The Five Types of Beer Pong Players

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The sport of beer pong has been a fraternity institution for hundreds of years, dating back to the Medieval German game of Weißenpongen. Over that time, the players have evolved along with the game. Nowadays, there are a few types of players that are universal throughout the pong world. These are the people who are shaping the game’s future and leaving a legacy for our children. God help them.

1. Sober

We all know that the most despicable form of beer pong cheating is playing sober. The fact of the matter is, having such a clear advantage in motor skills and reasoning is the pong equivalent to a Barry Bonds-level of PEDs. The shitty thing about this advantage is that it is usually accompanied by an Alex Rodriguez-level of denial. (“So what if I’m sober? It’s my first game, I’m still warming up. This is my NIGHT!”) In the interest of fairness, a person isn’t eligible to play in my dojo until failing a field sobriety test administered on the spot by our Sergeant-at-Arms, Mongo. Nothing gets by Mongo.

2. House Rules Enforcer

Beer pong is something special because the rules are slightly different wherever it is played. These variations give the game diversity in gameplay that no other can match, and should be embraced. That said, some places take this to the extreme, and as a result, ruin it for everyone. Oh, at your house it’s an insta-win if you make three in a row on a Thursday before midnight? Okay. If you need me, I’ll be over here not playing with you idiots. If you need a web of incredibly obscure and complicated rules to beat someone, you should just head over to the kids’ table and play flip-cup with some Welch’s. But don’t let those little fuckers cheat — this is YOUR house.

3. Distracting Girl

I get it. You have tits (they’re great, by the way), but you don’t need to be doing any squeezing, rubbing, flashing, or really any other verb with them for me to notice. Trust me; I’d be looking at your boobs no matter what they were doing. And believe me, I have been since you arrived. So, cut the bullshit and play the damn game. Don’t get me wrong. I think I’ve made it perfectly clear how much I enjoy your anatomy, but using that as a tool for your advantage is just stupid and a waste of both of our times.

4. Over-competitive

In beer pong, as with any competition, any red-blooded American wants to win. It’s just our nature as the best people in the world to want to be the best at everything in the world (except soccer, am I right?). But what many players fail to realize is that beer pong has other, perhaps more important, objectives than winning. Pong is all about gamesmanship, camaraderie, and of course, drinking. It’s a similar situation to the kid from your middle school basketball team who gave pre-game pep talks. Calm down, LeBron. Most of us are here so our parents don’t make us join the choir. Likewise, most of us play beer pong in an effort to get drunk. Charles Barkley had the right idea when he said, “Why am I just not drinking this beer in front of me!?!” Preach, Sir Charles.

5. Too Drunk to Play

As I mentioned before, a certain amount of inebriation is necessary to make pong a fair and enjoyable activity for all. That said, everyone is familiar with the player who I like to call Kobe Bryant — past his prime and really shouldn’t be playing, but goddammit he’s trying and that’s all you can ask for. However, ask the Lakers (in confidence, of course), and I’ll bet every single person in that locker room would rather do without him. This is the dilemma of playing with a beer pong Kobe. If you are unfortunate enough to be his partner, it’s probably in your best interest to just pull an Old Yeller and put him out of his misery — that is, give him some more booze and send him away quietly, and find a new partner who can hold their own. It’s… it’s for his own good, son. *tears*

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