The 5 Guys Every Crew Needs

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The Ladies Guy

It’s a common misconception that this has to be the best looking guy in your group. Chances are he’s just an approachable guy with buckets of confidence. When you catch sight of that gaggle of babes a booth over, he’s the one who asks them what’s in that fancy drink. Ladies Guy isn’t afraid of rejection or harsh words. He’s probably caught “Who do you think you are?” from groups of dimes more than everyone else combined, but he loves it. He just keeps on trucking to ensure his boys always have female companionship in any situation. With a little wit and absolutely no shame, he’ll be the one keeping a conversation flowing as the rest of his crew hits it off with the girls.

The Party Favors Guy

If you want it, chances are he’s got it. If he doesn’t, he can get it. In addition to being a fan of hip-hop and girls with tattoos, our dude is the one who keeps things operating on a whole other level. Whether you’re the type that deeply enjoys bumps in the bathroom, a quick toke in the morning, or strippers at a poker game, then your boy has the connection. He’s also arguably the craziest dude in your posse, seeing as anyone that’s willing to have a burner phone is just asking for trouble. It’s part of his quest for the ultimate rush, and he knows damn well what could go wrong. He made his peace with that the first time he hit a joint, which was likely around 12 years of age. Just make sure that he can manage money. You don’t want him blowing your loot on Xanax.

The Responsible Guy

He’s your big center, the man you can count on in a pinch. Sure, he likes cold beer and whiskey but he’s too damn old for keg stands (except on holidays). Everyone needs a dude with a level head, because he’s the one who steps up when things go south in a hurry. Cops show up? Let your boy lay down some smooth talk while Party Favors Guy jumps out the window. Does some uninvited prick need to leave the house? Responsible Guy is your go-to for some Patrick Swayze level ass kicking. Did I mention he should be able to throw hands? He definitely should, especially when the next guy needs backup.

The Wild Card

“He’s just misunderstood,” is your go-to statement when people ask about your Wild Card. Despite a lot of outside pressure, whether it’s from the standards board or folks that have been caught in his wake, your group wouldn’t be the same without him. Who else is going to rally the troops when they’re hungover before tailgate? Who’s calling for the strip club after Responsible Guy’s bitch ex-girlfriend cheats on him? You need your Bluto, and Bluto needs you. If it wasn’t for positive influences and connections, he’d be the guy with a “Will Work for Food” sign outside Wal-Mart. If it wasn’t for him, your stories would end with “yeah, I just didn’t feel like going out last night.” Treasure his crazy. You’ll miss it when he somehow graduates before everyone else.

The Planner

The point guard of the team, this guy is as meticulous as he is selfless. It’s fun to talk about going to New Orleans, but who’s going to set things in motion? While everyone else is joking about how much ass will be there, this guy is booking hotels and researching the best night life options. Nobody is as driven about everyone having a good time, mostly because he knows that he’ll be getting more fucked up in strange places than anyone. After he has all the ducks in a row, prepare to keep an eye on him. He’s set to burn shit down.

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Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn't above a nice stout on the porch.

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