With our fair country’s 236th birthday fast approaching, celebratory plans are forming and evolving by the minute. While I’m sure the readers of TFM will have no problem upholding the true intoxicated nature of our blessed United States, I’ve assembled this checklist to give you a few extra ways to exemplify your patriotism. Complete the list and you’ll be living the holiday like a Total Frat King.
☐ Wake up to “God Bless the USA” alarm, immediately shotgun Budweiser Ameri-Can.
☐ Drink beer in the shower, because it’s your right as an American.
☐ Proudly put on your Rowdy Gentleman “Back to Back World War Champs” tank.
☐ Assemble playlist of 100 songs that all mention America.
☐ Notice TheDapperDipper wrote a new TFM column. Ignore it, because he is a communist.
☐ Fill up with ultra-premium gas, just because you can.
☐ Drive to a local Wal-Mart, admire the racks upon racks of live firearms for sale.
☐ Fill shopping cart with various red meats.
☐ Purchase body weight in exclusively American beer.
☐ Apprehend a large quantity of illegal fireworks from Mexican in parking lot.
☐ Attend party at pool/lake/beach/anywhere with excessive sunshine. Convince everyone to recite the “Pledge of Allegiance” before the festivities begin.
☐ Sit. Drink beers.
☐ Motorboat a girl wearing an American Flag bikini.
☐ Play with a dog. Dogs are American as shit.
☐ Participate in an unhealthy number of funnel races.
☐ Win an unhealthy number of funnel races.
☐ Let everyone know loudly that you won an unhealthy number of funnel races.
☐ Sing chorus of every song on your pre-made America playlist.
☐ Cook slabs of meat. Admire smell. Burn hand slightly on grill.
☐ Wrap wounded hand in duct tape and paper towels.
☐ Shut yourself off from the world as you enjoy the perfectly undercooked greasy hunk of American prosperity.
☐ Participate in an impromptu hot-dog eating contest. The only thing more American than eating a massive amount is eating it as quickly as possible.
☐ Vomit. It’s going to happen at least once (if you’re doing it right), might as well make it early in the day.
☐ Lose your shoe. Be too drunk to care about losing your shoe.
☐ Practice leisure dives.
☐ Launch firework at friend’s head.
☐ Extinguish fire on friend’s head.
☐ Attend local bar that has the most USA flags on display.
☐ Play “Proud to be an American” on the bar jukebox on repeat.
☐ Yell “THIS IS AMERICA!” at a foreigner.
☐ Drink cheap American whiskey until you can’t feel your ankles.
☐ Do something dangerous just because a friend dared you to.
☐ Convince a homeless person to hate Obama as much as you do.
☐ Hit on hot girl in a patriotic outfit. Convince her it’s her duty as an American to sleep with you.
☐ Win a religious debate with a bible-beating preacher.
☐ Stumble to your nearest American fast-food establishment.
☐ Start a random, but enthusiastic “U-S-A!” chant in the McDonald’s lobby.
☐ Aggressively penetrate hot patriotic girl in sync with The National Anthem.
☐ Climax simultaneously with the “bombs bursting in air” line.
☐ Fall asleep immediately. Have vivid sexual dream about the Statue of Liberty.
☐ Next-morning sex. Admire your astoundingly successful Fourth of July.