The men pictured below are all legends of the fraternal world, and deserve to be treated as such. In order for you to fully appreciate their gloriousness, I have listed all of their notable accomplishments and/or contributions to Greek life.
It’s time to pay credit where credit is due.
No, Dakota Rice did not always look like this. Do you think he would’ve gotten a bid if he did? Of course not. Dakota lost a bet. And not just any bet — the most far-fetched bet of all-time.
You see, Dakota went on a hot streak fall semester of his junior year. In passing, he made a remark to his pledge brother Todd that he bet he could get a blowjob from five different girls in one night. “Bull-shit!” remarked Todd. “There’s not a chance in the world.” So the two settled on a bet: if Dakota can pull it off, Todd has to draw a face on his ass and have his smiling, hairy tuckus represent him on the composite. If Todd wins, Dakota needs to dress up like a “frat German milkmaid” for his composite photo.
Dakota got off to a hot start that night, bagging two blowchachis during the pregame alone. After an uncharacteristically slow start to the party, Rice got back on track by getting a double-team blumpkin in the girl’s bathroom. He then finished things off with your textbook, run-of-the-mill blowjob on the fraternity’s back porch.
At least, that’s what Todd thought, until Dakota informed him that the final girl only used her mouth 47% of the time, thus qualifying the act as a handjob. Dakota did not need to tell the truth, and thus admit defeat, but he knew it was the right thing to do.
Dakota Rice: an honorable man.
There has never been a more inbred, rube, country bumpkin to attend a state university than Philip “Deliverance” Bandicoot IV. If you need any evidence to support that claim, take into account the fact that Philip is not the fourth because his father is Philip Bandicoot, his father’s father is Philip Bandicoot, and his father’s father’s father was Philip Bandicoot — he’s the fourth because his father is the first, his oldest brother is the second, and his second oldest brother is the third. Philip’s dad pulled a George Foreman.
Philip wasn’t just called Deliverance because of his status as the yokel-iest of the yokels — he also had a very real proclivity for doggy style intercourse. Because of that fact, whenever he brought a girl back to his room in the fraternity house, you’d hear more pig squeals than you would at a screamo concert taking place on a farm.
Plus, the man could pluck the living fuck out of a banjo.
Creating an executive board position for yourself is a surefire way to land yourself among the greats, and Gardiner Turner did just that.
His whole adolescence, Turner had a dilemma: he was blessed with one of the freshest heads of lettuce this side of the Allegheny, but he also loved water. Do you see how that’d be a problem for our boy? When your flow is as vivacious and potent as Gardiner’s, you don’t want to wet it down and make yourself look like an Afghan Hound after a rainstorm. You want maximum bounce and curl at all times. Woe was Gardiner.
The fraternity that Turner ended up joining, however, happened to have a hot tub room. Gardiner’s life was changed forever. He could now get his water fix without the head wetting that usually came along with it. Gardiner fell in a love so deep with the hot tub that he declared himself to be “Hot Tub Liaison,” rendering him in charge of all persons who enter the hallowed waters of “Turner Bay.” And boy did a lot of lucky ladies take a short vacation there. Rumor has it that the amount of splooge that Gardiner discharged into the hot tub over the years could fill the basin all the way up to the top.
Gardiner Turner: living proof that everything will work out in the end.
If you’ve ever needed proof that fraternity’s mold immature young boys into strapping, independent leaders, look no further than Paul F. South. This picture really speaks for itself. Paul came into college a dorky little squirt, complete with dingdong glasses, a cheesedick smile, and a goofball haircut.
Then he joined a fraternity.
In just a few short years, Paul grew up. He grew into not just a man, but a fraternity man. Look at that confident smile, that chiseled jaw, and that frat swoop. Nobody has ever looked more ready to conquer the world after college, and nobody is a better testament to the developmental power of fraternities, than Paul F. South.
Paul F. South: from child to man.
Check out last week’s edition of “The Men Behind The Legendary Fraternity Composite Photos.”
Do you have any celebrity composite photos from your chapter or another chapter on campus? How about just plain hilarious composite photos from normal brothers? Email both to firstname.lastname@example.org