The Frat Romance Novel, Part IV: A Formal Desire
It was a clear, bright midday as Emma approached the fratcastle holding a freshly baked cake in her hands. Her generously exposed bosoms were blush. They glistened with dripping sweat like two melons misted by the morning’s dew. Her nerves had started to take a hold of her. She had baked the cake for a strapping young man, a titan of Greek Town, named Darren. The formal ball of Darren’s fraternity was nearing, and Emma oh so desperately hoped to be chosen as his escort. Although they had lain together on more than one occasion, Emma was unsure whether or not Darren even remembered her name. Her suspicions were fueled by the fact that whenever their paths crossed in the daylight, Darren simply greeted her with a wink and point. Emma adorned the cake with her name to remind Darren. Just above her name was the word “formal,” followed by a question mark. Emma had also drawn a winking smiley face on the cake. The winking smiley face was both a subtle and overt innuendo towards their passionate rendezvouses. Aside from the winking face simply suggesting that they had drunkenly copulated, it also was meant to remind Darren of the very specific expression she made when climaxing. Whenever Emma climaxed, which in the arms of Darren was often, her left eye shut tight while a blissful smile shot across her face.
Perhaps that is why the good sir winks at me in the daylight! Emma thought, excited by the prospect that she and Darren may have had an inside joke this entire time. She was let in the front door by a lowly pledge dressed in a tuxedo worn over a monkey suit. He was known simply as Monkey Butler Pledge. Emma, inspired by her newfound positivity, raced upstairs towards Darren’s room. She approached the door and knocked. A strange boy answered.
“Uh… what’s up? Is that cake for me?” He asked.
“No, I have baked this for Darren. Is he in his room?” Emma replied.
“I don’t know. This isn’t Darren’s room.”
“But…” Emma was confused, “It was here that we…”
“Fucked!?!” The boy interrupted, “Motherfucker. Did Darren fuck someone in my room again? Goddamnit! Which bed did he bang you in? Was it that one?”
The boy pointed angrily towards the bed that Darren had lain with her in. Emma dared not confirm the angry boy’s suspicions. She backed away quickly, nervous that the boy could somehow read her guilty thoughts. She tried to suppress the memory of an extremely intoxicated Darren misfiring his seed onto the pillow of the bed.
“I know someone fucking skeeted on my pillow! If it was Darren I’m gonna beat his ass!”
Emma turned down the hall and ran. As she rounded the corner she nearly collided with a tall, gorgeous blonde girl. Emma recognized her instantly. Her name was Veronica. She was widely known as one of the most desirable sorority girls on campus. Emma had no doubt that Veronica was there to court Darren as well.
“Watch your path you middle tier peasant!” Veronica growled.
“’Twas an accident,” Emma muttered.
Emma tried to conceal the words on the cake she was carrying but Veronica spied them anyway.
“Courting Darren are we?” Veronica laughed, “You really think you have a chance?”
Emma was overcome with shame and did not answer.
“You are not worthy of Darren’s affection,” Veronica continued. “He is a leader of men. He has the heart of a lion and a stallion-esque member. What are you but a middle tier beggar? There isn’t a gentleman on this campus who wouldn’t empty his bladder into me. A lady of your sisterhood stands no chance.”
Emma could listen to the insults no more. She would not stand to have her sisterhood insulted by such a vicious harlot.
“Though your words are pointed, harsh, and many, they do not penetrate me nearly as forcefully, nor as often, as Darren has,” Emma quipped.
Upon hearing that Emma had already lain with Darren, Veronica became enraged. She threw a fit and cursed Emma. She swore that if Emma were ever to be intimate with Darren again, her social life would be wrecked. Emma retorted that it would not be the first time something of hers was wrecked by Darren’s carnal affections. Veronica stormed off, annoyed with her newfound rival.
Emma, meanwhile, entered the room Veronica had just left to find Darren and his roommate watching television. When Darren noticed his newest visitor a look of awkwardness came across his face.
“Hello Darren,” Emma said politely.
“Heyyyyyy… it’s my favorite, uh, baker…?” replied Darren.
Emma stood in silence, not knowing how to proceed. Darren had not given his usual wink and point. She thought perhaps that she should be upset at his not remembering her, but the simple sight of Darren had overwhelmed her. She gazed from his deep green eyes to his chiseled jaw. She wasn’t even below his neck before she already began yearning to have him below her waist. While Emma stood nervously in silence, her palms as moist as her delicates, Darren elbowed his roommate, who got up from the couch to introduce himself.
“Hey, I’m Mike.”
“I am Emma, it is a pleasure to meet you.”
“Emma! What’s up!” Darren exclaimed.
Emma was overcome with excitement at the sound her name leaving Darren’s lips. It was, in fact, the first time she had ever heard him say her name. She had thought she heard him say it once before, but it turned out he was just loosely pronouncing the words “Hey” and “man,” in reference to someone standing behind Emma. She quickly handed him the cake.
“I made this for you,” she blurted out.
“Oh cool, you can just put it with the others.”
Darren motioned to the table in the corner. On it ten or so cakes were haphazardly arranged. Emma’s disposition soured slightly at the sight of them. Not only was the beautiful Veronica courting Darren, but a number of other ladies as well. She wondered if she truly stood a chance. She knew that it should have been no surprise to her that competition for Darren would be stiff, seeing that the prize was as well. Emma placed the cake on the table, gave Darren a hug and a casual over the pants hand graze of his penis, and went on her way. After she left Darren and his roommate discussed his potential dates.
“I am going to fuck THE SHIT out of that Veronica chick,” Darren declared.
“Yeah, about that dude. I was gonna say something before that Emma chick came in,” Mike said.
“That Veronica chick, is, uh… impure.”
Darren laughed and gave Mike a reassuring pat on the shoulder.
“They’re all impure bud.”
“Yeah, well, she’s extra impure. Let me put it this way. If you were to fuck Veronica and then get a hand job from a blind chick, that blind chick would think you had gibberish brailled on your cock,” Mike explained.
“Oof. She’d give me the ole bumpy dick?”
“That’s the word on the street… that she probably works.”
“Well, shit. Who else is left? What’s her face with the crazy geed boyfriend sent a cake, no thanks. The French chick sent some croissants, which is just insulting. The rest of these girls I already can’t remember. Fuck it, I’ll take winky O-face.”
When Emma received the news, she was elated to the point that she was forced to hide in her room until her left eye reopened and the smile on her face subsided. Veronica, meanwhile, was as furious as Emma was ecstatic. She vowed to go the formal and exact revenge on Emma. But Veronica found it most difficult to secure a date to the formal as, unbeknownst to her, the rumor of her “affliction” had spread throughout the fraternity. Eventually however Veronica found herself an escort to the ball, one of the few people in the fraternity unaware that she carried with her the unerasable mark of the over seasoned lover. He was known as Monkey Butler Pledge.
The next few days saw Emma tirelessly preparing herself for the formal. During the day she bronzed her skin on the deck of her sorority. Every evening after a dinner of half an apple and water, she retreated to her room to spend several hours doing kegel exercises. Veronica, who was already one less Valtrex prescription away from being pure perfection, spent the week planning out her revenge against Emma. Darren spent the week making sweet, empty love to a parade of women who weren’t Emma, and Monkey Butler Pledge used every waking second he had alone to masturbate to the thought of taking Veronica to formal.
When the much anticipated day arrived, Emma excitedly handed her bags to pledges to load onto the bus parked outside Darren’s fraternity. She met Darren inside the fraternity where the two began to drink heavily. Veronica slid her way into their drinking group while her date, still in full monkey costume, loaded baggage with the rest of his pledge class. After the bus was loaded everyone boarded and began their journey to formal.
The ride was filled with its usual debauchery. Bags of wine were passed around and swilled by all as the bus’ occupants became ever more intoxicated. Emma sat with Darren and admired his stunning physique as closely as she ever could in the daylight. After a particularly long swig of a purplish-red color of Franzia, Emma could contain herself no longer.
“Sir,” she whispered to Darren, “I can contain myself no longer.”
“I have no fucking clue what that means, are you gonna puke? Don’t do it on me,” Darren replied.
“I wish you to have me.”
“Bus sex, nice. Let’s go.”
As Darren and Emma made their way to the restroom at the end of the bus, Veronica took note and leapt into desperate action. She ripped the mask from Monkey Butler Pledge’s face and began furiously kissing him. Just like Veronica wished, Darren saw their tongues entangled, but his reaction was not what Veronica had hoped.
“Monkey Butler Pledge! GET IT!” Darren shouted as the bus erupted in agreement.
Emma simply smiled as she led Darren to the bus’ restroom. Once inside she was quite pleased that the restroom was not as soiled as she thought it would be. Although the toilet seat was clearly every bit as wet as she, Emma had no intention of sitting down, instead she propped herself against the sink. Darren removed his belt and undid his khakis, unleashing his “stallion-esque” (as Veronica had put it) manhood. With each passing thrust, Emma’s pleasure grew exponentially. Although her surroundings reeked of urine and Franzia vomit, and someone who “really needed to crap” kept banging on the door, her body was in a state of pure bliss.
This bliss was suddenly interrupted when the bus made a sharp turn. Inside the bathroom the love making session was not immediately interrupted. Outside however the sharp turn had caused one of the blackout drunk actives to fall across the laps of Veronica and Monkey Butler Pledge. It was then that the active realized Monkey Butler Pledge was receiving what he dubbed an “over the monkey suit hand job.” It was by all measures the most legendary “over the…” hand job ever received. The cabin of the bus erupted in cheers.
Excited to witness hand job history Darren pulled out and left the bathroom to join in the commotion. Emma sulked against the sink until the guy who had to crap kicked her out as well. Once she returned to the cabin, Emma saw Veronica in Darren’s arms. She approached apprehensively, fearing the worst news. She resolved to keep Darren for herself so she approached the two.
“Stay away from my date, masturbater of monkey pledges,” declared Emma.
“You. I hope he had his way with you on the toilet, like the common trash you are,” Veronica sneered.
“If you must know, he made love to me on the sink, like a lady.”
“I don’t know if ‘lady’ is what I’d say but uh yeah, we didn’t fuck on the toilet,” Darren interjected.
“Darren, forget her and take me,” Veronica pleaded. “You know you’ll never forget a night with me.”
“Yeah that’s what I’m afraid of,” Darren replied.
Veronica looked confused; the brothers around Darren barely concealed their laughter.
“What does this mean, Darren?” Veronica asked.
“I know you got the herp; Mike told me.”
“Aw Mike what the fuck!” Another brother stood up and shouted.
The entire bus was now focused on the scene in front of them, for no one could look away from a conversation about who did or did not have herpes.
“I was just warning Darren,” Mike responded.
“I do NOT have any sort of disease! It was a rumor she no doubt spread!” Veronica screamed, pointing at Emma.
“I only wish I had,” Emma replied, smiling.
With that, Veronica was sent over the edge. She charged Emma, nails out, nostrils flaring. She speared Emma to the ground, the brothers roared in approval. Darren, like the rest of his cohorts, was too busy filming the fight on his cell phone to stop it.
“So Veronica doesn’t have herpes?” Mike asked the angry brother.
“No, I thought she gave it to me but it turned out to be some rash from a new laundry detergent. I’ve got sensitive skin,” he turned to his date, “NOT herpes. Doctor rubbed a Q-tip all over my D to figure that one out.”
Meanwhile none of them even realized the bus had pulled up to the hotel as Emma and Veronica’s ever increasingly sexy struggle continued. Finally the bus driver saw the fight and realized why no one was exiting the vehicle.
“Aw HELL no! I didn’t quit drivin’ school buses to keep dealin’ with crazy bitches fightin’ over some asshole. GET THE FUCK OFF MY BUS!”
Emma flipped Veronica over and ripped her off the ground. She threw her down the aisle and out the door of the bus. The melee moved from the hotel drive into the lobby. The two drunk, territorial girls clawed at each other until their tops were completely off. A flustered hotel manager rushed over to Darren.
“You need to get this under control immediately,” the manager ordered.
“What? Why, this is awesome. Don’t you wanna see a girl fight?”
“There are about three prostitute fights in here a week, so they’ve sort of lost their appeal. Now I suggest you pull them apart before one of them brandishes a blade.”
“They don’t have knives…”
Just then Veronica pulled out a dagger and slashed Emma, barely missing her. Now that Veronica was off balance from the failed stab attempt, Emma took advantage and shoved her into the fountain, attempting to drown her.
“Okay this is getting less sexy,” Darren admitted.
Darren ran over to Emma and pulled her off Veronica while Monkey Butler Pledge disarmed his date. Veronica screamed and thrashed in vain at Emma. Darren took his date aside to make sure she was okay.
“You got pretty angry there for a minute, huh?” Darren asked.
“You could tell?” Emma said, ashamed.
“Well your right eye was closed and you were frowning, I sort of assumed.”
Emma embraced Darren. All she wanted was to be in his arms. She didn’t want to think of Veronica, or herpes, or monkey pledges, or even the beautiful pee covered bathroom that they made love in. She wanted only Darren.
“I’m surprised you held your own,” Darren said. “Veronica is fucking crazy.”
“I had a feeling we would come to blows so I did a few bumps after you left me in the bathroom.”
Darren put Emma at an arm’s length and stared into her eyes, giving her the most serious look he had ever given anyone.
“You’ve got blow?” He asked.
“Yes, I was going to tell…”
“I love you.”
With that Emma and Darren escaped to their room as quickly as they could. They skipped dinner and spent the next few hours drinking, fucking, and railing line after line. And although Darren clarified at least twenty three times that he didn’t actually love her, it was still the most romantic day of Emma’s life.
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