Rap can be an amazing art form. There’s nothing more beautiful and impressive than when a rapper crafts a perfect verse, with brilliantly poetic lyrics chock full of clever metaphors, vivid imagery, and complex multi-syllable rhyme schemes all delivered with a perfectly timed flow over a good beat.
But, sometimes, rap can be a horrific thing. A terrifying, disturbingly abysmal abyss of unfathomable stupidity — much like my articles.
Everyone makes mistakes, including rappers. Even the best rappers put forth some less-than-stellar verses sometimes. Some of the rappers on this list are some of the greatest rappers to ever hold a microphone, which makes it even more painful to see them display such tragic awfulness. Hell, a couple of these lines actually appear in some of the best rap songs of all time. Damn.
But no one is perfect. And some lines in hip-hop make you do a double-take and wonder what the fuck you just heard. These are the most baffling rap lyrics of all time.
“Me & My Bitch – The Notorious B.I.G.
“When I met ya, I admit my first instinct was to trick,
You look so good, I suck on your daddy’s dick.”
“Pop Style” – Drake
“Got so many chains they call me Chaining Tatum.”
Go home, Drake. You’re drunk.
“Every Girl” – Mack Maine
“I exchange v-cards with retards.”
“Bedrock” – Nicki Minaj
“Ok I get it, I guess it’s my turn,
maybe it’s time to put this pussy on your sideburns.”
Who told Nicki this was sexy?!
“IANAHB” – Lil’ Wayne
“I’m in the ocean gettin’ shark pussy.”
That’s just dangerous.
“Nuthin But A G Thang” – Dr. Dre
“Never let me slip, ‘cause if I slip then I’m slippin’.”
And THIS is why Dr. Dre doesn’t write his own lyrics anymore.
“This Is Why I’m Hot” – Mims
“I’m hot ‘cause I’m fly, you ain’t ‘cause you not.”
Alright, he does make a pretty compelling argument.
“It Was A Good Day” – Ice Cube
“And my dick runs deep, so deep,
So deep I put her ass to sleep.”
But Ice Cube… that’s rape.
“Birthday Song” – 2 Chainz
“She got a big booty,
so I call her ‘big booty.’”
He totally stole this quote from Mark Twain.
“4th Chamber” – Ghostface Killah
“Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet?”
Ghostface Killah asking the deep, important questions.
“Balla Baby” – Chingy
“I like them black, white, Puerto Rican or Haitian,
Like Japanese, Chinese, or even Asian.”
…who’s gonna tell him?
“U.O.E.N.O” – Rick Ross
“Put molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it,
I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain’t even know it.”
Rick, didn’t you hear what I said to Ice Cube earlier?
“California Girls” – Snoop Dog
“Bikini’s, zucchini’s, martini’s,
Snoop just No Homo’d us.
“Amazing” – Young Jeezy
“Standing at my podium,
I’m tryin to watch my sodium.”
Jeezy knows the importance of not bloating.
“Rhythm Is A Dancer” – Snap
“I’m as serious as cancer,
when I say rhythm is a dancer.”
Damn, that IS pretty serious.
“Drunk In Love” – Jay-Z
“Your breasteses is my breakfast.”
THIS JUST IN: JAY-Z IS LITERALLY A CANNIBAL.
“My Car” – Slikk The Shocker
“I got more hos than the O-zone.”
“Dollar And A Dream III” – J. Cole
“Boy you can’t out-fart me.”
Yes I can.
“Kingdom Come” – Iggy Azalea
“You’ll never catch an Adam without an Eve,
you’ll never catch a Blue without a Steve.”
Wow, referencing the Bible AND Blue’s Clues back to back. #BARZ
“Ballers” – Project Pat
“I’m hungry for the cheese like Hungry, Hungry Hippo.”
“Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down” – Puff Daddy
“Young, black and famous,
with money hanging out of my anus.”
“21 Questions” – 50 Cent
“I love you like a fat kid loves cake.”
Is this a rap song or a hallmark card?
“Knock Knock” – Mac Miller
“Smoke joints in the whip, no cop can bust me.”
Mac, you’re literally bragging about white privilege.
“Adventures” – Kid Cudi
“No more chicken sandwiches,
yes, I’ll pay for the damages.”
I’ve spent the past seven months trying to figure out what this means.
“Nothin On You” – B.o.B
“Baby, you the whole package,
plus you pay your taxes.”
A rap song where he compliments the girl for paying her taxes, every panty in the house is soaked.
“Mercy” – Big Sean
“Drop it to the floor, make that ass shake,
make the ground move, that’s a assquake.”
Yo did you hear about that assquake in Haiti?
“Can’t Hold Us” – Macklemore
“Little bit of humble, little bit of cautious,
somewhere between like Rocky and Cosby.”
We’ll give Macklemore a pass (for once) since this song is from 2012. But nowadays, it’s VERY alarming to hear a rapper brag by comparing themselves to Bill Cosby. But it makes sense since Macklemore’s music makes us fall asleep.
“Jane Fonda” – Mickey Avalon
“I had a princess, queen of incest.”
Hey Mickey… It’s kinda odd to brag about dating a girl that has committed incest.
“Nevermind That” – Ab Soul
“Are you a lesbian or a librarian?”
It can only be one of the 2.
“Tron Cat” – Tyler The Creator
“In some Kanye West glasses screaming out ‘fuck faggots,’
catch me in the attic taking photos of my dad’s dick.”
Blatant homophobia? Check. Really unconventional hobbies? Check.
“Fall Asleep” – Wiz Khalifa
“I got so much swaaaaaaag,
that the airport don’t even wanna check my baaaaaaag.”
Wiz, that’s not how airports work.
“Father Stretch My Hands, Pt. 1” – Kanye West
“Now if I fuck this model, and she just bleached her asshole,
and I get bleach on my t-shirt, I’mma feel like an asshole.”
Wait, I take that back, this is actually the greatest rap lyric of all time.
“Ass Like That” – Eminem
Not one line, just the whole damn song.
And last, but not least…
Everything Soulja Boy has ever said..
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