By now, I’ve cemented myself as your go-to source for the latest in frat trends, fashions, and activities. I brought y’all the paradigm-shifting straight arm drinking technique, these radical party themes that are guaranteed to get everybody you’ve ever met laid (preferably by you), and these intra-chapter competitions that your chapter just has to start putting on. On an unrelated note, I have also cemented myself to the inside of my boxers after clicking on those links and re-reading the beautiful words my tired fingers (I have a lot of slams) have typed out over the years. God, I’m great at what I do. Who knows where you donkey dinkers would be without me as your loving and omnipotent shepherd.
Lucky for you guys, I am one of the few generous DeVry graduates, and I’m about to enrich your lives once again. On the real though, most of the other graduates don’t donate shit back to our alma mater. Not sure if they’re stingy or if they just have no money, but they’re not doing their part. Considering the average DeVry graduate leaves college with an average salary of $116,000 (according to an AIM message I got from a guy claiming to be the dean of students), I find the latter hard to believe. Pony up, cheapskates.
Time to get down to business. I’m here to tell y’all about a beer pong rule that deserves to be added to every player’s repertoire as well as every lame-ass “House Rules” poster: the assassin rule. The assassin rule is as follows: If one of your opponents’ shots is so badly overthrown that it goes over the table on the fly, you are allowed to, in one motion, catch it and throw it back at either one of your opponents. If you hit one of them in the face, you win the game. Sounds simple enough, right? Well, it’s not. I’ve played in many, many, many, many, many games with this rule in place (I was gonna include like six more “many”s but didn’t want to make the losers in the audience feel bad) and have only witnessed four successful assassinations.
Why is it so tough? Keep the following things in mind.
1. Blocking is completely legal
A lot of times, you are fully aware of when you’ve put too much muscle into your throw. Maybe that day was arm day, or maybe you are just trying to impress your hot coed teammate. Either way, when you overthrow it, you usually know. This gives you just enough time to stick a hand or two up to protect the moneymaker (or duck below the table if you’re a pussy like me).
2. “The face” is a specific zone
I’ve seen plenty of assassination attempts hit someone smack-dab in the front of the head, just above the hairline. Sorry, folks, you aren’t Lee Harvey Oswald — that doesn’t count as an assassination. The face, as decided by the Federation of Rules regarding Assassination Tries (FRAT), includes the area of one’s face starting at the hairline and following the jawline down to the chin. The legal face zone varies by person, as humans come in all shapes and sizes (most of them bad). Here is a diagram of the legal face zone, as it relates to my handsome boss Roger Dorn.
3. An assassination attempt must include only one motion, from catch to release
The real reason we see so few successful assassinations is that aiming is next to impossible. Unless you have the reflexes of a cat on cocaine, you only have time to catch the ball and whip it in the general direction of your opponent. No lining up, no pump fakes. Just a whip and a prayer. The assassin rule takes mere minutes to learn, but a lifetime to master. It’s like chess, but for non-virgins.
A few additional remarks about the assassin rule are that it promotes accountability, and it favors the underdog. The fact that, under legal circumstances, an assassination can be attempted on either member of the opposing team means that your actions can lead to your team losing as well as your partner having a quarter-sized hickey that he really hopes he doesn’t have to explain to his parents. Don’t pick a shitty partner (tough luck if you’re playing in a mixed doubles match). Furthermore, the assassin rule favors the underdog because it makes last cup situations a terrifying ordeal for your opponent. With the knowledge that missing by a fraction of a centimeter leads to them having a plastic sphere hurled at them at like a thousand miles an hour eating away at the part of their brain that tells them not to be a pussy, your opponents are much more likely to throw the ball short. This gives your (clearly shitty and in need of help) team a better chance at a comeback (that you squids clearly don’t deserve).
Try it out. Just like I tell all my thousands of slams, satisfaction is 100% guaranteed. And, unlike when I tell them that, I actually mean it this time..