After a day of uncensored reckless American bliss, the day that follows our nation’s birthday is one of the most lifeless hungover squares on any self-disrespecting patriot’s calendar. Independence day is typically the most binge-worthy liver assault you’ll make all year, and the day after is bound to be dominated by a headache that thumps harder than a dubstep song on a scratched CD.
One of the most debilitating parts of your typical July 5th hangover lies in the massive amount of sunshine intake your skin is bound to receive. Sunscreen is easy to forget in the hysteria that is the Fourth of July, and if you’re quick to burn your hangover experience becomes exponentially more painful.
Recovering from America’s birthday is no easy task, and chances are you’ll be taking a “personal day” to get yourself back to prime productivity form. It happens to the best of us, and if you treated the holiday with any respect at all, your number one accomplishment of the day should be finally dragging your ass out of bed.
The infamous Seis de Mayo is another day that lives in nauseous infamy for all of us. While we normally couldn’t give two shits about Mexican independence, Cinco de Mayo is a day reserved for funnelling cheap tequila, and wishing Corona didn’t taste like raccoon piss.
It doesn’t quite stack up to our day of Independence, but the limey concoctions you shovel down your throat will surely come back to haunt you. Because of the liquor-heavy connotations of Cinco de Drinko, by the sixth your stomach will feel like it’s eating itself from the inside. There’s no shame in early morning vomit, though it’s fluorescent color will only remind you of the previous day’s abuse.
Leave it to Mexico to make the entire United States population vomit in hungover disgust year after year. On the bright side, at least we don’t live there.
Another year, another night full of explosions, Edward Champagne-hands, and a sloppy drunken makeout to top it all off. New Years Eve is always a reason to celebrate, and as old calendars are thrown out by the dozens, we throw out our sense of moderation and safety for a night of intoxicated insanity.
While you will surely spend the first few hours of the New Year in a state of alcohol-induced joy, the morning hours that follow are always a struggle. Whatever your NYE poison of choice may be, the aftermath will make leaving your bed the next day as easy as running a marathon.
Luckily, unlike the previous holidays, work and school are typically cancelled on New Years Day. Consequently, you can go as hard as your shriveled alcoholic heart desires with almost no repercussions. Just don’t break any bones, because that’s going to take a little more than a day to heal.
The Day After the First Football Game
For many of us, the dawn of another college football season is considered one of the year’s most important holidays. The ferocious rate of alcohol consumption is a clear indication of how treasured this day truly is. No longer will SportsCenter be crammed with mediocre carbon-copy sliding baseball catches, for God’s sport has finally come back to full swing.
The first football game is by far the most rambunctious, and the hangover that follows is guaranteed to be one that shakes you to your very core. After a day filled with drinking, screaming, cheering, and the occasional petty drunken theft, you’ll be scrambling for glass upon glass of water like an Ethiopian tribesman the next morning.
The common misconception is that football games are scheduled a week apart to prevent injury and allow players time to rest. The truth, however, makes way more sense. If there were two football games a week, our livers would implode in a supernova-esque fashion. The week off isn’t for the players, it’s for the fans. The natural conclusion? Drink a week’s worth of alcohol every gameday. Sunday morning might feel like you’ve been skullfucked by Sandusky, but fuck it, that’s what Sundays are for.