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The Morning Bump: Wreck Shop

Mornings are garbage. You’re tired and hungover, but you have to get out of bed and do stuff, so you could use a little motivation. A little pick-me-up. A little morning bump, if you will. Well here you go, dickhead. Put this metaphorical straw to your nose and snort.

We Are Lions

You know what’s there — waiting, beyond that beach. Immortality. It’s yours! Take it! Alright, Brad Pitt is a bit of a fairy, but that has nothing to do with the fact that he plays one hell of a badass in multiple movies. Troy is essentially garbage minus Pitt, and plus Putt it’s awesome. Orlando Bloom plays a badass elf in Lord of the Rings, but he plays the ultimate pussy in Troy. Don’t be like Orlando Bloom — be like Brad Pitt.

Grunt Like A Fucking Man

I really don’t have much to say about this video. Primal ape noises are what separate us from the women. You either grunt like a fucking psycho, or you don’t. If you don’t, I can’t promise that nobody will judge you. I’ll judge you. Grunt, you pussy. You should make these noises during sex, and when you work out, and when you pick fruit from trees

It’s Time To Dominate

Oh look, it’s Brad Pitt in Troy again. Do you have a boner yet? I do.

Got something you think should be featured in The Morning Bump? Email it to me at Ross@TotalFratMove.com.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is the New York Times Bestselling Author of Total Frat Move, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, and co-host of the Back Door Cover podcast, a psychotic Rockets fan, fair-weather Astros fan, and sad Texans fan.

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