Once you get past the whole denial phase of a breakup, you’re immediately thrust (pun intended) into the bang-everyone-that-breathes phase. It’s shameless, it’s unsanitary, it definitely won’t make your ex jealous, and it also probably won’t help you move on. But do you care? Of course not.
You’re way too busy plowing through a line of hot (or not so hot) ass to be concerned with the aftermath. Clear your schedule, because if you just got back on the market, you’ll need time to literally bang bitches until your dick falls off. You’ll fuck 9s, you’ll fuck 4s, you’ll fuck that girl in your marketing class and feel awkward the rest of the semester…and you’ll also fuck all of these girls. Enjoy.
1. The Revenge Hookup
You’re a dude, so you’re not (that) petty, but girls are. In fact, this may be one of a few times when you are actually thankful for crazy girls. That hot chick from a rival sorority that hates your ex more than she hates gluten? She probably thinks you’re 10 times sexier because you dated her nemesis, and may or may not have broken her heart.
You won’t even have to try with this rebound, because for once in your goddamn life, you’re the trophy. Revel in this moment, sit back and enjoy a BJ, and maybe, just maybe, even text her the next day–if you really want to cause a shit storm.
2. The Grenade
It’s basic science. If you’re going to hook up with 30 girls in the month after your breakup, they’re not all going to be 10s. More specifically, some are going to be hard 3s.
Is your ex going to find out about it? Probably. Is she going to make fun of you for it? Definitely. But just remember that if she still gives a fuck about whose V is taking your P, she’s still not over your dick, and you still win.
3. The Friend of a Friend From Out of Town
In situations like this, the best person you could possibly hook up with is someone who you will never, ever see again and who definitely doesn’t know your ex at all. If you’re lucky, you’ll run into some hot mess at the bar who’s visiting her friend on campus.
Since we all know that girls visit their friends at other schools to get some out-of-town dick, you’ve essentially just scored the jackpot. Buy her a few drinks, assure her friend you’ll have her back (early) in the morning, and prepare to never have to see her again.
4. The One You Always Wanted to Bang
Whether she was a new recruit to your ex’s sorority or some hot chick in your bio class, you met her right after you had “the talk” with your girlfriend and you wished you had held off another week just so you could’ve banged this girl first. But it’s all good because you’ll make up for lost time when you bang her, her entire pledge class, and probably her second cousin.
5. The Plan B
If you don’t have a second-string/Plan B/back-up chick, you clearly haven’t been in the game for long enough. Sure, maybe you don’t actually consider her your Plan B, but if you’re in a relationship-type thing right now and you’re reading this, I’ll bet you that somebody came to your mind.
She’s the natural rebound, and if it’s a friend, you’ll probs fuck up that friendship in your quest to bang every girl in sight once you get un-wifed up. Oops?
6. The Tinder Chick
You said you were never going to download it, but it was winter break, you were bored, and your dick was down for an adventure. Well, you quickly learned why not to dip your dick into the cesspool known as Tinder, because everybody on that app (with maybe like, five exceptions) is fucking crazy.
Maybe you hooked up with a girl who said she “wasn’t looking for anything serious” and sent you a relationship request days after you sealed the deal. Maybe you hooked up with the girl who looked like Kate Upton in her picture and Caitlyn Jenner in real life. Or maybe you fucked the girl who said she was on the pill and texted you a week later saying she might be pregnant and wants to see you again. Either way, it’s an experience you probably don’t want to relive. You knew that Tinder was way too easy to not have a catch..