What I say in the video is true: I have never in my life met anyone who can throw a football farther than me. Say what you want about my claim, but I see it as a statement of fact, because I’ve never been beaten. I have an arm.
Intern Craig is a 6’2″ college quarterback in the best physical condition of his life (he’s also a high jumper). Football and track practice every day, this guy. Me, though, I haven’t picked up a football in two years and spend nine hours a day sitting at a desk. But confidence was still high, because the ability to throw the fuck out of something is God given, it’s a gift, one that was bestowed unto me, and it doesn’t leave you until your body deteriorates.
I knew as long as I had enough warmup tosses to re-calibrate my release and hand placement, I’d have a good shot to take down Craig Heiser III (great football name, by the way). I had to get a spiral off. That was key. A wounded duck wasn’t going to win this thing. One spiral when I uncorked one and I knew I’d be an overwhelming favorite. People doubted me while I maintained quiet, stoic confidence.
A quick note on this video: We had to change venues from a football field to Zilker Park because we got kicked off the field. For this reason, we don’t know the exact yardage of our throws. My very honest estimate of my best throw: 66 yards. I’ve done enough of these to know what a 60-yard toss looks like, and I know when I go over 60. I went over 60 by about six yards. That’s real. Craig went about 58.
I make jokes about challenging Matt Stafford, but I will challenge anyone who I deem reputable enough. You can’t just be any geek off the street. You gotta be handy with a football if you know what I mean. Earn your keep. You know where to find me (sitting at a desk at Grandex HQ and not practicing)..
P.S. Big shouts to our boy Dan Regester for making this video.