The House Dad’s Summer Report: I’m Losing My Fucking Mind

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Nice Move

Let me just start this by saying fuck each and every one of you for the state you left the fraternity house in. Some of us have to live there and take care of things over the summer, and SOME OF US don’t appreciate when you wrap condoms around every single door handle just before leaving. Hilarious, shitheads, but I’m here to tell you we’re going to have some major work to do before Fall semester starts back up.

First and foremost, we need to address the monumental roach colony that’s forming in our pledge basement. I know you guys voted to leave the roaches alone in chapter, for dramatic pledge education effect, but you have no idea how out of hand it’s gotten. There’s at least a 3-inch layer of solid roach blanketing the entire floor. Fucking with pledges is one thing, but I’m mildly concerned one of them is going to get eaten. I’m not sure whether to use bug spray or a M67 fragmentation grenade.

Secondly, let’s talk about bodily fluids. I’m not really sure how, but it appears that every single couch we own has some form of vomit collected upon their once pristine cushions. I’m sorry, but when did our fraternity start letting freshmen girls pledge? You all need to either learn how to handle your alcohol, or learn how to puke outside like a classy sorority girl trapped in a man’s body. Also on the bodily fluids note, I don’t suggest ever trying the “Dateline Blacklight Over the Sheets” routine at the house…I’ll never look at room 3 the same.

Next, we’ve really got to talk about the theft problem. I get it. In my day we would steal street signs all the time for our rooms. But you guys have taken it too far. There are 123 traffic cones in our study room. Why? I have no fucking idea, but I highly doubt any situation in our house’s future will require the use of 123 traffic cones. I’m pretty sure I saw DG’s anchor in there, along with a wheelchair, three mannequins, eight garden gnomes, and thirteen large stacks of student newspapers. I don’t know if there’s a word for a worse version of kleptomania, but every time you little shit sticks drink you come close to it.

Finally you’ve got the major problem at hand: I’m going absolutely bat shit insane. I’ve cleaned every room in the house twice, shot 2000 free throws daily in the courtyard, and constructed a zipline from the roof. As much as I complain about you demon-spawn kids and your tendency to light things on fire for no reason, I miss the chaos and the company. While you all are relaxing and enjoying the summer sunshine, I’ll be playing the role of Hitler in Roach Holocaust 2k12.

You guys keep me up until 5AM on a regular basis, you make passing grad school ridiculously difficult, and you’ve given me illicit drugs without my knowledge at least three separate times. You guys are a bunch of douches, but the fraternity house just isn’t the same without all of you rambunctious assholes here. See you fuckers in Fall, don’t worry I’ll work extra hard to clean the house so you can completely destroy my efforts the first weekend back.

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