Let me preface by saying there are only four truly good emojis: eggplant, peach, splashing water, and smiling poop man. With that being said, the NFL just released a list of hashtags for all 32 NFL teams that feature built-in emojis. When it comes to expressing your fanhood, some of these tags are good, others are bad, and the rest are downright ugly. For reference, here’s the list.
Bengals, Dolphins, Raiders, Packers, Panthers, Eagles, Browns, Steelers
Titans: #TitanUp. This year’s clear winner. It’s hella provocative.
Broncos, Chiefs, Patriots, Jaguars, Chargers, Cowboys: #(Insert Team Name Here). Just a glaring lack of originality for a whole season. Cowboys fans will say including their city makes them better but, as usual, they are wrong.
Cardinals: #BeRedSeeRed. Just because it rhymes doesn’t mean it’s catchy.
Ravens: #RavensFlock. Could have easily taken an Edgar Allan Poe route with this one. “#Nevermore” is a pretty good summary of the Ravens Superbowl chances in the post-Lewis/mid-Flacco era.
Bills: #GoBills. The obvious choice was “#BillsMafia” but that would offend someone’s sensibilities. Unoriginal and a cop out.
49ers: #GoNiners. You’re killing me, NFL. #HeAGoldDigger would have perfectly summed up this Kaepernick mess.
Falcons: #RiseUp. Do you get it? Falcons fly, you guys.
Saints: #Saints50. How any Saints fan passes on calling Drew Brees “Breesus” is beyond me. #TouchdownBreesus would get the people going.
Giants: #GiantsPride. It’s not terrible, but fans would probably prefer some reference to the term Big Blue. They eat that shit up.
Jets: #JetUp. Why not #JeffTuelCantMeltSteelBeams, though?
Lions: #OnePride. Pride and Detroit don’t belong in the same sentence, especially since Megatron is relaxing on a beach with a mojito right now.
Texans: #WeAreTexans. Reminds me of those Farmers Insurance commercials. Bum-ba-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.
Colts: #ForTheShoe. Some guys win them for the Gipper. Others play for the shoe. Only one is associated with Ronald Reagan.
Rams: #MobSquad. I guess moving to Los Angeles automatically makes owners lose copious brain cells/become ingrained in hip-hop culture. You’re not my friends, people of St. Louis, but sorry for your loss.
Vikings: #Skol. Original, but nobody in Minnesota is playing around with that pussy Skoal shit. Go with the classic Johnny Drama “VICTORY.”
Seahawks: #WeAre12. That tag is just pandering to the pedophiles on Twitter, of which there have to be millions. Unless Chris Hansen is monitoring your tweets, you’d better make sure nobody snatches up Russell Wilson’s boyish face after claiming to be a faith healer.
Buccaneers: #SiegeTheDay. How in the Buc did you not go with a stronger pun? Sure, it’s not 2008, but Step Brothers quotes are always in style. Either that or #KnuckIfYouBuc for all the folks who peaked in middle school.
Redskins: #HTTR. The Washington Racial Slurs are letting “YOU LIKE THAT” die far too young. Emoji that shit right damn now.
Bears: #FeedDaBears. I’m going to be physically sick. #BearDown has history, punnage, and a sexy fight song on its side. This won’t be the last time the Bears disappoint me in 2016..
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