The Four Types Of Drinks You Need To Beat Exams, According To Science

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beerz

Shit, it’s exam week and literally all of your brothers with Adderall scripts are sold out. On top of that, you spent all your book money on alcohol at the beginning of the year. You also only went to maybe two classes a week–and that was on a good week. Basically, the situation is that you are up shit creek without a paddle. However, who needs a paddle when you have booze? Yes, it goes against all common sense, but you aren’t common. You’re the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air while everyone else is Bobby fucking Hill, kicking exam week in the nads by studying while yelling “That’s my purse! I don’t know you!” You party hard, get the girls, and everything always works out your way. You are a fraternity man who has found himself in a perilous situation, and you are going to get out of it by staying true to your character and drinking. But don’t go grab a fifth of the shittiest vodka you can find–you need a guide, and buddy, I’m a fucking sherpa. Let’s get cracking.

1. The Study/Pre-Exam Beers

Because you don’t have prescription amphetamines, we need to get creative. Right off the bat, you are going to need a giant case of shitty beer (think Busch or Natty) and a sixer of different high-gravity craft beers of various styles for each class you need to study for. Assign a craft beer to each class you need to study for and then crush four or five shitty beers while listening to “Danger Zone.” It has to be “Danger Zone,” because we are trying to scam your brain into remembering shit that you truly don’t have the attention span to learn in this short of a time span. After drinking the shitty beers, pull up the study guide you made a pledge prepare for you and pop the cap off of the craft beer you assigned to this particular subject.

The next thing I’m going to ask you to do may seem weird, but bear with me, it’s science. Take a good, long sniff of your beer. Really smell the shit out of that bad boy. Note the hoppy bouquet with a hint of whatever the fuck some beer snob would say is in there. Now start studying and take two sips for every page of material you study. Make sure you don’t drink all of your craft beers–stop at four.

What’s going on is science. Normal you is too focused on chasing tail and fratting out with the bros to remember why the fuck Cézanne was an important Impressionist, but we can skirt your conscious obsession of slamming slams by using the other senses to help you remember stuff subconsciously. The shitty beers distract your frontal lobe, “Danger Zone” throws an endorphin party that wakes up your brain, and you subconsciously associate the smell and taste of this particular craft beer with whatever you are studying.

Now all you have to do is listen to “Danger Zone” and drink the remaining two craft beers before your actual exam. Boom–you’ll ace that bitch with knowledge you literally didn’t know you had.

2. The Pre-Exam Confidence Shot

So you’re studied up and you are about to walk into your exam. Those two crafts have given you a mellow buzz, putting you in a good place. Trouble is, you need to be in a great place. This is where the pre-exam confidence shot comes in. Fill up a flask with your liquor of choice and take a good, long pull right before you walk into the classroom. Walk into that exam with a belly full of fire and an attitude that says, “don’t fuck with me or I will bitch slap your grandmother.”

Once again, the reason behind this decision is science. Think of every time you’ve second guessed an action you made when you were feeling lit. It doesn’t happen, because while hindsight may say you probably shouldn’t have thrown a brick through your professor’s window, drunk you is Cool Hand Luke and your teacher is a bastard for having the gall to make you wake up for an exam at 9:30 in the morning. When you run into a multiple choice question that is going to trip up all of the other sober losers around you, you will mark “B” and move on, because any idiot could see “B” is the right answer.

3. Drink Good Whiskey Before You Write

Now that you’ve shat all over your actual in-class exams, you have to write all of your final papers. What you need to do is procure a bottle of good whiskey–Jack or better–and pour some over ice in your nicest lowball glass. Don’t be afraid to put on a suit and light up a nice cigar, because there is no reason to not wear nice clothes and smoke cigars when you do anything. A quote commonly attributed to Ernest Hemingway is “write drunk, edit sober.” This will do you well, because science is a high-functioning alcoholic.

There is something called the Ballmer Peak, which is the point at which your brain is at the perfect level between drunk and sober to more effectively solve problems creatively. The magic number is right around .08, which, if you pour yourself a three-finger drink and sip occasionally, you can sit at for quite a while. You will be able to grind through your papers faster, and they will be of a higher quality.

4. The Reset Button

Go get a fifth of Everclear and rip shots. Do it, pussy.

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