You notice her out of the corner of your eye as you guzzle down your 14th whiskey ginger. You immediately perform a double take, confused as to why a woman over 30 would spend her precious middle aged time at your favorite college town bar. Then it hits you.
My friend, you have stumbled upon the hardly elusive beast known as the “Cougar,” whose sole existence revolves around her ability to sway young men face first into her cobwebbed loins. At first glance, the thought of “This would be a fucking awesome story” may cross an amateur’s mind, but I am here to warn you of the potential devastation that could arise in this unique sexually deviant encounter. Read on and take note, because a tragic cougar scenario could easily go from “kinky” to “catostrophic” in a matter of hours.
Con #1 Cleaning the Pipes
In order to truly understand the Cougar, one must first try to understand why she feels the need to prey on inebriated college kids for her sexual pleasure. In a recent completely fabricated study, 95% of all Cougars are recent divorcee’s looking to get a resurgence of youthful schlong in her repertoire. Because of this, you never have to work too hard to slay the mid-life crisised beast. Despite the simplicity, however, there is a darker side to this knowledge.
Chances are if she’s been dealing with divorce she’s been sexually deprived for an unusually long period of time. I’m not talking about the 2-month dry spell your roommate complained about Sophomore year, I’m talking years of absence and vaginal neglect. You can never be sure of what the “state of the union” is going to be like down there, and like a $1 scratch off lotto ticket you won’t know the truth until it’s too late.
Think of the enormous amounts of skin stretching terror squeezing out a kid or two must deploy to a woman’s vagina. Newsflash: it isn’t pretty.
Con #2 Psychotic Exes
Since most of these women are products of a combination of presumably pedophiliac uncles and violently failed marriages, many of these encounters could lead to a run-in with a psychotic ex in the future. I’ve seen everything from an awkward public call out by an insecure paper pusher to a full on private investigator following a friend for weeks. These old dudes really make it a mission to ruin their whorish ex-wives existence.
The true issue lies in the fact that your little round of semen target practice with a cougar means much more for her than it does for you. By giving her attention, you make those little shriveled up raisins she calls ovaries pulsate in delight. So, naturally she does what any women desperate for attention would do, she hangs it over her husband’s little 5’7″ head.
I’m no expert, but I feel like your safest bet is to stay as far away from potential homicidal rampage situations as you can. Maybe that’s just me.
Con #3 The Consequences
There are many things in the world of true men that remain constant. We don’t let women cook our steak. When we take a dump, we look at it for a minute. And by God when a friend does something worthy of ridicule, we proudly step up to the opportunity.
By hooking up with a cougar, you are essentially handing your friends an eternal go-to weapon in your daily duels of sarcastic wit. Unless she looked like something off a top rated Milf Hunter video, you’re going to get shit for slaying the botoxed beast.
Hooking up with a cougar is a lot like going to a beach in the Northeastern states. Sure it can be fun, and it is still a beach…but it just isn’t the same without the sunshine.