The House Dad’s Summer Report: I’m Losing My Fucking Mind

Email this to a friend

Nice Move

Let me just start this by saying fuck each and every one of you for the state you left the fraternity house in. Some of us have to live there and take care of things over the summer, and SOME OF US don’t appreciate when you wrap condoms around every single door handle just before leaving. Hilarious, shitheads, but I’m here to tell you we’re going to have some major work to do before Fall semester starts back up.

First and foremost, we need to address the monumental roach colony that’s forming in our pledge basement. I know you guys voted to leave the roaches alone in chapter, for dramatic pledge education effect, but you have no idea how out of hand it’s gotten. There’s at least a 3-inch layer of solid roach blanketing the entire floor. Fucking with pledges is one thing, but I’m mildly concerned one of them is going to get eaten. I’m not sure whether to use bug spray or a M67 fragmentation grenade.

Secondly, let’s talk about bodily fluids. I’m not really sure how, but it appears that every single couch we own has some form of vomit collected upon their once pristine cushions. I’m sorry, but when did our fraternity start letting freshmen girls pledge? You all need to either learn how to handle your alcohol, or learn how to puke outside like a classy sorority girl trapped in a man’s body. Also on the bodily fluids note, I don’t suggest ever trying the “Dateline Blacklight Over the Sheets” routine at the house…I’ll never look at room 3 the same.

Next, we’ve really got to talk about the theft problem. I get it. In my day we would steal street signs all the time for our rooms. But you guys have taken it too far. There are 123 traffic cones in our study room. Why? I have no fucking idea, but I highly doubt any situation in our house’s future will require the use of 123 traffic cones. I’m pretty sure I saw DG’s anchor in there, along with a wheelchair, three mannequins, eight garden gnomes, and thirteen large stacks of student newspapers. I don’t know if there’s a word for a worse version of kleptomania, but every time you little shit sticks drink you come close to it.

Finally you’ve got the major problem at hand: I’m going absolutely bat shit insane. I’ve cleaned every room in the house twice, shot 2000 free throws daily in the courtyard, and constructed a zipline from the roof. As much as I complain about you demon-spawn kids and your tendency to light things on fire for no reason, I miss the chaos and the company. While you all are relaxing and enjoying the summer sunshine, I’ll be playing the role of Hitler in Roach Holocaust 2k12.

You guys keep me up until 5AM on a regular basis, you make passing grad school ridiculously difficult, and you’ve given me illicit drugs without my knowledge at least three separate times. You guys are a bunch of douches, but the fraternity house just isn’t the same without all of you rambunctious assholes here. See you fuckers in Fall, don’t worry I’ll work extra hard to clean the house so you can completely destroy my efforts the first weekend back.

Comments

You must be logged in to comment. Log in or create an account.

  1. 3
    GOPman

    Plus Lambda Chi passes their letters and bids out like its candy on Halloween…at least that’s how it is at my school and its sad.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • 0
      Wayne Fratsky

      Your little sister worked out quite well during the one-on-one interview. Yeah, i think she’ll fit it real well around the house, among other things.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • 0
      TKEActive

      I am Sam

      I am Sam
      Sam I am

      That Sam-I-am
      That Sam-I-am!
      I do not like
      that Sam-I-am

      Do you like
      green eggs and ham

      I do not like them,
      Sam-I-am.
      I do not like
      green eggs and ham.

      Would you like them
      Here or there?

      I would not like them
      here or there.
      I would not like them
      anywhere.
      I do not like
      green eggs and ham.
      I do not like them,
      Sam-I-am

      Would you like them
      in a house?
      Would you like them
      with a mouse?

      I do not like them
      in a house.
      I do not like them
      with a mouse.
      I do not like them
      here or there.
      I do not like them
      anywhere.
      I do not like green eggs and ham.
      I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

      Would you eat them
      in a box?
      Would you eat them
      with a fox?

      Not in a box.
      Not with a fox.
      Not in a house.
      Not with a mouse.
      I would not eat them here or there.
      I would not eat them anywhere.
      I would not eat green eggs and ham.
      I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

      Would you? Could you?
      in a car?
      Eat them! Eat them!
      Here they are.

      I would not ,
      could not,
      in a car

      You may like them.
      You will see.
      You may like them
      in a tree?
      d not in a tree.
      I would not, could not in a tree.
      Not in a car! You let me be.

      I do not like them in a box.
      I do not like them with a fox
      I do not like them in a house
      I do mot like them with a mouse
      I do not like them here or there.
      I do not like them anywhere.
      I do not like green eggs and ham.
      I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

      A train! A train!
      A train! A train!
      Could you, would you
      on a train?

      Not on a train! Not in a tree!
      Not in a car! Sam! Let me be!
      I would not, could not, in a box.
      I could not, would not, with a fox.
      I will not eat them with a mouse
      I will not eat them in a house.
      I will not eat them here or there.
      I will not eat them anywhere.
      I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

      Say!
      In the dark?
      Here in the dark!
      Would you, could you, in the dark?

      I would not, could not,
      in the dark.

      Would you, could you,
      in the rain?

      I would not, could not, in the rain.
      Not in the dark. Not on a train,
      Not in a car, Not in a tree.
      I do not like them, Sam, you see.
      Not in a house. Not in a box.
      Not with a mouse. Not with a fox.
      I will not eat them here or there.
      I do not like them anywhere!

      You do not like
      green eggs and ham?

      I do not
      like them,
      Sam-I-am.

      Could you, would you,
      with a goat?

      I would not,
      could not.
      with a goat!

      Would you, could you,
      on a boat?

      I could not, would not, on a boat.
      I will not, will not, with a goat.
      I will not eat them in the rain.
      I will not eat them on a train.
      Not in the dark! Not in a tree!
      Not in a car! You let me be!
      I do not like them in a box.
      I do not like them with a fox.
      I will not eat them in a house.
      I do not like them with a mouse.
      I do not like them here or there.
      I do not like them ANYWHERE!

      I do not like
      green eggs
      and ham!

      I do not like them,
      Sam-I-am.

      You do not like them.
      SO you say.
      Try them! Try them!
      And you may.
      Try them and you may I say.

      Sam!
      If you will let me be,
      I will try them.
      You will see.

      Say!
      I like green eggs and ham!
      I do!! I like them, Sam-I-am!
      And I would eat them in a boat!
      And I would eat them with a goat…
      And I will eat them in the rain.
      And in the dark. And on a train.
      And in a car. And in a tree.
      They are so good so good you see!

      So I will eat them in a box.
      And I will eat them with a fox.
      And I will eat them in a house.
      And I will eat them with a mouse.
      And I will eat them here and there.
      Say! I will eat them ANYWHERE!

      I do so like
      green eggs and ham!
      Thank you!
      Thank you,
      Sam-I-am

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • -1
      The_Chilis_Guy

      ^^^^Nope, not happening. And house dad, while you’re only having to clean a mansion, I’m having to deal with fucking customers every day with a hangover….

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  2. -1

    This is the best thing I’ve read in a long time. Thank god for you guys and FratFM keeping me entertained at work HAHA

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago

Load More

1 2