One of the great pleasures of being in a fraternity is the chance to take a girl that you may or may not know to an unfamiliar place for an all-out booze fest. These events are usually disguised with a name like “______ Formal,” so that it sounds good enough to make a girl wet for just being chosen to accompany you. The best part is, she won’t say no…because of the implication.
Here are a couple of familiar characters that appear at formal:
A true miracle worker. This is the guy who will fuck up beyond belief and somehow come out scot-free. I’m not talking about getting too drunk and saying something rude to your date. No, I’m talking about ditching the date, hooking up with multiple girls, and ending the night by banging her little. This guy has learned from the example of pros, such as Ben Roethlisberger, O.J. Simpson, Ray Lewis, and Kobe Bryant.
The Bill Buckner
This guy is the complete opposite of The Houdini. He will buy the best booze, say the right things, and have his date wetter than the Niagra before formal even comes around. But then, when it’s game time, he lets the chance to make a play escape between his legs worse than Bill Buckner.
This group of self-conscious sophomore girls should be exiled to the woods for the local good ol’ boys to play deliverance with. They are the absolute worst. They will sit in the corner of the party milking watered down UV lemonades while glaring at the rest of the party for not giving a shit about them. Their dates are probably getting blacked out in the other room, debating the pros and cons of whether or not they have the ability to get drunk enough to hook up with the Snorlax impersonator that Scott got tricked into taking as a blind date.
The Lost Date
This girl will spend the night looking for a date who probably doesn’t want to be found in the first place. She will enter every room and conversation by drunkenly screeching “Has anyone seen my date? I can’t find Kyle!” as if anyone gives a fuck. This girl is a disease, and if not monitored carefully she may suck your date in on a two hour man hunt for a guy who is probably banging her twin in the bedroom next door.
This person doesn’t know where the fuck they are. After smashing half a handle of whiskey upon arrival and attempting multiple shotguns, this person looks worse than post “shock and awe” Baghdad. They will be stumbling around speaking in tongues only known by a Pentecostal Church, with an unmistakable stench of vomit lingering around them. Avoid eye contact at all cost, or you run the risk of a very uncomfortable hug, and an even more uncomfortable situation when attempting to get away from them.
The Bear Grylls
A testament to the human will. This guy will come out of his blackout in some obscure place, and make it back to everyone else right as everyone else is about to leave. The main problem usually stems from them losing their phone and or wallet, and their resourcefulness is always uncanny.
The Soap Opera
These two partygoers shouldn’t be in the same state, let alone sharing a bed. This fight began brewing the moment they set eyes on each other the morning they left for the formal, but the first day will consist of awkward tension and small arguments until that night when the tiniest thing splits the atom and Hiroshima is happening before your eyes. Though everyone can hear it happening, onlookers will pretend like the music is too loud and avoid entering this warzone at all costs. Everyone, that is, except for her best friend, who will personally take it upon herself to be the biggest mega-bitch she can be and tell every girl at the formal that “Stacey’s date is a dick and I heard he has warts!” even though we all know that they are just pleasure bumps.
Each of these characters can be handled with different approaches, you just have to keep your eye out and identify them individually. Happy hunting.