The Five Bitter Disappointments You Meet During Rush Week

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The most vital time of the year for our chapters and our system is upon us. This is when we rebuild, or if we’re lucky, reload with the men we are going to count on to carry on the greatness of our fraternity long after we walk outside the confines of our house’s dingy, vomit-stained walls for the last time. Recruitment is the name of the game, and a new crop of fresh meat just rolled onto campus with their lanyards and bullshit stories of how hard they went back in high school. You’ll man flirt with hundreds of these potentials, but these are the five biggest bitter disappointments you’ll meet during Rush Week.

1. The Overzealous Kid

This guy seems nice enough, maybe he’ll even grow on some guys, despite their best efforts. However, the overarching opinion of him is this: He’s just trying too hard. He won’t be hard to spot. On day 1, he’ll be the one showing up in pastel everything and using the word “bro” twice in every sentence. At the end of the day, the kid’s just damn glad to be here. The best way to handle him is to keep him around for a couple days so the actives have somebody to laugh at, but not so long that he begins to scare off the guys you actually want. Then, banish him to one of the lower-tier houses.

2. The One Who Looks Great on Paper

Four-year letter winner in football, former high school student body president, and his pops is one of the top lawyers in the state. This kid seems like a can’t-miss prospect. But for every guy who seems like Peyton Manning, there will be a Ryan Leaf. He’ll blend in briefly before it all goes downhill. Eventually, he’ll become unpredictable and get wrapped up in hard drugs, (or worse, Amway) and he’ll drop and join the Young Democrats or some other obscure organization right around the time you realize he sucks. His old man isn’t proud of it either.

3. The Odd Duck

This guy probably got invited because he grew up down the street from somebody in the chapter, and his mom asked you to look out for him when he came to college. One interaction with him, and you’ll see why. He’s got no regard for his well-being, your chapter’s well-being, or really any social etiquette whatsoever. He likes to think outside the box, which ironically is probably where he’ll remain if he ever meets any sorority girls. While he may jeopardize both your image and your charter, he can be a hell of a time, and may also have a bottomless supply of Adderall that he never uses. The Odd Duck is the embodiment of “High Risk, High Reward.”

4. The Devil Wears Boat Shoes

He’ll seem like a surefire candidate for exec: Charming, charismatic, a real go-getter, and he is. But don’t be fooled; His only motivation is to make himself look great, with little to no interest in the advancement of the rest of you. Despite this kid’s obvious downside, the women will flock to him for the aforementioned reasons, and that’s good for the rest of you. Eventually you’ll put him in the exec position that he can fuck up the least, and everybody wins.

5. The Extremely Entitled Legacy

There’s (at least) one in almost every house. If you can’t point him out, it’s probably you. This guy’s got a dad or brother who is a legend and will continue to be, no matter how long he’s been graduated. If his brother was Alec Baldwin, he’s the Baldwin who did movies with Pauly Shore. He’ll think he can walk around the house during Rush Week with his dick hanging out and still get a bid, and he’s probably right. He may come across as an arrogant little shit early on, but then again, so did his brother. With the right amount of grooming from the right people, there’s hope for this kid. He’ll either become president, or you’re fucked. Maybe both.

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