The Art Of Being A Condescending Asshole

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In the world of college fraternities, the true personalities and motivations of individuals often take a backseat to a smokescreen of attitudes, fronts, and images. The persona that a man creates around himself often precedes him, and if constructed with great attention to detail, can lead to him being larger than life in the eyes of those around him. Generally, acting in a condescending manner is nothing more than a fast track to being regarded as a smug prick, but the correct applications of condescension can have a positive impact on a variety of social interactions.

Pledges

When it comes to pledges, forget most of what I just said. Being condescending to these guys is second nature. However, a little creativity can go a long way here. In my experience, one of the best ways to demean pledges is to imply that they are lucky to be where they are, and that they don’t deserve a chance to be part of your organization. It’s also good to make it abundantly clear that your time is much more valuable than theirs, which can be done by speaking to them in a rushed manner while frequently checking your watch. If one of your pledges starts to feel like they’re a human being, it’s high time to feed them a bowl of Lucky-To-Be-Here Charms. Other than that, I’m going to assume that nobody needs me to tell them how to be a dick to their pledges.

Rivals

By this, I’m referring to anyone from another fraternity. In typical interactions with members of other fraternities, you’ll want to remain polite while also asserting your manhood and dominance. Intramurals present plenty of opportunities to casually flex on your rivals. The best athletes usually act like they’ve been there before, and a great way to do this is to barely acknowledge the opposing team members when shaking hands after the game, offering little more than a monotone “good game” as you pass them. Outside of the playing field, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to assert yourself. If you do a combined event with another house, make it very clear that their services aren’t needed and that they amount to little more than a charity case. This will allow you to be perceived as the “big brother” in the situation if you play your cards right.

Women

I’m sure most of you have had women complain about your parties here and there. “Why don’t you have Belvedere? I don’t like Grey Goose!” “Your theme was stupid so I didn’t dress up.” “You only have red jello shots, and I like blue a lot better!” Even this imaginary nagging is giving me a migraine. In these situations, it’s prudent to remind them exactly who’s in charge here. I’ll provide an example:

Girl: “Why did you guys get Cuervo? Sauza is way better!”
You: “Oh, I’ll contact my president immediately, this is a travesty! I’m so sorry that we provide free liquor to you and your sisters on a weekly basis! We’ll try to do better in the future.”

Another example:
Girl: “Why don’t you guys ever get wine?”
You: “You should go check out Pi Kapp. I hear they drink that shit all the time.”

Administration

This can be a tough one, because your school’s administration can ultimately decide whether or not your fraternity exists at all. However, you can still be a condescending prick while falling well within your school’s rules and regulations. If your fraternity gets kicked out of a local venue or causes a bunch of noise complaints, you may have to write an apology to the staff of the university. After you’ve covered all of the necessary bases in the apology letter, proofread it to make sure the level of sarcasm is at least a strong 7. If the passive-aggressiveness isn’t quite there, you can try changing the tone of the apology. Instead of saying “We’re sorry for any trouble we may have caused,” you can go with: “We’re so sorry for any feelings that were hurt” or “We sincerely regret that anyone was offended by our actions”. That way, the ball is in their court. A word of warning: If you do decide to place the ball in their court, make sure they don’t have a Steph Curry playing for them. That could fuck you over pretty good.

Geeds

The way you conduct yourself will be all that’s needed here. They say the best form of revenge is success, and similarly, the best way to show GDIs who’s boss is to dress better, get more women, throw better parties, and generally have a better college experience. Assuming you’re already doing this, you could go the extra mile and refer to them as “sport,” “champ,” “ace, “killer” or “pal” in conversation. If you want to dial it up a notch, “pussycat” will do.

All in all, condescension is best applied in small doses here and there. If used correctly, it can help you to establish yourself as the man in charge in any social situation. Just when and how you choose to apply it is up to you. After all, you’re an adult. You’ve got this, champ.

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