The 5 Types of Breasts

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Tits. Hooters. Honkers. Boobies. Funbags. Bajongas. Whatever you call them, the consensus for males of the world is this: breasts are fucking awesome. But just like beer, potato chips, whiskey, and all the other things in the world we love, breasts can come in many different varieties. After hours of painstaking research (believe me, it was tough), I have compiled the tits of the world into five distinct categories.

Pillow Tits

Not a single man in the history of this Earth has complained about a heavenly pair of Pillow Tits. Named for their incomparable softness (built for comfort, not for speed), Pillow Tits are only two things: natural and large. Your ideal pair of Pillow Tits will sit proudly on the chest of a slam like sacks full of happiness and sunshine.

If Pillow Tits could talk, they would exclusively scream the phrase “Please, put your penis between us.” And who are we to deny such a claim? Chivalry is not dead gentlemen, and I’ll be damned if we don’t make sure every proverbial bun has a bratwurst of its very own.

For all the types of breasts, the Tit/Waist ratio is of utmost importance. This is especially so in the case of Pillow Tits. In some cases, Pillow Tits serve only as a distraction from a beer belly or thunder thighs, traits that any self-respecting, not blackout drunk at last call man should avoid. All I’m saying is, be careful. Nothing is worse than lifting up that shirt to find a cottage-cheese love handle extravaganza.

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StuffFratPeopleLike

StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments. All shameless praise can be directed to: joe@grandex.co

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  1. 71
    Mad Fratter

    “I just prefer a pair of breasts that don’t remind me of a sad lonely clown.” I laughed pretty god damn hard at that one. Now I’m getting odd looks at work

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago

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