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The Emoji Movie Will Destroy America As We Know It

Screen Shot 2017-07-30 at 6.10.50 PM

It’s here. It’s really here. That fateful day has come. It’s the day we have all been fearing. The most definitive piece of proof that every day we stray farther away from God. The Emoji Movie has just come out in theaters across the country, as well as the rest of the planet. Please know your evacuation routes and hug your loved ones.

We deserve this catastrophe. We brought this on ourselves. We’ve been in denial and we constantly ignored all the warning signs that were right in front our faces the whole time. A year ago, when this godforsaken film was announced, we knew it was going to be a total mess but we just brushed it off. Just like we do with all upcoming, inevitable global disasters. Ignorance is bliss. So we tried to forget about it. Out of sight, out of mind.

Then we started to hear news about it. We started to read internet buzz about it. We read baffling, horrific announcements about the star studded cast who will be doing the voiceover performances. TJ Miller as the main character? But he’s such a funny dude! Why is he doing this to himself?! Legendary deadpan stand-up comic Steven Wright as the “meh” emoji? Why is this happening?! James Corden? Anna Farris? Jeff Ross?! The MILF from American Pie? Christina motherfuckin Aguilera? Patrick Stewart voicing the poop emoji?! WHY GOD? WHY?!

But still, we continued to try to look the other way. We weren’t emotionally equipped to handle all this information at once. We ignored it. We didn’t have the hearts to look our children in the eye and warn them about the upcoming tragedy we would all have to endure as a country.

But time flew by faster than we expected. All of a sudden, we started seeing trailers for The Emoji Movie popping up online, as well as dozens of articles about those trailers, and how terrible they were. But we just scrolled past it, afraid to face reality, afraid to look our mortality in the eye and accept our fates.

Then, the commercials for The Emoji Movie started airing on our television sets. They started out rare, but they gradually started coming at a more rapid pace. Then the next thing you knew, the commercials came on every day, multiple times a day. After all of that came the billboards. At first, we’d see a few billboards and random signs around the city for The Emoji Movie. But then they were everywhere. Giant billboards on the highway with a poop emoji on them, and the tagline “[poop emoji] Happens!” Giant designs on the signs of skyscrapers adverting the movie. The Devil himself laughing in our face.

And now it’s here. It’s barely limped past a zero percent on Rotten Tomatoes and it’s been planted in our movie theaters like a bomb sent from North Korea. The Emoji Movie is out. It exists. We let this happen. May God have mercy on our souls.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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