The Least Offensive Party You Can Possibly Throw

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Nice Move

When your face can't keep up with your partying. TFM.

Last week, I had the pleasure of outlining 5 party themes that I believed wouldn’t offend anyone at all. However, it wasn’t long before holes were poked in my strategy, and it became apparent that in order to avoid pissing people off, I was going to need a full-on battle plan. That’s why I’ve gone ahead and broken down every aspect of the least offensive party ever put on the drawing board.

Theme

What you might be thinking is that the theme needs to be left alone here, allowing the party guests to dress however they choose. However, leaving everything up to choice can be very intimidating, and you don’t want your guests to be fraught with worry before the party. Instead, it would be smart to opt for a tasteful, yet hip, party theme that celebrates the bravery of an incredible role model. I’m talking about a Caitlyn Jenner party. Your party guests, be they him, her, ze, zir, Zach, whatever, will all look equally scary- er, stunning and brave. Just make sure they all take an Uber to the party, lest they run anyone over in their cars on the way there.

Drinks

Alcohol is out of the question here. It dulls one’s inhibitions, making it impossible for people to consider all the ramifications of every word that comes out of their mouths. If they aren’t careful, they could insult one of the more obscure population groups that’s represented at the party. If the midget Icelandic drag queen goes home crying, we’ve taken two steps back as a society. If beer is absolutely necessary, go with the non-alcoholic options of O’Doul’s or Bush NA. Make sure that any receptacle of the beer is properly labeled, as many of your guests cannot stomach the gluten that it contains. The main drink available needs to be water, but make sure that it has been filtered to remove any minerals and free radicals that may spell doom for a particularly sensitive palate.

Music

This is a tough one. If we wanted to honor all the possible backgrounds that could be at this party, the playlist would consist of many thousands of songs. Take away songs that could offend certain groups, and you’re left with just two or three. For this reason, you’ll need to go with strictly instrumental tracks. Any sort of spoken or rhymed word could clash with someone’s ideologies, so that simply can’t be included. Among these instrumental songs, you still need to be very selective when it comes to what you choose. I recommend going with a white noise or sleep playlist. The music will be there, but will not cause much of a fuss at all. Actually, you’ll want to scratch the “white noise,” as that obviously carries negative connotations and notions of racial superiority, both of which are strictly off limits here.

Refreshments

Once again, tread lightly here. Certain foods can trigger bad vibes for certain groups of people, so there’s only one logical option to go with here. You’ll need to grind up some tofu, celery, assorted roughage, lentils, and brown rice into a gray paste that is bland, vegan, and nondescript. Put a decently-sized mound of this stuff in a biodegradable container, and you’re all set to go.

So there you have it, a party that won’t marginalize any groups of people. All this tip-toeing around is good for your calves, but make sure to cover them up to avoid making anyone feel bad about their bodies.

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