The Jobs With The Highest Chance of Office Hook-Upsby Bronan the Barbarian 10 months ago
I’m about to graduate from Maryland this May, so this article piqued my curiosity when I found it. It’s a pretty surprising and ridiculous list, so I’m going to break it down job by job. Some of the things on this list will be really strange. Don’t ask questions though, because I’m not researching why industrial machinery workers are 6 on the list.
10. The Planning and Expediting Clerk
These guys are in charge of making sure the goods make it where they need to go in an internal supply chain, and apparently some of what needs to go where, internally, is P in V. This one wasn’t too surprising, seeing as how this is a job where you’re bound to make a lot of contacts in different offices and departments, i.e. with people who are technically your coworkers, but you won’t have to see everyday. So, for those of you in supply chain management, this might be a good starter option if you’re looking for a professional hook-up.
9. The Database Administrator
This one surprised me. It’s the database admin. In the world of comp sci nerds, this guy sits on a throne atop them all, made out of broken mid-tower cases and the shattered dreams of those below him who really wanted to be video game programmers, but gave up on their goals. I’m not sure how this made it in the Top 10. Maybe the database admin is pulling double duty as the server admin and uses blackmail emails to get people to sleep with them. Maybe the nerds are better at pulling than we thought they were, after all, what woman could resist that POWER. The world may never know.
8. Food Service Managers
This won’t be relevant to any of us, unless you’re that brother who is allergic to the concept of a real job. If you are, this is the job for you. Anyone who spends their post grad days running a bar is probably going to bang out his fair share of waitresses.
7. Automotive Technicians
I don’t know about you all, but the mechanics at my garage are all guys, so I’m not quite sure what to make of this one. They’re all secretly gay? Maybe other garages have employees like Megan Fox in Transformers and my garage just sucks.
6. Industrial Machinery Workers
Pretty sure this list is just fucking with us now. Industrial machinery workers? What the hell? Unless factories really are like they’re portrayed in bad 80s rock videos (*spoiler alert* they’re all bad), and if they really are like bad 80s rock videos, no wonder our industrial infrastructure isn’t what it used to be, what with all the leather and fishnet stalkings. Not conducive to productivity. Not at all.
5. Occupational Health and Safety Specialists
Finally, back to things that seem plausible. Health and Safety Specialist is basically code for “government mandated regulatory job that doesn’t require a ton of work.” Being in charge of safety inspections and procedures is only a big job when something goes wrong, so the other 99% of the time you can be out and about doing the other part of your job, health education. It seems that the average one of these specialists may be taking that to it’s logical extension, and doing some…er…workshops on sexual health.
4. Stock Clerks
I pretty much see this one going:
(*bar near the NYSE*)
Stock Clerk: Shit, I just lost my clients 600,000 each on a bad trade!
Female Stock Clerk: So did I! Fuck this shit.
Stock Clerk: Let’s forget that we just made horrible business decisions by making some horrible life decisions.
Female Stock Clerk: If by that you mean mercilessly bang each other and do coke until our hearts explode then I am so in.
The fuck?! Apparently these guys are laying enough pipe to make it to number 3 on the list. You might think that kind of goal is just a pipe dream, but these guys weld it together and made it to the top. I’ll stop with the bad welding puns now, but seriously, who are they fucking at work? You know what? I don’t want to know. Moving on.
I can see this one, which is an improvement over the last one. Cooks are runner-up on this list, and I think it highlights an untapped market for Food Network late-night programming. Maybe a show where chefs cook, then bone the sous chef after. Food Network is like porn when you’re hungry, so I wonder what it would be like if it was also actual porn? The best thing ever?
First off, artists have co-workers? I thought they generally did their own thing and sold art to museums, galleries or shitty coffee houses with vegan coffee and propaganda from international socialist groups. Anyway, they’re number one on the list, but I think they cheated, because artists can count any artist acquaintance as a co-worker. Meet another artist at the local indie bar? Co-worker. Attend a Jackson Pollock painting re-creation? All co-workers. Baristas at Starbucks because your “real” jobs won’t make you any money? Co-workers.
Personally, I think this is a pretty weird top 10, even if it is backed by statistics. So, propose your own in the comments, because fuck some of the things on this list.
[via The Huffington Post]
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