The 2016 Olympics Gambling Guide

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Tomorrow, we’ll kick off the start of the 28th modern day Summer Olympics with some sort of convoluted political statement for three hours in a country no one really cares about through a massive, million dollar production of glorified interpretive dance, slam poetry, and laser pointers followed by an hour of roll call. It’ll leave viewers questioning the very fiber of their own existence as they spend a perfectly good Friday night absorbing the live action performance of a foreign avant-garde film without subtitles. It’s the bootleg, paint-sniffing cousin of Cirque du Soleil that serves as the perfect start to two weeks of nothing but “What the fuck did I just watch?”

Thankfully, like almost everything else on this God forsaken planet, we can make even badminton and field events much more tolerable by throwing down an unreasonable amount of our annual income on unfamiliar Chinese nationals to hit the shit out of a shuttlecock or a Serbian to launch a shot put higher and further than the grenade that killed their brother Miroslav. But unless you’re an adamant enthusiast of rhythmic gymnastics or a canoe slalom insider, letting your financial stability ride on a guy that still slices meat at a Birmingham deli counter for a living can be a bit unnerving. So out of the goodness of my heart, I put together some stone cold locks and general rules to live by to gamble the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Summer Olympics. You’re welcome in advance for the free money.

Canada gold medals — UNDER 2.5 (+110)

Take a Canuck out of their ice skates or skis and suddenly they’re a newborn giraffe with Parkinson’s trying to navigate their way through the Sahara desert. With 59 total gold medals since 1896, simple math tells us Vegas hit this number right on the head. Under pays slightly more, and I’m all for watching Canada try their “darndest” finishing in 9th place for every sport.

Anything over 2 miles, go with the Kenyan.

These athletes have been running away from disease, famine, and genocide nonstop since they popped out of the womb. So a 10k on a regulation track without being chased by a lion or child soldier warlord is a walk in the park for these Kenyans. Not that they’d ever actually understand the meaning of that idiom.

Will Bob Costas contract pink eye during the broadcast again? — YES (+20000)

A bit of a long shot asking little Bob to go pink eye in back-to-back Olympics, but if there’s one place it can happen, it’s Rio and their poop water-flooded streets. Sorry, I couldn’t hear your out of place anti-gun rant, Bobby. I was too busy wondering if your eye socket was going to swallow itself whole.

Spain to win basketball gold — (+1000)

The ultimate emotional hedge. There’s no chance the United States doesn’t win every game by less than double digits, and this is essentially paying renters insurance. But let’s say — for whatever reason — Carmelo buys into this whole “most accomplished Olympic basketball player ever” rhetoric, starts firing up shots with no regard for mankind, and burns the whole thing down. We’ll all be devastated, but at least you have that check coming in the mail thanks to the Gasol brothers.

Ryan Lochte will say 2.5 coherent sentences in all of his interviews combined — PUSH

He will say exactly 2.5 somewhat passable fragments. Of course, this is up to the discretion of your bookie, and is heavily reliant on whether or not your bookie accepts, “The reason I love swimming is because racing” as an acceptable, half-baked line of thought uttered from the lips of Lochte.

Amount of times Bubba Watson will criticize or say snide remarks to caddie Ted Scott during his 4 rounds of golf — OVER 127.5 (-4000)

Bigger lock than Team USA bringing home gold in basketball.

The amount of hard “f-bombs” your grandfather will drop during a Johnny Weir segment — OVER 6.5 (-350).

Parlay it with over 4.5 times he says “fairy” and over 2.5 uses of the term “nancyboy” and you’ll get a nice payout thanks to your gramps and his homophobic upbringing. Hey, he didn’t storm the beaches of Normandy so you can dictate what he can and cannot say. Let that geezer spread his close-minded wings and cash in on it.

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