I love hitting the gym. I don’t actually exercise. I just listen to some melodic jams on my iPhone and do 1 push-up every 10 minutes — but still. It’s a fun and fascinating environment and luckily I’m an avid water fountain enthusiast.
After a rough day, there’s nothing better than putting on some baggy basketball shorts and my favorite Celine Dion tank top to lackadaisically ride the stationary bikes directly behind the yoga pants occupied stairclimbers.
Every time I’m at the gym, there’s certain types of dudes I always notice. A very particular pattern of peculiar people that I love to observe with my binoculars while I trip on the treadmill and drink too much grape Gatorade.
I’ve decided to take all this scientific research and make a comprehensive list. These are the different types of douchebags you see at the gym.
Mr. Social Media
This guy isn’t really doing that much physical activity. He just needs EVERYONE to know he’s at the gym. He’s holding his phone and he’s taking selfie after selfie after selfie. He just can’t seem to get the angle or lighting just right. He’s been taking up valuable real estate — loading up the squat rack solely to use the mirror — without actually doing a set. But this isn’t about fundamentally etiquette or common courtesy. Homeboy is just out to maximum likes from thirsty blondes and his meathead buddies on social media. He’s gotta post that shit everywhere. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Pornhub, TotalFratMove, EVERYONE needs to know that he’s working out. Even though he hasn’t started working out yet. It’s been 7 hours now, hopefully he’ll get that perfect picture soon.
The wandering eye.
Look, I get it, there’s hot girls at the gym. Sometimes you’re absolutely surrounded by them. But from a young age, many males learn the skill of looking at asses in a subtle manner. Quick yet thorough glances while no one is looking, take a mental snapshot, then move on with your goddamn life. Normal dudes know how to be a booty ninja. Get with the program. But this guy couldn’t spell the word “subtle.” He’s blatantly staring at all the asses and titties within 4 square miles. He’s creeping people out and that chick on the elliptical is considering calling the cops.
The attention hoe
He’s big and buff. A white Hulk who was shot with a deer antler spray ray in the BALCO laboratories who reeks of B.O. and has a greasy neckbeard. He’s about to lift some weights, but he wants it to be a show for all to see. Everyone in the Western Hemisphere witnesses needs to see him put up three plates. He stands there and stalls. Walks around and stretches. He warms himself up. He breathes loudly and grunts and groans like he’s pissing out a boulder sized kidney stone. He does everything he can to draw tons of attention towards himself and put on his little one man circus. Just lift the goddamn weight you dirt cheap discount Ronnie Coleman.
Guy that doesn’t know his limitations
I’m a little fella and I’m as weak as a cancer ridden mouse but at least I’m self aware. I usually throw around the 17.5 dumbbells, and that’s only on the days I get a free sample of preworkout. I’m well aware of my limitations, unlike others.
We’ve all seen the guy at the gym that’s self conscious and trying to overcompensate for his size — or lack thereof. He’s trembling. He’s fucking up his spine and his janky form hurts to watch. You can tell that there’s approximately a 96% chance that he’s about to die. This dude is 5’2”, maybe a buck thirty, and he’s trying to bench triple his body weight on the smith machine. Dude you don’t need clips. It’s a self spotting machine, yet he’ll still somehow find a way to drop it on his adam’s apple, gag out his own lungs and splatter blood all over the rubber tiles..