefully this doesn’t have to come down to you punching it, but it is key to the safety of everyone inside the structure that the wall behaves architecturally responsibly.)
  11. Is this wall much more solid than my hand? (In other words, will this wall hurt me if I punch it?)
  12. Am I going to make an ass out of myself if I punch this wall? (Hint: the answer is yes.)

I hope this guide has cleared up some things for everyone. Like I said, this list certainly doesn’t cover all potential situations, but since one through 11 are almost impossibly unlikely, I doubt I missed anything particularly important. It is my hope that with this guide, we can cut down on, or possibly even eliminate unnecessary wall punching altogether, because I believe that I have made it impeccably clear that unless you are in one of the aforementioned situations, you never have a good reason to punch a wall.

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