The Morning Bump: Eat Success For Breakfast


Mornings are the worst. You’re tired and you’re hungover, but you have to get your ass out of bed and take on the day. So, you could use a little motivation. Hell, we all could. A little pick-me-up. A little morning bump, if you will. Well here you go, hombre. Soak it in and get to dominating.

Inspiration From Uncle Tony

All you need is Mother Earth, Father Sky, and your dear old Uncle Tony. Every day is an opportunity to better yourself, whether you’re a fat little fuck or a grown ass man with a serious drinking problem. Don’t stop grinding until you’re the lighting fixture king of Western Pennsylvania. Can you smell it? That’s the smell of today shitting it’s pants because it’s terrified of you.

Throwback Boner

Don’t pretend you wouldn’t let her snap it off. Now take a minute to despise the fact that Russell Wilson is actively choosing not to hit that. As Hank Hill would say, “That boy ain’t right.”

Lessons In Badassery From John Wayne

If you’re ever feeling like a bitch, it’s time to watch a John Wayne movie. A few fantastic phrases from The Duke and you’ll be good as new. Now go get into a bar fight or something. Slap some bacon on a biscuit and let’s go.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is the New York Times Bestselling Author of Total Frat Move, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, and co-host of the Back Door Cover podcast, a psychotic Rockets fan, fair-weather Astros fan, and sad Texans fan.

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