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The Morning Bump: Win Or Go Home

Mornings are dog shit. You’re tired and you’re hungover, but you have to get out of bed and do stuff. So you could use a little motivation. A little pick-me-up. A little morning bump, if you will. Well here you go, muchacho. Put this metaphorical straw to your nose and snort.

Are You Not Entertained?

That last dude with the boar helmet? That’s today, and you’re Maximus. Now jam two swords into today’s chest, take a second to turn your swag on, then rip both swords out and decapitate that motherfucker. No mercy — that’s how winning is done. Give the people what they want. Make violent love to the mob. Win the crowd, and win your fucking freedom. Today is just a fat man with a silly helmet waiting to get owned, and you’re a gladiator with a donkey dick. As the late Michael Jackson once said, “Don’t stop ’til you get enough.”

Strive For Greatness

If a sleepy-eyed, occasionally lazy and possibly stoned Tracy McGrady can drop 13 points in 35 seconds to miraculously steal a game from one of the most dominant dynasties in the history of sport, what’s your excuse? Get out there and make some fucking magic happen. Do something special. #striveforgreatness

You Say You’re Not A Loser, So Win

Long before Adam Sandler sold out to make hundreds of millions off the stupidest people on Earth, he actually made a few funny movies. That’s how the world works, though. You have to grind, produce quality work, and then later on down the line you can dick around and get rich off stupid poor people with minimal effort. You gotta work real hard, and stick it out, ’til graduation day, kids. You know, some people have no will power, no brains, no vision — they just drift through life like lumps of crap. Don’t be one of those people. Get money, get paid.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is the New York Times Bestselling Author of Total Frat Move, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, and co-host of the Back Door Cover podcast, a psychotic Rockets fan, fair-weather Astros fan, and sad Texans fan.

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