We live in a country with many problems. The USA has way too many pressing issues to ever address in one article. But there are some problems that are so deeply upsetting that for the sake of our mental health we refuse to have any constructive conversations about them.
– drone strikes
– the fact that Eric Clapton is a huge racist (look it up).
– the fact that Louis CK has sexual assault allegations (look it up).
– the fact that Nickelback has a few songs that are actually decent (don’t look it up).
But there is one growing problem in modern society is growing more and more gigantic. It’s becoming so severe that we NEED to alleviate it immediately or else it will definitely destroy our modern world and we’ll delve deep into a ‘Mad Max’ style post-apocalyptic wasteland. This is a problem that WILL ruin American if we continue ignoring its existence.
I am of course talking about man-buns.
Man-buns are becoming more and more common by the millisecond. Every day, you see a bunch of dudes with man-buns plaguing a cornucopia of college campuses. Four score and 7 years ago, man-buns were basically non-existent. But throughout the years, they’ve successfully infiltrated our once peaceful utopia.
It’s 2016 and man-buns are all the rage. There’s a small but loud handful of ladies that love dudes that look like psychopathic lumberjacks with big bushy beards, crinkly flannel shirts, skin-tight dark jeans and a big ol’ man bun chilling on the back of their pretentious heads.
Fellas, I know you think you look cool with a man-bun. You think you look like a badass modern hippie that just got back from winning a lacrosse game and you’re gonna celebrate with gravity bongs and hacky sacks. But you don’t look cool, you look like a slobby bucket of dick farts.
When you make the crucial life decision that you will now have a man-bun, please understand how hurtfully hilarious it happens to appear. When you have a man-bun, you look like Jesus’ homeless twin brother that runs an organic coffee shop out of a stinky cardboard box in an alley in a gentrified neighborhood in Brooklyn.
When you have a man-bun, you look like if every douche-biscuit dude from every music festival was morphed into one hideous human by some criminally insane mad scientist that only listens to vinyl. You look like an overly vocal vegan that drinks kale smoothies and shits pretentious Jezebel articles. You look like you smell like a jizzrag dipped into a glass jar of moose urine. You get the point.
We cannot let man-buns continue to attack our cities from the inside out, as it’s detrimental to the entire universe. Mark my words, if we continue to let all these man-buns freely run amok, in 5 years we’ll be living in a new world where talking apes kidnap us and make us do mediocre beat poetry in exchange for rotten bananas.
So please, cut off that man-bun. Get your stoner buddy to buy a chainsaw at Home Depot and chop that fucker off in the most hardcore and intense way possible, just on principle. Once that man-bun is chopped off, flush it down the toilet. After that, travel to the sewer, find that flushed man-bun and force it go on a date with Dr. Bill Cosby in an abandoned Arby’s next to a cave in Afghanistan.
Let’s put a stop to man-buns, before it’s too late. Thank you for reading this and thank you for joining the battle, my fellow Americans..
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