1. Phone Call
“Someone is dying, or I just need to know where you are at this exact moment”
With so many ways to make contact in our modern world, there’s really no need to make phone calls in most situations. Phone calls should be reserved for the most dire of circumstances: calling an ambulance, a local jail to check on a friend, or locating your drinking buddies at the bar.
“I need you to do something for me, but no big hurry.”
While an email might not be as instant or of the same priority as a text message, usually this type of communication is reserved for when you actually need to get something done. Group projects for school come to mind, along with any of the various forms of “I can’t come to class today, because ______” that you send your professor on a semesterly basis.
“This might be important, but probably not. Get back to me when you can.”
I’m no statistician, but I think it’s safe to assume that about 90% of productive communication for our generation happens through text message. From planning a party all the way down to asking your parents for a little supplement to the booze fund, text messages are the ultimate in convenience. While calling someone when they’re busy can be a rude gesture, a text message is the perfect way to say, “Just handle this on your own time.”
4. Group Text Message
“Let’s plan a group activity and hope that two people don’t turn this into their own personal conversation.”
Group text messages are great. When you’re coordinating with a large group of people, whether it’s for a sporting event or just a typical bar crawl, they’re amazing tools to round up the proverbial troops. Two things ruin group texts for everyone, though, and make them occasionally a bitch to deal with. First of all, group texts should never be used for a personal conversation between two people. If you guys want to coordinate something seperately, get your own fucking text box. Secondly, the always dreadful Android phone user crushes the sanctity of a group text. When I see those green text boxes, all I can feel is pity.
5. Tweet/Facebook Wall Post
“I found something funny on the internet, and thought you might like it”
I lumped these two together because they essentially serve the same purpose. While Tweets are a little more conversation oriented, usually any time you’re communicating through either of these, all you’re really doing is sharing something random you found on the internet. It might be educational, but usually it’s just an entertaining article or a collection of moderately funny GIFs.
6. Facebook Message
“For some (probably good) reason, I don’t have your phone number but still need to communicate.”
I know I’m not the only one out there who finds Facebook messages as a creepy form of communication. While they may have been useful years ago, lately it seems the only people who use it are the extremely bored, or the incurably creepy. Sure, it can be a useful way to get that forgotten hookup’s number for a casual re-slam, but chances are you don’t remember her name anyway.
7. Instagram Comment
“I have a vagina, and really liked this picture of food that you posted.”
I don’t know much about Instagram, but I know if you have any remote form of sack between your legs that it should be completely irrelevant to your existence.
8. SnapChat Message
Guys: “Hey look! I pooped!” Girls: “Hey look! I made a silly face!”
While paranoid parents around the world fear this app for its endless sexting capabilities, all I ever see it get used for are pictures of people’s turds. Maybe I just need better friends? While poops aren’t the only use for this quick messaging app, one could argue that the way girls use it is just as bad. If we made every girl look at a gallery of all the ridiculous faces they make on SnapChat, we would have a lot of demolished egos on our hands.
9. Google+ Wall Post
“I hope you’ll notice this in the next 6-12 months, but I’m not really counting on it.”
One time, I accidentally “+1’d” a hardcore porn video on my Google Plus account. Nobody ever noticed.