Nowadays, if you’re looking for a relationship, there’s vast array of websites at your fingertips if you want to try to use the internet to find one. We have OkCupid, Match.com, hell even Tinder (but that’s better for casual hookups and/or getting kidnapped and stabbed to death).
There are certain red flags to be aware of when you’re looking at a girl’s online dating profile, and you’ve got to watch yourself. Here are some potential warning signs.
She says she’s obsessed with pizza.
Girls seem to think that openly loving food automatically makes them a “cool girl,” that she’s “down to earth” and “one of the guys.” I call it The Jennifer Lawrence Effect. Ladies, don’t blabber on about how much you love pizza and cake and Chipotle burritos. EVERYONE loves those things. You know who doesn’t love those things? ISIS. That’s it. ISIS, Hitler, Charles Manson, and Bill Cosby — only the purest of evils and craziest of crazies. Pizza is universally loved, like orgasms or Outkast. So you don’t need to tell us. Liking food doesn’t make you special, Jennifer.
She says she’s “bi.”
If her profile goes out of its way to say she’s bisexual, she just wants attention. And the more she mentions being bi, the less likely it is that she’s actually bi. If she really was bisexual, she wouldn’t need to announce it to the world. It’s 2016, EVERY girl says she’s bi, because it makes them interesting and edgy, but when they’re given a chance to go scuba diving in a pink slot pocket, they become straighter than any arrow. Also, girls, stop saying you’re these whacky wonderful rare sexualities (pansexual, demisexual, sapiosexual, omnisexual). There’s straight, gay and bisexual — those are the three items on the menu, so stop making up others to seem like a special snowflake.
She’s *too* much of an animal lover.
There’s nothing wrong with loving animals. To be totally honest, I think anyone who claims to hate dogs should be dipped in a cyanide jacuzzi because that person is obviously a serial murderer. But a girl that loves dogs TOO damn much is probably all 6’s and 7’s. Girls that are too obsessed with animals usually have a few screws loose. Any girl that says dumbass jokes “lol I love dogs more than people!” or “my cat is my best friend!” or (shudders), refers to their pets as “bae”, is a certifiable psycho. It means that they USED to have human friends, but they all ditched her because she was an obnoxious lunatic, so now her only friends are these little furry things that aren’t allowed to leave her house. It’s not a friendship, it’s an adorable hostage situation.
She says she’s fluent in sarcasm.
“LOL I’m fluent in sarcasm!” or “sarcasm is like a 2nd language to me” is the calling card for annoying people who aren’t nearly as clever as they think are (i.e. me). Other (equally annoying) versions of this irritating line “I’m fluent in profanity” (or anything about how they’re such a potty mouth LMAO) or “I have no filter!!!” 100% fuck no. Anyone who says this thinks they’re a brilliant wisecracking comedian but is really just a boring person who’s not the crazy ball of unique fun they think they are.
All her pictures are with guys.
Here on TFM, we’ve covered this in the past: A girl with no female friends is a huge red flag. All those dudes are either exes (in which case, why is she posting pictures of her exes on a dating site? Not only is that inappropriate, but she probably has more exes than Odd Future members, which is A LOT), or they’re her “platonic friends” (“he’s like a brother to me!”) who have been dying to slip inside ever since they met. Any guy that’s “like a brother” to her is dying to commit incest with her. And if she has no female friends, it’s because all her chick pals found out what a looney tune she was and abandoned her maniacal ass as soon as possible.
She describes herself “loyal.”
Anyone who has to go out of their way to mention what a loyal person they are is definitely not loyal. If you two end up in a relationship together, she’ll be having ancient Greece style orgies with her coworkers and making out with every dude that makes eye contact with her at a nightclub. She’ll give you more STDs than you even knew existed and your dick is gonna look like an Eli Roth movie. You’ll have a baby with her and in 13 years you’ll wonder why your son looks sooooo much like her friend Brian.
She says she’s “not like other girls.”
This is an obvious one. If she says she’s not like other girls, you can damn sure bet she’s exactly like other girls. That’s an easy one.
She has height requirements.
If her profile says something like “don’t message me if you’re under 5’11,” yikes. Imagine if the genders were reversed. Imagine if a guy put “don’t message me if you’re over 120 pounds” on his online dating profile. People would cut his head off with a rusty machete and throw it in the river while they crap on his corpse and light it on fire. Damn.
She lists My Chemical Romance as one of her favorite bands.