President: I am calling this meeting to order at 6 PM. I would like to welcome the brotherhood back from winter break. I hope everyone enjoyed themselves.
Daniel: I got a blowjob on New Year’s!
President: Swell, Daniel. I think literally everyone got a blowjob on New Year’s. It’s really not that impressive. Definitely not something to brag about.
Daniel: But hold on, it was awesome! See it started out…
President: Seriously, it was New Year’s. It happens to everyone. In fact, would anyone who got a blowjob on New Year’s please raise their hand? (Everyone raises their hand except for one person.) Okay. Everyone who didn’t… (Scott raises his hand.)
Scott: This is bullcrap guys. You don’t know what it’s like to have a religious girlfriend.
President: We don’t know what it’s like to have a religious girlfriend for the same reason we don’t use anal beads. We don’t WANT to know. (Everyone grimaces. Scott dry heaves.) Anyway, the scribe will note on the roll that everyone received a blowjob on New Year’s… except for Scott.
Scott: Fuck you!
President: Okay, unlike Scott’s girlfriend, it’s time to get down to business. (Steam is cartoonishly blowing out of Scott’s ears.) So we have that big event planned, and we’re getting Toby Keith to perform for us. How’s that going along?
Events Chair: Who’s Toby Keith?
President: The wildly famous country music star you were supposed to book for our huge party. The guy who looks like an Al Qaeda caricature of an American. The guy who gets an erection every time he sees a flag.
Events Chair: He gets hard every time he sees a what?
President: Jesus Christ. A flag, idiot.
Events Chair: Right. Well we remembered that his name was Toby, but totally forgot what his last name was, so we tried to book Tobey Maguire and LeVar Burton instead.
President: How in the shit did your brain, after not remembering exactly who Toby Keith was, immediately move to emo Spiderman and the actor who played a character named Toby in Roots, a mini-series that was produced before you were born? And they aren’t even musicians!
Events Chair: That didn’t stop Nickelback.
President: Please tell me you didn’t book them.
Events Chair: Wait, so you do or you don’t want a musician?
President: Just fucking book Toby Keith! God, this job has more pressure than Scott’s testicles after a night of over the shirt feel ups with his girlfriend.
Scott: I fucking hate you.
Scribe: Scott’s sexual ineptitude is in the minutes, sir.
President: Moving on (checks notes), so you’re are also planning a date event for later this month, correct?
Events Chair: Yes. My committee has worked hard, and we finally have a solid plan.
President: Great, let’s hear it.
Events Chair: So, we rent a riverboat cruise for a night with fine dining selections and an open bar as we set sail on the gorgeous river near our campus.
President: Okay, that sounds nice.
Events Chair: It gets better. We’re getting Sir Mix-A-Lot to DJ.
President: (muttering under his breath) Amazing how you know who that is, but you don’t know Toby Keith.
Events Chair: What?
President: I said, kind of a random celebrity but the girls know who he is, so it should be fun.
Events Chair: The best part will be when Sir Mix-A-Lot plays his most well known song right as we pass by that huge waterfall.
President: Why is that the best part?
Events Chair: Well combine the open bar, the song, the waterfall, and–
President: All that just for a buttpee joke? This isn’t the TFM comments. People expect you to make an effort here. Plus nobody except desperate old porn stars and anyone in need of five dollars in Thailand does that.
Events Chair: Pffft well we’re gonna do that. The boat has no bathrooms! Gotta go somewhere! In their butts!… Is where! … Where we’ll pee!
President: Enough! Why the fuck did we ever put you in a position of power?
Drew: He’s a legacy, and his dad is loaded from inventing those little things that go on top of pizzas so you can’t smash the pizza through the box.
President: I’m going to smash so many fucking pizzas tonight. And speaking of needing loaded alumni, have we heard anything about the latest issue with our pledges?
Pledgemaster: I believe I have a solution that not only relieves us of any responsibility, but actually causes us to profit.
President: We’re able to gain profit for pledge tobogganing because it snowed on campus for the first time in 50 years? Did the patent actually go through on the pledge toboggan?
Pledgemaster: Better. I was able to sell half of the pledge class into slavery to pay for the cost of the medical and legal fees which arose from that issue.
President: Sold them to who!?!?!
Pledgemaster: I don’t know. I didn’t go on a date with the guy. I didn’t ask him his life story. It was some guy with a truck. You want me to get things done or what? I’m a DOER.
President: You’re a fucking moron. Do you know how much we’re going to have to pay in legal fees to be able to even have a shot at explaining this?
Pledgemaster: No, but let me know how much money you need, and I’ll sell enough pledges to help pay for it.
Philanthropy Chair: At least someone used my pledge auction idea. Although, not the way I intended.
Vice President: SHUT UP about the pledge auction!
Events Chair: Just an FYI, we might need to keep the whole selling the pledges thing quiet until the party. I don’t think LeVar Burton would be cool with the whole slavery thing.
President: I don’t give a fuck what Levar Burton thinks! We’re not hiring him!
Philanthropy Chair: We coudl still use LeVar Burton. He was on Reading Rainbow. Doesn’t our philanthropy benefit literacy programs?
President: Leukemia research.
Philanthropy Chair: Last time I checked you have to read to research.
President: (mumbles) Goddammit.
Events Chair: Don’t Shanghai my LeVar Burton idea you dick!
President: STOP! Both of you assholes get on the phone and do not talk to me unless you have Toby Keith or someone else famous booked for our big party. It is our biggest party of the year, and I will not let the incompetence of you two morons fuck it up for everybody. Now start making calls.
Pledgemaster: Shit, he should’ve been pledgemaster.
Rush Chair: Can I give my report?
President: Why the fuck not?
Rush Chair: I just figured out that if we sign literally everyone that rushes, but sell the rushees we don’t like into slavery, we can earn a profit, while retaining the kids we do like. That also means that the other fraternities will die off because all of their rushees will be sold into slavery before they can even be offered a bid. And with that profit we earn, we can throw more kickass rush events which will lead to better and more rushees joining. That leads to more money from having more pledges which leads to more money for more parties. We will dominate the Greek scene.
President: I’m taking exec board to see Lincoln tonight.
Events Chair: We’re back!
Philanthropy Chair: We got him!
President: You got Toby Keith?
Events Chair: Better.
President: Better than Toby Keith? Who did you get?
Events Chair: Oh I don’t know, how about the star running back for the Minnesota Vikings!?
President: You got Adrian Peterson!? Shit, I don’t even care that he’s not a musician. We can just hand him a random instrument. Or he doesn’t need to play an instrument. It’s Adrian FUCKING Peterson!!! Holy shit, I really underestimated you guys.
Philanthropy Chair: Adrian Peterson is the star running back?
Events Chair: Oh, we got Toby Gerhart.
(President gives a death stare to both of them.)
Events Chair: But we were able to get LeVar Burton too, so it’s a double win.
President: You’re all fired… (reconsiders) no, I resign…(looks around the room, reconsiders again)…no, you’re all fired. New elections next Monday. Meeting adjourned. I’m going to drink, a lot. None of you are invited.
Image via The Daily kansan