Why: Both sides of perhaps the most bitter rivalry in all of sports, Alabama and Auburn meet annually in a matchup that has decided the SEC West champion a staggering six times in the last ten Iron Bowls.
Alabamians flock to one side of the rivalry without so much as a high school degree, let alone an actual diploma from either university.
For anyone doubting the insanity of the respective fanatical fan bases, I recommend a quick review of some of Paul Finebaum’s “greatest” callers. This situation was so out of control in 2010, Harvey Updyke, a clearly psychotic Bama fan but of course never a student, poisoned the 130-year-old oak trees famously located on the campus of rival Auburn.
Updyke, who received three years in prison for his maniacal antics, proceeded to call the aforementioned Paul Finebaum in what has become some sort of bizarre southern football version of the Maury Show, and boast about his “accomplishment,” ending his admission of guilt with a classic “Roll Damn Tide.”
If that wasn’t reason enough to worry in a state that ranked Nick Saban the most popular man not named Jesus Christ in 2014, passing out in Tuscaloosa might result in a mouth full of dick.
4. Penn State
Stadium: Beaver Stadium
Why: You’d think a place named after the female anatomy (that has to be a fact) would be welcoming, but you’d be wrong.
These people, as I have experienced firsthand though thankfully not as a youth football camper, are insane. First of all, we’re talking about a fan base that is currently petitioning to rebuild statues of disgraced former Coach Joe Paterno, even as evidence continues to unveil his despicable lack of action in the face of rampant child molestation spanning decades of his tenure.
Aside from the apparent disinterest in the well-being of kids exhibited by large portions of the Nittany Lion faithful, as perhaps the worst academic institution in the Big 10, battling Michigan State for the “honor,” offer little in the way of “reasonable” stadium goers able to talk down rabid lunatics hurling discarded chewing tobacco at visitors. Trust me.
These motherfuckers will spit on you, openly discuss unforgivable sex acts relating to any female you’re with (even your mother – again, trust me) and have apparently accepted their postgrad economic hopelessness as the threat of post-assault incarceration seems to have the home fans more excited than Bill Cosby opening his medicine cabinet.
I expected a much more enjoyable visit to a place called Happy Valley. Now I’m awaiting the unveiling of Jerry Sandusky’s Nittany Lion hall of fame placard.
3. West Virginia
Stadium: Mountaineer Field at Milan Puskar Stadium
Why: Another venue I have had the life-threatening pleasure of visiting, the Mountaineer faithful have got to be some of the most violent and shockingly uneducated in the nation. Everybody and their sister, literally in some cases, are engaged in a 24-hour binge of public cellulite ridden sex, inhuman alcohol consumption, and bare-knuckle brawls you’d think only existed in Into the Furnace, amidst a collection of what has got to be America’s most disturbing state.
Now, on paper, all of this sounds, well, aside from the cellulite, pretty cool, right? Not if you’re not a Mountaineer fan. West Virginians have perfected the art of targeted expulsion of bodily fluids, openly urinating on cars featuring decals of opposing teams, and covering visitors with more spit than a face fucking compilation.
Where West Virginia really separates itself from other terrifying home environments is in the actual preference of the fans for you, the visitor, to escalate the already abhorrent behavior, as apparently there’s nothing a former coal miner likes better than a good fight.
Fortunately for the overwhelmingly unemployed fan base, the lack of a dental plan for any injuries sustained post brawl shouldn’t be much of an issue, as most patrons are already toothless.
2. Ohio State
Stadium: The Horseshoe
Why: Former Michigan play by play announcer Bob Ufer said it best in his denouement following a crushing loss for the Wolverines in Columbus: “And tonight, every truck driver in American goes to sleep with a smile on his face.” The Buckeyes, worshipers of a poisonous nut, vary immensely in their treatment of opposing fans, from the somewhat cordial to life-threateningly violent.
Again, one of my favorite places to watch game (as long as I’m in neutral colors), I made the almost unfathomable error of attending the 2006 version of “The Game” between undefeated Ohio State and chief rival Michigan with my uncle and his family. My uncle, an insufferable Michigan fan in his own right, insisted I wear a Michigan attire (a mistake I have never made again, regardless of location). As my ticket and transportation were free, I idiotically obliged.
What followed was the most unpleasant day of my life, as even as a 12-year-old the scarlet clad degenerates hurled insults my way to an extent making Cersei Lannister’s walk of shame look like a stroll through Candyland.
After an Ohio State victory, guaranteeing a BCS National Championship game appearance and Big 10 title, I left the stadium assuming the celebration would negate their hate for all things maize and blue.
I was wrong. On our way to the car, we were pummeled with assorted unknown liquids, cans, even a wayward beer bottle that struck my female cousin in the face, cutting her just below the eye in what could have been an absolute disaster.
Best part? She was 11.
1. Louisiana State University
Stadium: Tiger Stadium
Why: There’s a reason the home of the LSU Tigers is known as “Death Valley,” and it’s not because of the hospitality down in the Bayou. I was once told by a Tiger alum that I was “the kinda douche that goes missing during Mardi Gras, if you know what I mean.”
Now, in fairness, this could have just been a compliment relating to my wildly out of control antics during that 72 hour brown out in the Bayou, but something tells me it wasn’t.
Anyway, LSU is home to the most raucous, passionate, and ear-shatteringly loud fanbase in all of college football, increasing in their inconsolable rage with every head-scratchingly bizarre decision from the Mad Hatter. Les Miles, the grass eating national championship coach who almost got fired at halftime of last season’s Alabama debacle, has described the LSU faithful as “about as fanatical as you can have.”
That’s an understatement. Walk into Tiger Stadium clad in an SEC rival’s apparel at your own risk. They’ve got to feed something to Mike the Tiger, a live Bengal kept on campus, and in the stadium on game days.
These people are insane..
Editor’s Note: Texas Tech’s stadium should be listed. There’s a reason they’re listed as the worst fans in the country.
Image via YouTube