The 7 Frattest Jobs Your Dad Can Have

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Being in a fraternity is a family affair. You might be the only one who’s actually wearing the letters (barring a legacy situation), but every member of your family plays a part in your fraternity experience. You have your sister who everyone in the chapter jokes about banging/having banged, your brother who is either mercilessly rushed or completely ignored, depending on whether or not he’s younger or older, and your mom, who, gets the same treatment as your sister except only on Moms Weekend.

Then there’s your dad. Pops. The old man. His role? Bankrolling you, of course, but also giving the family a good name by way of his trade. The job doesn’t make the man, but it certainly helps define him. And, if his job is frat, it makes you that much more frat by association. Who doesn’t want that?

Here are the top 7 frattest jobs your dad can have, in no particular order.

1. Owner of a dealership

What’s fratter than owning a couple fancy cars? Oh, I don’t know — maybe owning an entire lot full of them? And then selling them off to fellow rich folk at a markup? Yeah, I’d say that cuts it. It doesn’t just have to be cars, either. Dealing anything is frat (just ask that one brother in your house – you know who I’m talking about). There’s just something about owning an entire lot full of desired goods that tips the NF-F scale in the F direction.

I mean, when your dad gets to use the unit of measurement “lot” because nothing else correctly describes the sheer quantity of his possessions, it’s kind of a dead giveaway that frat dealings are going on. Most of the time, people who use that unit are being intentionally hyperbolic. Like when I say “a lot of girls think I’m attractive.” Do you really think I’m claiming there’s a 100 yard x 200 yard cement slab somewhere out there full of girls who want to ride this ugly mug like it’s the stationary bike at their spin class? Of course not — unless that slab is covering up an Indian burial ground, and the entombed girls’ inability to answer the question in the negative (i.e. at all) is the logic behind assigning them the response in the affirmative. But actually owning enough cool shit to fill up an entire lot? TFM.

2. Doctor

As the son of a doctor, I’m definitely biased here. But I’m pretty confident that even if I wasn’t, I still would’ve included being a doctor on this list. In fact, I think that being the son of a doctor makes me even more qualified to testify to how frat it is. My dad is a gastroenterologist — you inerudite rubes might know that better as a butt doctor. Yup. My dad, a Phi Tau, has made a living out of #BUTTSTUFF2016. It doesn’t get any more frat than that. I’m just happy I can be a part of the family butt stuff business.

Even if your dad is a different kind of doctor than GI, he’s still living the frat life. Getting paid bank to tell fatties to get in shape as a cardiologist, snag babies out of ladies’ vaginas like he’s getting hiked a football as an OB/GYN, live out every foot fetishist’s dream as a podiatrist… the list goes on. Regardless of what type of doctor your dad is, there’s going to be something frat about it. Not to mention he gets to drop the “it’s actually Dr., not Mr.” line at every possible occasion. Titles are F.

3. Lawyer

Speaking of titles, I don’t understand why every lawyer doesn’t make you call them by the suffix “Esquire.” True story, we had a substitute teacher in high school who had a law degree but never made it as a lawyer (hence why he was subbing). Told us to call him “Mr. Dowrey, Esquire.” Wrote it on the board and everything. Dude carried around a briefcase and was also the spitting image of Henry Winkler, so he was pretty much the real life Barry Zuckerkorn from Arrested Development. I respected the hell out of Mr. Dowrey, even after he got fired from substitute teaching after it became blindingly apparent that he was a horrible teacher (and after he got caught letting kids jump out of classroom windows).

Being a real lawyer doesn’t make your dad quite as frat as Mr. Dowrey, but it does make him more frat than most dads. Having a firm grasp of the constitution and all applicable laws and then using that knowledge to put small-time offenders in jail, where they can then turn into hardened lifetime criminals? FAF. Plus he’s well connected, so you’ll never have to deal with public defenders. One of the many perks of having a frat dad.

4. Real estate developer

Gentrification is the way of the future. As cities grow, so does the demand for good land. And, if you ask me, there are too many poors crowding up some potentially nice parts of American cities these days. Gotta get ’em out; that’s what I say. Them and their slums are absolute eyesores. Sorry, little Timmy, but you’re gonna have to change elementary schools — the people in this town, you know, the ones who actually matter? They want a HuHot, and they want it now. And that’s where frat real estate developing dads come in.

Subjugating poor people in order to building places at which rich people can spend their hard-earned money is most definitely a TFM. Capitalism at its finest.

5. CEO

I think the frattest thing about your dad being a CEO is that his job title literally says nothing about what he actually does for work, just that he’s the dude in charge. A lot of times that ends up being appropriate, too, seeing as many CEOs are just figureheads who have no real effect on the day-to-day operations of their respective companies. CEOs are the Queen Elizabeths of the business world and they know it, but can you blame them for it? Getting paid tens of millions of dollars to do Jack F. Shit sounds like the fucking life. Having money and power that is completely undeserved, yet completely believing that you deserve said money and power. TFM.

6. Congressman

The fact that being a congressman requires winning a public election, and thus having random Americans believe your dad is the right man to represent them and their home state, is by itself enough to land it on this list. Add to that the rampant corruption, sex scandals (sorry, mom), and the fact that your dad is a political celebrity — the best kind of celebrity, because if you don’t like someone you can just have them killed (wake up, sheeple, Michael Dukakis had Tupac killed because he is #EastCoast4Life) — and your dad is almost too frat. Thank God he has that whole boring part of being a congressman — you know, congress — to knock him down a few pegs.

7. Prison warden

The dream job of every pledge master who was so good at hazing they actually convinced themselves what they were doing was productive and who want to keep doing it so as to “help out” even more people. “Do what you love and you never work a day in your life, right?” your dad says as he hoses down a new inmate with the aggression and tenacity of a white civil rights-era Alabama policeman. Hazing criminals, which are essentially society’s pledges, is quite fraternal in nature.

The Cadillac of prison wardening? Military prison wardening. It’s like being pledge master of a rogue fraternity, except you’re not even bound by U.S. law, and the pledges never get initiated. Unrestricted, round-the-clock hazing 365 days a year. What a fucking life.

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