The House Dad’s Summer Report: I’m Losing My Fucking Mind

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Nice Move

Let me just start this by saying fuck each and every one of you for the state you left the fraternity house in. Some of us have to live there and take care of things over the summer, and SOME OF US don’t appreciate when you wrap condoms around every single door handle just before leaving. Hilarious, shitheads, but I’m here to tell you we’re going to have some major work to do before Fall semester starts back up.

First and foremost, we need to address the monumental roach colony that’s forming in our pledge basement. I know you guys voted to leave the roaches alone in chapter, for dramatic pledge education effect, but you have no idea how out of hand it’s gotten. There’s at least a 3-inch layer of solid roach blanketing the entire floor. Fucking with pledges is one thing, but I’m mildly concerned one of them is going to get eaten. I’m not sure whether to use bug spray or a M67 fragmentation grenade.

Secondly, let’s talk about bodily fluids. I’m not really sure how, but it appears that every single couch we own has some form of vomit collected upon their once pristine cushions. I’m sorry, but when did our fraternity start letting freshmen girls pledge? You all need to either learn how to handle your alcohol, or learn how to puke outside like a classy sorority girl trapped in a man’s body. Also on the bodily fluids note, I don’t suggest ever trying the “Dateline Blacklight Over the Sheets” routine at the house…I’ll never look at room 3 the same.

Next, we’ve really got to talk about the theft problem. I get it. In my day we would steal street signs all the time for our rooms. But you guys have taken it too far. There are 123 traffic cones in our study room. Why? I have no fucking idea, but I highly doubt any situation in our house’s future will require the use of 123 traffic cones. I’m pretty sure I saw DG’s anchor in there, along with a wheelchair, three mannequins, eight garden gnomes, and thirteen large stacks of student newspapers. I don’t know if there’s a word for a worse version of kleptomania, but every time you little shit sticks drink you come close to it.

Finally you’ve got the major problem at hand: I’m going absolutely bat shit insane. I’ve cleaned every room in the house twice, shot 2000 free throws daily in the courtyard, and constructed a zipline from the roof. As much as I complain about you demon-spawn kids and your tendency to light things on fire for no reason, I miss the chaos and the company. While you all are relaxing and enjoying the summer sunshine, I’ll be playing the role of Hitler in Roach Holocaust 2k12.

You guys keep me up until 5AM on a regular basis, you make passing grad school ridiculously difficult, and you’ve given me illicit drugs without my knowledge at least three separate times. You guys are a bunch of douches, but the fraternity house just isn’t the same without all of you rambunctious assholes here. See you fuckers in Fall, don’t worry I’ll work extra hard to clean the house so you can completely destroy my efforts the first weekend back.

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    • LXA637

      Sure, I’ll let you know first hand. You got a number I can contact you or email or something? I mean, I just want to make sure you are aware of my well being and what I’m doing with my 4 years of college. I doubt you go to Bama, and Sigma Nu? Sigma Who? You have no right to actually talk. Sigma Nu at Bama, if you are speaking the truth, is lower middle tier at best. lol, you are such a bad ass.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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    • LXA637

      Also, for such an “accredited school”, and me going to a “barely accredited school”, you sure but up such weak arguments. I hope for your sake that you aren’t heading into law school after you get your Communications degree. I wouldn’t want you to be my lawyer, that’s for damn sure.

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    • Whiskey and Butt Pee

      ^Can you hear this? It’s the world’s smallest violin playing a tune for that sad, sad tale. Transfer to a school that’s worth two drops of Howdy Doody’s piss and then come talk to me, champo.

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    • LXA637

      Yes I was trolling and it was funny. Yes I’ve been around forever, but I only recently, like 6 months ago, created an account to comment on. And I lied about never commenting. I do, just not on columns, usually on the discussion boards, and maybe a TFM every now and again.

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    • LXA637

      Man you are getting desperate. Well I got to go, but I’ll leave you with this: If you really think that you have to go to a certain school and be in a certain fraternity just to be “frat”, 1. You’ve been severely misguided. 2. Good luck telling that to a brother from the Middle of Nowhere University in North Dakota, hooking you up with a very high paying job. I do pity people like you because you are ignorant to what happens after college. I’ll tell you what my brother told me, you end up like everyone else. It just so happens fraternity men have extra connections. So when you get that high paying job from that brother of yours in the Middle of Nowhere University in North Dakota, or some other God-forsaken state, think of this, because you will surely be ashamed with that extremely crooked biased opinion you have. Other then that, rage hard, rage often, have a good summer. Also, get that anger issue checked out, it’s bad for your blood pressure.

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    • Charleston FratEN

      I think the entire argument was summed up right here:

      LXA637: “Trust me, I don’t really care when people make fun of my fraternity.”

      It must be a strong brotherhood that you have. So instilled with pride for your letters and what they represent…

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    • LXA637

      Yeah, it’s all the ramming we do around here. Trust me, I don’t really care when people make fun of my fraternity. What fraternity are you in?

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    • Whiskey and Butt Pee

      Oh really, Mr. In-Touch? Then you’d know perfectly well that 7 of your brothers dropped this year, as juniors, because the LXA chapter at Bama is such a reject shitshow, and transfered to Shelton, just to escape the utter shame of bearing those letters on campus. Taylor Freeman, you know him? He’s a great one, threatened a cop, got the shit beat out of him, and got dropped after a year and some change.
      Yeah, you guys are “ranked” so well.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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    • TKEpledge

      ^ He called virginia vagina, he’s so cool. You go to Alabama moron, quit acting like you’re a genius and realize that the Edermacation you’re getting will get you laughed at in the real world.

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    • BossMan DubC

      ^this and ^^this. Other than that, well played #637. The past two hours were an entertaining, intellectual tennis match that made up for the depressing display at the Belmont this previous weekend.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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    • BossMan DubC

      @ BamaForRomney. sorry about that. just trying to break up the sorority fight going on here with a little twisted humor.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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    • MightBePike

      I was really feeling sorry for LXA637 until I finished reading the entire thing. Gonna have ta’ call troll on this one. He’s very convincing but seeing what a rise he got out of at least one person only to continue the fight just makes me wonder. And if he has been around as long as he says then we would have heard of him by now. So congrats LXA637 you won this fight. Maybe being a pike would have been more convincing see how we seem to have the most butt-hurt feigning trolls.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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    • LXA637

      By the way, your house looks like a Church. Are you guys the really religious, bible-beater fraternity down there?

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    • LXA637

      Well, if that’s LXA down there, then I’m very disheartened to hear how terrible Sig Nu is. From that conclusion, that must mean Sigma Nu is bottom-tier trash. I guess that explains why you are venting with anger on a unanimous website.

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    • Whiskey and Butt Pee

      4 years at an accredited (barely) institution, and you drop an LOL on this thread? Your parents should have given you the coat hanger. And as for your tier-judgement regarding a school you obviously know nothing about, let’s just say i’d love to get a hold of a little Virgina bitch like you during rush. And mid-bottom tier? What are you again? Lambda Why at JMWhere? Learn your place and get your fucking business degree already, bud.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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    • BamaForRomney

      ^to the guy way the fuck up there who posted a news link about penguins whackin it, fuck you. I opened that on my work computer, left my desk for a minute, and forgot to close it. So there’s my monitor, with a headline about penguins and their dirty fetishes for everyone to see.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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    • pkp896

      I remember yelling at one of the pledges for doing this same thing this past fall. It’s funny and sad at the same time, like a GDI hitting on a sorority girl.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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    • LXA637

      Obviously LXA. JMU, yeah I know, it’s not fratty, but there is still some southern there. I was going to UVA to be a Sig Chi like my older brother, but I guess that never happened. I got a partial scholarship to JMU so I took that.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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    • LXA637

      I do know my place. You obviously don’t, junior. Sorry I hit your nerve when I told you that you were lower middle. Keep making fun of my school, I don’t care. I don’t take this site seriously, neither should you. You keep making yourself look foolish, and you keep showing interest by replying to me. You can have the last word, but just remember that both LXA and SN are great national fraternities. It’s just that LXA is ranked higher. That applies to at Bama too. Don’t act like I don’t know what’s down there, I keep in touch with some brothers and friends there, and I visit every now and again. But, like I tell many ignorant people, try harder.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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    • Whiskey and Butt Pee

      Oh don’t worry about me, Freddy. I’m not going into the court-appointed sector, so you won’t be seeing much of me. Stay sharp up there in Vaginia, and remember to send me that info. Oh, and while you’re at it, you mind shooting me some numbers? How many fruits were in your pledge class? What about this year? The year before? Just wondering, if you’re not dieing yet, i’m sure you’ll be out the door soon enough.

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    • LXA637

      @Charleston FratEN, why yes, we do have a very strong bond. We don’t waste our time worrying about what other people think of us. EVERY fraternity has it’s fair share of haters. Once you let those people get the better of you, you look like your fellow SigNu brother, Whiskey and Butt Pee. Also, I do vote Republican, not those liberal hippy pieces of shit they call Democrats.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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  1. GOPman

    Plus Lambda Chi passes their letters and bids out like its candy on Halloween…at least that’s how it is at my school and its sad.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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