The Government Will Pay You To Watch Porn All Day Long

Email this to a friend

Nice Move

The Government Will Pay You To Watch Porn All Day Long

With the lack of legislature dealing with the most pressing issues of our time — cyber security, the growing unrest in the Middle East, and the deferred maintenance of the nation’s roads and bridges — you might think that our government spends way too much time dicking around. You would be right.

According to Breitbart, government jobs are surrounded by so much red tape that a federal employee can spend hours a day pumping his dude piston to vintage Lisa Ann videos and still walk away clean (if he keeps a box of tissues nearby).

“The red tape involved in firing federal employees is so bad that the government hasn’t even been able to fire employees who were caught watching up to six hours a day of porn at work.

A recent report from CBS News finds that government employee unions and civil service rules make it almost impossible to fire employees, and it’s costing the taxpayer big bucks.

In one instance, CBS found an employee who had 7,000 pornographic files on his office computer and was tracked sometimes spending up to six hours a day watching porn at work. But this employee is still being paid as his years-long appeals process continues.”

Dreams do come true, you guys. I didn’t think it was possible to find a job that would allow me to do what I do now — spend hour after hour watching porn until I have red marks under the tip of my pork sword — but it turns out that the government might have a place for me. Hopefully, that place is in a private office, or at least an isolated cubicle (I’m on the shy side).

It is important to note that while six hours may seem excessive, finding the perfect video takes effort. It all depends on the type of hot chick you’ve seen most recently. If you’ve just strolled through the Greek village, then the wholesome, preppy look of a girl like Carter Cruise is your best bet. If your eye caught a glance of a biker chick’s tramp stamp as she pointed out which pack of smokes she wanted to the gas station cashier, then the badass Christy Mack is yours for the next few minutes. Or, if you just picked up some takeout at Golden Dragon, any of the girls over at Mr. Chew’s Asian Beavers (.com) will know just what it takes to heat up your egg roll.

I only hope the feds are using proper lubrication. With more friction going on between their legs than between the two parties, chafing could become a serious problem. I also hope they remember to delete their browser histories, especially if they share an iCloud with their parents.

Press Secretary Josh Earnest stated that he would respond to questions about the recent report “in, like, 10 or 15 minutes,” before retreating to his office and closing the blinds. Faint, fleshy smacking noises were just barely audible over the tune of John Legend’s “All of Me.”

At least we know all those boner pills the Pentagon hands out are being put to good use.

[via Breitbart]

Image via Shutterstock

Comments

You must be logged in to comment. Log in or create an account.

Click to Read Comments (26)