There’s a relatively unknown man on Twitter that has captured the hearts of over 75,000 people. His name is Karl Welzein (@DadBoner). “Captain Karl”, as he calls himself, is perhaps one of the most horrible people on the planet, but for some reason, he’s considered by some as the funniest thing the internet has going for it right now. So drop Condescending Wonka, Fake Bill Walton and the twenty fake Will Ferrell accounts you’re following and jump on the Captain Karl bandwagon. This guy is a legend.
Let me start off by saying @DadBoner is not your run-of-the-mill, generic, funny Twitter account that tweets out non-stop one liners like Rob Delaney, Goldman Sachs Elevator Gossip or Men’s Humor. The man behind this account has woven a story so complex and hilarious that you have to follow for weeks before the true fruits of his comedy can fully be appreciated. Karl is good for the occasional one-liner, but the true humor lies in the characters he develops and situations he gets himself into. Following @DadBoner is a comedic investment that slowly grows on you with each tweet and Sunday afternoon story.
First, a little background, Karl is on the absolute extreme end of the TFTC spectrum. Despite being poor, fat, 40ish, socially inept, completely clueless and having terrible tastes in food and fashion, Karl is just like any of us. He loves America, getting blackout drunk, blasting classic rock, and beer. Karl left his wife, Ann and their three children after suffering what I assume to be a mid-life crisis, taking his Chrysler Sebring and moving in with his deadbeat buddy, Dave. What ensues is perhaps the greatest story to be told in modern American history and for all we know, it may never end. Every tweet builds upon the last, it’s actually really impressive. The person behind this account is a certifiable literary genius, no joke.
For example, Karl loves drinking and lives for the weekend. Every Sunday afternoon, he recounts his insane adventures like someone telling a story around Sunday breakfast at the frat. To make it even better, the guy is totally oblivious.
Here’s a sampling on his thoughts about doing MDMA for the first time… while on MDMA:
Had a GREAT Friday. Got a number from a babe named Barb. So dynamite. Feel on top a the world. Real big trunk, this babe is meant for cargo.
Really hurtin’. Crazy Cooter stopped by last night with a bunch of some stuff called “MDMA.” Think it’s a big city thing. Real cosmopolitan.
Called Barb a bunch on MDMA. Made me randy. It’s a carnal, natural, life enhancer. Gives you enough carnal passions to destroy the sun.
Gonna pound a few BL ‘Nums. Gotta get loose and conversational to call Barb again. Love that name. Barb. Barb. Barrrrrb. Real growly.
Better recognize game, you guys.
Or the time he did too many pushups and crippled his arms:
Really hurtin’ today. For the hardbody celebraish, told Dave we should do 5 ‘shups for every Loco D’reet. Even it out, health zone style.
Musta done 40-50 ‘shups? Worth every bold grunt & bite. Turned that Bell into pure jackedness. It’s responsible. Diet is about compromise.
Workin’ out and eatin’ The Bell at the same time really just burns the fat, while the pure protein feeds the pythons. It’s body mechanics.
Can’t really lift my arms today. Really pushed the limits of my physique. Had to drive to work doin the crippled crotch clutch on the wheel.
My ‘ceps keep crampin’ up. Stomach too. It’s just the protein & fat fightin’ for internal domination. Fat’ll be out the backdoor soon.
If you’re BMin’ 50% of your eats, AND workin’ out, the other 50% is goin’ straight to muscle. Jack Lalanne said that, you guys.
Hard to face everyone at work today. Don’t really wanna talk about it.
After takin’ my 5pm BM in the work john yesterday, I couldn’t move my arms very well for cleanup. Might be gettin’ muscle bound.
Heard Ken come in on the phone. Was desperate. Needed help. Had NO choice. Couldn’t stripe my Tabasco unders, they were a gift.
Said, “Ken, guy to guy, can you one time my backside? I’ll trade you a premium sixer. I’m all swoll from gettin’ hardbodied with Dave.”
Ken said, “Jesus Karl!” and ran outta the john. He musta been on an important call ’cause I said PREMIUM. No one turns that down.
Sat there for 20 minutes. Went to stand up and my legs were asleep. Crashed onto the TP dispenser. Ripped it off the wall. Cut my face.
Couldn’t move my arms or legs, so I had to inchworm under the stall. Peener & veggies all out, backdoor was still toast. Just wanted safety.
Vernon came in, saw me on the floor, bloody, carnal exposure, filthy unders. Said, “Hell no, Karl. Hell no.” and walked out. I needed help!
Felt like I laid there for hours. Finally mustered the strength to get up. When I walked out of the john everyone at work was staring at me.
Told everyone, “I was havin’ issues in the john! Anyone who’s gotten the swollen pythons they deserve has had a problem! Ric Flair,…
…Stone Cold, Sly. They ALL can’t get their backdoor without a guy code one timer from a pal. So don’t judge me ’cause I care about my bod!
…It’s part of bein’ in shape! But YOU’D never know that. Wait’ll beach season! You’ll see when I rock the babes from coast to coast!”
Everyone just kinda walked away. Think I burned ’em down. No one’ll even look at me today. Feel bad like I hurt their feelings.
When your bod’s so hard you can’t clean up after a BM, that means the program’s working, you guys. Anyone who doesn’t get that is jealous.
Or the time he found out Bud Light was coming out with a new margarita inspired drink (which was especially exciting for him because Bud Light and margaritas are his two favorite beverages):
My bro Al just called. Said I have to check out the new Bud Light Lime-a-ritas. Hope they’re not sold out. Kinda concerned. Can’t miss out.
Al says they’re beer and a marg in one can. It doesn’t take a math genius to figure out that’s 2 drinks at once. Such a winning combination.
Wonder if they made ’em special for the Cinco? BL Margs might be for a limited time. Gotta take advantage.
There’s no way the Mexicans missed out on the BL Marg news. Probably cruisin’ around fillin’ up their fruit trucks for the celebraish.
Sometimes I wish I was Mexican. Sounds like a great job. You just get a truck, fill it with junk or fruit, and cruise around, peepin babes.
Can’t sit here anymore. All I can picture are Mexicans buyin’ up all the BL Margs. Plus it’s the Uno. Cash flow is heavy in the barrio.
Split outta work early yesterday to stock up on BL Margs. Kroger said they didn’t have ’em. Got pretty steamed.
Told the manager at Kroger, “What do you mean ya don’t have BL Margs? Is your grocery buyer racist? It’s almost the Cinco!” Got in his face.
Manager said, “I’m sorry sir, I’ve never heard of BL Margs, but we can put you on a list?” A list?! That’s just a runaround. I KNOW.
Said, “Listen buddy, alot of proud Mexicans might be down here any second, stabbin’ anything that moves, if you don’t get BL Margs, pronto!”
Violence isn’t the answer, but when you disrespect USA Mexicans after their long struggle, it’s a casual solution. -Julio Cesar Chavez
He “politely asked me to leave.” I said, “OK, but good luck when a guy named Tito has a blade in your face ’cause you don’t have BL Margs.”
And this is where we are introduced to his signature phrase, ending nearly every sentence with “you guys”. This catchphrase (to call it a catchphrase is almost insulting) has completely revolutionized the way people speak on the internet. No, I’m not kidding.
If you do somethin destructive that doesn’t hurt anybody else, don’t see why that’s a problem, you guys. Like smashin a toilet to hell.
When your power moves are on point, you gotta live above the law, you guys.
And now we move on to Karl’s power moves. His view on power moves is that anytime you do something to establish yourself as an alpha male, that’s a power move. Of course it is…but sometimes he gets it convoluted and uses these power moves as more of a self defense system. Now I’m getting really psychological. Believe me, I’m an expert in DadBonerology. And that is the second time in my life I’ve used the term “bonerology” in a sentence.
Really hurtin. Stayed at Paddy’s late fishin for babes with my new Van Halen cd. No bites. Don’t understand. Are babes not into VH anymore?
Was readin the Van Halen cd jacket in the ‘Bring eatin my Filet O Fish. Got tartar sauce all over it. Pretty steamed. Might say somethin.
Goin back to Mickey D’s today. Had to buy a second Van Halen cd to replace the one I got tartar sauce on. Gonna file a complaint.
Really gave Mickey D’s a piece of my mind. Told the manager they ruined my Van Halen cd jacket by over tartaring. It’s a bold flavor foul.
Mickey D’s should be careful. If a coffee spill gave ’em hub bub in the rags, just think what a tartar sauce incident could do in USA Today.
If you manage a Mickey D’s, chances are you don’t know anything about power moves, Van Halen carnal passions, or peener pics, you guys.
A lot of you like to say you give zero fucks. Karl actually gives ZERO fucks. The man simply doesn’t care for anyone besides himself. But what he does care for is the best part of all. Yes, Karl cares about the United States of America more than anything and he’s not shy about it.
Just wish they’d get on with a Springsteen/Seger party ticket so the USA could finally rock as one, forever and ever.
If a presidential candidate really wants to win, don’t promise lower taxes, promise Mickey D’s breffest all day. Landslide, you guys.
Drinkin ain’t about race or carnal preferences. It brings the USA together. All colors and gay people are equal in Cold One City, USA.
For being 235 years old, America is one sweet lookin lady. Happy birthday to all my fellow Americans. Proud to be with ya, you guys.
America is my homeboy, you guys. Goin to lie down next to the toilet.
Really hurtin today, you guys. But if you don’t feel like your brain is being dug out with an ice cream scoop, you didn’t do the 4th of July right.
And finally, we come to Karl’s trademark phrases. The man gets me about as fired up for the weekend as “Rock and Roll Part 2”
Really looking forward to the weekend, you guys.
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now.
Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night.
Happy Friday to ya, you guys.
Give Karl a try. Remember my advice to you. Follow him for a full two weeks. By the end of it, you’ll be thanking me for improving your life ten-fold, you guys.
Follow me on Twitter @ChampsTourTFM (but really, go follow @DadBoner)