1. The Sketchy ID Made In China
Pretty much all of us stumbled across those websites when we were younger. They listed “completely authentic looking, scanning, hologram IDs.” As a young buck itching to get a sniff of the bar scene, you probably thought about how good of an idea it would be to send a substantial chunk of change anonymously to a group of offshore businessmen to manufacture you a piece of plastic that had the potential to yield you a class two felony. Some of us, of course, would give in.
For many, this is their first trip down fake ID lane. It’s a lane that is unpaved, riddled with potholes, and ends with you eventually getting smoked by an IED. It’s kind of like driving through the streets of Fallujah. This ID lives a rough life filled with condescending looks from bouncers and interrogations from liquor store clerks until its career is inevitably cut short by a club owner that got called over to check it out. While it definitely isn’t the best option as far as fakes go, it’s an experience that almost makes your earlier drinking years much more exciting.
2. Someone Else’s Real ID
After either getting fed up with not having an ID, or having your shitty Chinese abortion of a fake ripped from your clutches by the local fun police, you’re going to get a little more desperate for something useful. Something that will actually pass a hologram and scan test at a bar or a gas station. Something more legit. Lo and behold, you enter the next phase of your underage drinking conquest in attaining a real, yet pretty shitty fake.
This ID is probably something you found on the floor of Spinnakers or half buried in the sand while in PCB. That, or someone found it and tried to sell it to you like a scumbag. Either way, it’s a real ID and the person on it is the same gender as you, so you decide to add it to your arsenal.
You’re gonna have some issues with this one too, like the occasional bouncer questioning whether anyone with blonde hair would be named Carlos Pardiñas Estevez Jr. The mere fact that this card actually scans and has the “impossible to replicate” features of an ID makes it money in the bank. Bonus points if it’s a state ID and not a driver’s license.
This one might carry you all the way to 21 if you can get enough liquor stores and bars on lockdown where they don’t card you anymore. You might not even hit the next option and go straight to number four. However, for those of us that aren’t so lucky and have our hilariously obvious fake IDs taken at one source or another, there’s the glorious savior in number three.
3. The Gold Standard
As far as fakes go, this one is pretty much the cream of the crop. Someone in your house that looked enough like you just graduated, and during senior send-offs they decide to gift you their ID as a token of good will. Or maybe they just tried to sell it to you for beer money. Either way, you’ve finally got yourself a decent fake.
There’s a certain amount of hubris that comes along with this kind of ID. For the first time, you feel invincible. You have the perfect fake, and you can finally live the ultimate life of a full-fledged 21-year-old while still actually having your 21st birthday to look forward to. However, like it is with almost everything in life, you get humbled.
A decent ID that looks somewhat like you will work at most, if not all college bars, where bouncers are usually also students and on the same page when it comes to what you are trying to do. When you make the mistake of taking your decent fake into the city (or worse, Vegas), it’s a completely different ball game. The linebacker is that man at the doors who are salaried to do basically nothing but look at IDs every night. The day comes where you make the mistake of handing it off to one of these guys. After the humiliation and disappointment of realizing your fake actually isn’t the shit, you are brought right back to earth and realize that you’re actually not 21 yet. Really, the only chance you have at full, non-volatile alcoholic freedom will have to wait until you’re finally 21.
Unless you have your older brother’s ID, in which case you’re a lucky shit.
4. The Real Thing
Yup, that’s right. After putting up with the stress that comes along with toting around a fake ID for a couple years, the fact that one day you are actually legally allowed to purchase and handle alcohol in public places takes a certain amount of time to sink in.
It’s different for each person. Some may have lingering fake ID anxiety for months while others have zero change transitioning from fake to 21. Either way, it marks the end of a personal era, where just getting your hands on booze was considered a sport, and it was a fun game. It can be a sentimental time for some men.
My advice for you youngins: Cherish the fake ID days. The rush that comes with manufacturing your own way of getting into the local bar or buying booze from the gas station makes the act in and of itself that much more enjoyable..
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