The Fraternity Summer Recruitment Guide To Go From Low-Tier Trash To Top-Tier Greek Gods

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Nice Move

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So you’ve been appointed your fraternity’s recruitment chair because you’re a good enough looking but non-intimidating former high school athlete with a smidgen of charisma, an enthusiasm for your chapter that has not yet been jaded by upperclassmen dickheads, and a knack for thriving in a career-day-expo-like environment. Congratulations and welcome to the hustle. You’ve told yourself this is it. This is the year. You’re the guy who’s finally going to turn this sinking ship around with the largest, blue-chip filled pledge class in chapter history.

Five, ten, twenty years from now — when your fraternity is a well-oiled machine running shit on campus — they’ll look back fondly and credit you as the catalyst. The foreman who laid down the foundation for decades of domination. When your wife confronts you about never accomplishing anything with your life as you’re stuck in that dead end, middle management corporate job in your mid-40s, you can shove the long dick of success your fraternity would then be having down her unsupportive and constantly nagging throat.

“But how, Dan? How do I reach this peak achievement that I’ll be referencing for the remainder of my God-given days?” you’re undoubtedly asking to yourself. Simple, guys. Just follow these foolproof steps and you’ll be top dogs at your school and a bonafide chapter legend in no time.

Talk tiers

“Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it.” – Adolf Hitler

No one is more secure or confident in his organization quite like the guy who talks fraternity tiers. If you declare something loud and long enough, it ultimately becomes reality. Ever hear of a little thing called a self-fulfilling prophecy? Just keep dropping how you’re “lower top-tier,” or if you’re being modest, “upper-middle” but “on the rise” and all doubt is immediately erased. These incoming freshmen don’t know any better.

Hit up Greek Rank with five star ratings from two hundred different aliases like “Chi-O hottie” or “Alpha Delta Cream Pi Me You Studs” and leave a comment about how jacked and cool the brothers are and how every girl on sorority row wants to be split like a coconut by their pipes.

Lie about getting a dope new house.

Sure, your real house might be a glorified crack den off-campus, but keep promising potentials that a new mansion is being built on university grounds. Devise fake blue prints and put together a 3D model to really sell them on it.

“Yes, our current house rarely has working indoor plumbing, but the new frat castle has an indoor basketball court, three pools where Diplo DJs every Saturday night, and a nine-hole par 3 course in the backyard. Take a look for yourself.”

By the time they realize they’ve been duped, they’ll already be initiated and have much bigger issues to worry about — like why the toilets keep overflowing with sewage.

Become the rushees’ drug dealer.

Nurture dependence.

Only allow “face guy” brothers at events and say you’re just really selective and new to campus.

Round up every goober in your chapter and tell them the house is closed for the summer. Block their numbers and post fake plans on the chapter’s Facebook group on a daily basis. If they do somehow stumble into a rush event, continually send them on trivial errands. They brought back store-bought lemonade for spiked Arnold Palmers (John Dalys)? Send them to a lemon farm to handpick and freshly squeeze 20 gallons of their own product. You’re having a Christmas in July party? Delegate these kids to find enough packaging peanuts to cover the entire backyard with “snow.” Need some late night grub? Have them go from McDonald’s to McDonald’s attempting to order McRibs and shamrock shakes in bulk.

If they ever make eye contact with a potential, act as if they’re a Postmates or Favor driver. When freshmen ask why you only seemingly have about 20 or so guys, tell them you’re new on campus, despite being chartered in the early 1900s, and that you’re an extremely exclusive group that only takes the most elite candidates the school has to offer.

Pimp out your girlfriends.

As a lower tier fraternity, the only good looking women around your house are going to be an occasional brother’s girlfriend or two. Milk them for all they’re worth. Put them in as little clothing as possible and make sure they’re the first people rushees see at the sign-in table. First impressions are everything and human beings decide within the first 30 seconds whether or not they’re interested. Trust me, I’ve read like five chapters of a Malcolm Gladwell book. So if they stroll up and see Jessica and Nicole with some double D knockers out and about for the boys, you’re going to get their attention. Maybe have them tug off the kids you really want later on in the night to keep that curiosity.

Plant evidence on other fraternities and leave anonymous tips to school authorities.

“I heard Phi Delt has a meth lab in their basement. Might be something you want to check out.”

Be the utopia for underage drinking.

Be the recently divorced, mid-life crisis dad with a goatee and hoop earring that lets all the underage kids party at his house. These saps are fresh out of high school. No matter how much they “raged” behind the woods of a baseball field or in the parking lot of a Home Depot, they’ll be blown away by the drinking safe haven your house provides.

Make a sweet, super offensive rush tank.

Who doesn’t love a free sexual pun-laden t-shirt? Pulling hoes since 1848 with a John Deere logo? Where do I sign up for one of those? Oh, this dotted line? What are first semester dues? And I can only take the t-shirt if I pen my John Hancock here? That shirt is pretty dope. Sure.

Don’t let potentials leave.

If they never leave, they can’t rush another house. You’re not holding them against their will; you’re just being persistent in locking down a bid. Holding them hostage? Uh, is a time share presentation considered a hostage situation? Because it’s essentially the same thing.

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