The Morning Bump: Get In The Hole

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Nice Move

Mornings are dog shit. You’re tired and hungover, but you have to get out of bed and do stuff, so you could use a little motivation. A little pick-me-up. A little morning bump, if you will. Well here you go, champ. Put this metaphorical straw to your nose and snort.

Do Something Special

Man, I miss that Tiger Woods. What a fuckin’ shot. Since the PGA Championship is this week, it just seemed right to include one of the most memorable golf shots of all-time to get you going this morning. Unfortunately, the Tiger Woods from this video died when his ex-wife took a 9-iron to his head, but that doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate the past. Look at that read — it doesn’t get any better than that. Now go forth and do something special with your day. Draw inspiration from this classic Tiger shot, and make a memory in the pursuit of greatness. And remember: never, ever cheat on your Swedish supermodel wife with a bunch of trashy breastaurant waitresses and bottle service girls (unless that’s the only thing keeping you mentally strong enough to maintain your place as the number one golfer in the world — then just don’t get caught).

Focus On The Fundamentals

Today isn’t the day for excuses, or feeling sorry for yourself, or pouting. Got whiskey dick last night and totally blew your chance to mate with a solid 8? That’s your own damn fault. Today is the day for redemption — for victory. Be the best that you can be. Forget all that petty bullshit that’s holding you back, like a total lack of manners, below average physical fitness, and despicable drinking habits. Forget all that shit, and focus on the fundamentals. You’re a fucking winner. Get out there and win.

Get A Kiss From A Rose

I’m aware that every Batman movie before “Batman Begins” that doesn’t feature Jack Nicholson should be stricken from the records of time. And yeah, this music video is an abortion, but if you’re not down with a little “Kiss from a Rose” to give your day a passionate kickstart, then I don’t know what the fuck to tell you. I can’t even count how many times I turned this song on full-blast at the fraternity house in the wee hours of the morning and belted out the lyrics with a bottle of scotch in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. When it’s closing time, turn this song on full-volume and prepare to disrobe — even if you’re alone. A woman will find you.

Whoop Some Serious Ass

Back when Kimbo was fighting on the streets, you didn’t want none of that shit. I mean, he pretty much made that dude’s eye explode. If that didn’t get your adrenaline going, you might as well get your sad ass back in bed, because nothing will. For everyone else that actually has a pair of functioning testicles, wake up and knock today the fuck out.

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