For well over a hundred years your company has provided the fraternal gentlemen of this glorious country with the sweet malted elixirs that we treasure so dearly, like a gentle 2-inch long Kardashian nipple extended to satiate a mutant antichrist Kanye baby (I’m just assuming she has Nat Geo nips, I’ve never summed up the courage to watch the sex tape with Ray J). However, in the news lately, we have heard some appalling rumors that, if true, would completely incinerate the foundation of trust and mutual benefit that we’ve developed over the years. I’m speaking, of course, about the alleged watering-down of beers that a class-action lawsuit claims runs rampant in your national factories.
We are shocked and infuriated to hear that this may be the case, and seeing as an average of 75% of our textbook money goes to your (allegedly) fine products, we deserve an explanation. We all just thought that we were slowly gaining an unnaturally high tolerance to complete our ascension to party god status, but it appears this is not the case.
Here in America, we do our best to cruise through a high octane, high calorie, and high alcohol life, while you Belgian sons-of-bitches are making our BAC’s drop faster than Manti Te’o’s draft stock. “It’s all going to be the same,” you said, when your inBev CEO signed the hefty check to purchase one of the great American beer behemoths, and a lot of it was. The beer was still made in America, tasted more or less the same (read: like shit), and would eventually send us into that inebriated state where everything becomes just a little more awesome, and a lot more difficult to understand. But now, with these claims, it seems we have stumbled across your true intentions. First you water down our beers, and before you know it you’ll be trying to get us squatting on top of a bidet while watching “futbol” and ramming buttered waffles up our asses.
The best way to explain this injustice, I feel, is with a good old fashioned metaphor. You see, Anheuser-Bitch/inBev, here in America our beer and our women’s breasts have a lot in common. You can always count on both after a long, hard day. No matter what, they can bring joy to the most troubled of lives. Nearly every man loves them, and it’s commonly agreed that the ones who don’t are missing out. Selling watered down beer is essentially the same as selling a magical push-up bra that makes even the titless appear as if they commanded the best set of Double Dynamos you’ve ever seen.
What if other well-regarded companies began selling “watered down” versions of their namesake products? What if McDonald’s tried to pass off a McDouble with a single patty? What if your hooker abruptly stopped mid blowjob and started talking about her problems? What if that delicious Mexi-meat you devour in the wee hours of night at Taco Bell wasn’t really….wait…shit, bad example.
So where do we go from here, my friends at Anheuser-inBev? If these allegations play out to be true, we, the fraternity men of America, will have a lot of trouble trusting a company that has taken one of our greatest collective pastimes and dropped a steamy, watered-down load right on top of it. We could just get our pledges to carefully administer a half shot of vodka into each beer we consume, but we’ll probably just drink Coors. Maybe there’s some way you could develop a particularly high alcohol beer, water that down, and then at least we’ll be able to get drunk the way we’re supposed to. That must be what Bud Light Platinum is for.
The Fraternal Community