The five types of crazy chicks you’ll meet in college, and how to handle them:
1. Dumb as Dick but Hot as Hell
I think this first one doesn’t need an explanation, but the whole reason you opened this was to see what creative ways I came up with to shame my own sex, so you’re getting one anyway. This is the kind of girl you make an effort to push through the crowd to talk to at a house party, but the moment she opens her mouth you can tell you’re not drunk enough for it. Even if you’re blacked out, you’ll probably need another five shots minimum and an incoherent ambulance ride to the ER to get your stomach pumped before you’re ready to have a “conversation” with this girl. This is mostly because the most intelligent thing to come out of her mouth was the semen she spat out that morning after swishing and spitting since her 8th grade boyfriend told her it whitens teeth. Poor girl. No one’s had the heart to tell her otherwise. These girls typically major in Communications, Dance, or something that generally requires no thought past syllabus day, but at the same time keeps them in shape (the exception being Comm, but it’s not like they have any actual work to do, so they have a lot more free time for the gym). Don’t get fooled, though, not all stupid majors have women of such mental status that they’re able to talk about both Kim Kardashian and…no, actually that’s it. For example, if you’re stalking the English buildings looking for one, you’re going to have a bad time. The majority of what the English department has to offer are chicks that like to talk about how their latest “novel” incorporates fairies and demons and other weird shit no one likes to talk about in public, or if you’re really unlucky, you get girls that take themselves too seriously and make class run 10 minutes late because talking about how some class they took three semesters ago makes them an expert in the class you’re unlucky enough to be taking with them. Oh, and if Invader Zim isn’t on a shirt, it’s not getting worn. Ever.
2. Freshman Gone Wild
This is the girl that sat in the back corner of every classroom in high school and said nothing to anyone, mostly because everyone thought that chair was empty and had no idea she even existed. The summer before college is when she sat down and firmly decided, “Fuck being quiet,” I’m going to be LOUD and PROUD and NO ONE WILL EVER TRY TO TAKE MY CHAIR BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT IT WAS EMPTY. Well, being noticed and being a giant skank are two different things. The first party this girl goes to, she’ll try to talk to people and end up just kinda hanging back. Second one she’ll be completely bombed with liquid encouragement and be a hybrid version of a functional mute and Tara Reid in her prime, but probably not as hot. The mentality here is basically, “Oh em gee guys, I’m finally in COLLEGE and I get to experience LIFE and PARTIES and BOYS,” when in reality she thinks that taking it up the butt once in some chapter house bathroom makes her “mature.” If you come across one of these, make sure to hop on that horse before second semester. Getting her shit pushed in every weekend by a different guy has somehow convinced her that she’s actually attractive, where in reality she’s just an easy lay at the end of the night. Come second semester, she’ll gain her freshman 15 and then some, meaning you’ll have your chance to show her your “maturity” in her prime.
3. The Drunk Demon
Then one night you’re walking home and she runs up to you, nine cranberry vodkas deep, and tries to gargle your nuts in public…
You meet her in class and she’s a perfectly nice girl. See her at the gym? Completely normal. Then one night you’re walking home and she runs up to you, nine cranberry vodkas deep, and tries to gargle your nuts in public while making a poor attempt at trying not to barf on your shoes. What the fuck? Congratulations, you’ve found the Drunk Demon, essentially the older version of Freshman Gone Wild. Nothing wrong with her when she’s sober, but God forbid you invite her to a rush party. There’s an approximately 100% likelihood that she’ll either punch your brother in the face for something stupid like, “HE WOULDN’T GIMME HIS GLOWSTICK,” or try to steal shit, and not too subtly either. I’ve seen these chicks running out of satellite houses carrying heaps of clothing in their arms just to be football tackled on the sidewalk by guys. Don’t feel bad, though, she was asking to eat pavement. If you’re lucky, she’ll just end up being “that girl” in the corner of the party giving a blowie in public with everyone standing around taking pictures. Not everyone can make Momma proud, and these girls basically exist to make parents appreciate this next type of girl.
4. “Too Smart for You” Schoolgirl
She can carry a conversation about something other than “Vampire Diaries” or the latest Lilly Pulitzer print. She’s not slutty enough to give you crabs, and she won’t get so drunk that she falls off the DJ booth and then try to kick your dick for not catching her. Sounds great, right? Sorry, but no. This girl thinks that just because you’re a frat boy that shotguns tallboys five out of the seven nights of the week, it means she’s better than you. Her attractiveness maxes out around a 7/10, and that’s only when she’s wearing makeup and a pushup bra with so much padding that you could probably use it as a life preserver. She’s not snotty enough to completely blow off talking to you, but she’ll never show up to anything you invite her to because she thinks too highly of herself. Does any of that really matter, though? It’s not like you were looking for anyone with self esteem in the first place. This is probably the most normal girl you’ll meet, but worth the least amount of time.
5. The Groupies
Until you’re willing to bone a pledge, just show them where the keg is and let them do their thing.
Again, this really doesn’t need explaining. These are the 5-Star Generals of your fraternity, meaning that they’ve all slept with at least five of your brothers, and think that with every pearl necklace received, they’re that much closer to becoming a sweetheart. They can be a group of sorority girls or even GDIs, but either way they’re at every party, postgame and pregame, and it’s always the same girls. They’ll walk up, give hugs or do that annoying, overreacting fake-excitement “OMG HI HI HI HI HIIIIIIIII I haven’t seen you in FOREVERRRR,” and then do a light package tap with their hips while throwing their arms around your neck in an attempt to be sexy. Except they’re not, since by the end of the year 85% of your chapter is an eskimo bro with at least two other guys because of them. For the most part, the guys in the fraternity that get stuck with them, laugh at them when they’re not around and make fun of the ones that do get with them. Laugh all you want, but these groupies serve an important role at every rush party, which is that they make sure the impending pledges get laid. Until you’re willing to bone a pledge, just show them where the keg is and let them do their thing.